exhauting journey

[Marie-Louise]

Hi,  

My 18 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD after an attempt of suicide 10 days ago.

It has been an exhausting journey. The more I learn about BPD, the more I recognise my daughter. We thought she was a strong will child... .wow, she is much more then that.

What an eye opener it is after all these years. She started the therapy and hates it. Looks like the recovery will be long and exhausting. Looks like I need some support... .

Marie-Louise

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Marie-Louise

Welcome to the site and the Parents Board.  We are happy to have you here and sorry that your daughter is not well.  You have come to the right place to get support.  We can also help you learn skills that can improve the quality of your home life and relationship with your daughter.

You say she had made a suicide attempt.  That is got to be the greatest fear we all have.  How is she now?  Living through a crisis like this can really take a toll on everyone in the family.  Are you ok?  Are there other children in the  home as well?

It is good to know she has a diagnoses and is in therapy for her disorder.  It can cause us concerns about them continuing their treatment  when they don't "like" it.  What type of therapy is she in?  Has she said what she doesn't like about it?

We have lots of skills as I mentioned that you can learn along with educational material about the disorder.  BPD is complex and can manifest in different ways from one individual to the next.  The Tools and Lessons on the right sidebar is a collection of this information. It can help you better understand your daughter and how to help her.

It's a lot... .we are here to help you. 

This site is where I got my education and support when my daughter was diagnosed 6 years ago.  She is 18 now and doing very well.  Your daughter is still young and with your support and therapy she can improve too.

lbj

[Marie-Louise]

Hi lbj,

My daughter is not suicidal anymore, but she had to leave school because the stress was too high. She lost her friends, her drama role that she loved and Prom with her friends. This alone is enough to make anyone very sad. I have a lot of friends supporting me but it is the

lack of experience that is difficult. She has become suicidal at least 3 other times where I was able to use the crisis line and finally calm her down. I starting to notice what triggers her.

My son is 22 years old and works shifts. He is not present most of the time when my daughter has a crisis. One of her escape is to sleep. She tends to do that during the day then at night she cannot sleep. I stay up until she is OK since her suicidal attempts were during the night.

She goes to the day hospital for two hours Monday to Friday for 8 weeks. They are all older and they are introverts. She is a leader in drama camps... she knows a lot of games that would be fun but the group is rejecting her ideas. She needs someone in the group her age. The sessions now are covering how to deal with emotions. She will not get teachings on BPD until 6 months from now... .too long for my taste. She sees a therapist 2 hours per week. The support group for families have a course but it starts in September. That is why I came to this site today... .need help now. I will use your resources for sure.

I started to read the other posting and I see how urgent my girl needs to learn these tools to have joy back in her life. She has applied for work... .She will be available after 8 weeks of therapy. I hope she will be emotionally ready to start working.

It is a relief to finally know what my daughter has but it is very painful and scary at the same time.

Thanks for the support, it is greatly appreciated,

Marie-Louise

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for coming back and answering questions Marie-Louise

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is stabilized now.  Sorry to hear that  milestones and drama club are missed. 

Is she in a DBT group at the hospital and seeing a DBT therapist weekly for private sessions?

When I first came here I was looking for ways to help my daughter.  It became apparent that I had to first learn the skills and model them FOR my daughter before she would have the ability to learn.

lbj

[verooca66]

Marie-Louise, you are so right... .it is exhausting! And just learning about your child having this diagnosis and its ramifications is overwhelming, especially at first. I went through a very similar situation with my daughter last summer, and am just now feeling like I'm learning effective ways to communicate, how to set boundaries, and most importantly, that there is hope. It's so scary to think that you may always have to be your child's caretaker and advocate.

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things... .she is in therapy and although DBT is in the future, it's on the agenda. Take time for yourself, let the professionals deal with her heavier issues at this time, and use this time to learn more about how to support her. I'm on your boat... .we can paddle together! 

[lbjnltx]

Take time for yourself, let the professionals deal with her heavier issues at this time, and use this time to learn more about how to support her. I'm on your boat... .we can paddle together! 

[Marie-Louise]

Thank you for your response... .I greatly appreciate it. My daughter is following day hospital sessions two hours a day from Monday to Friday for eight weeks. Right now they are covering how to deal with emotions... .next they  will be dealing with anxiety. This group is not a BPD group. They are adults with psychological problems. Her BPD sessions will only be in 6 months. I am hoping she will come to this site to get the help that is lacking right now.

I have many concerns. She quite the end of her grade 12 and wants to redo her grade 12 in another school next year. Also she has applied to many places to get a job. I am concern she is not ready after 8 weeks to have a job. The psychiatric said it takes about a year to establish therapy. my daughter sees her psychiatric once a week and a therapist specialising in BPD once a week for personal therapy. I find she escalates very fast at the smallest thing.

You said to let the professionals deal with her. She does not escalate with them... .she escalates with me. My husband and I have to calm her down. It still feels like a nightmare that I waiting to wake up from.

In the mean time, I have delayed returning to my part time job to monitor how she is doing.

I intend to listen to as many lessons on this site as possible. This would be my time for myself part. Thanks for paddling with me. 

Marie-Louise

[livednlearned]

Hi Marie-Louise,

I wanted to join lbjnltx and verooca66 in welcoming you to the site! What lbjnltx said has been true in my situation too -- when I learned the skills and modeled them for my son, it helped set him up for success. It almost felt like I was learning how to parent for the first time, and fortunately, there were many things that had a positive effect, and over time I have seen improvements. Like you say, there are triggers and setbacks. I see now that there is a setback every fall about 2 months into the school year. And any big transition can be stressful.

An expected thing happened too. When I became better at asserting and enforcing boundaries, S13 had very strong emotional reactions, which was hard, but overall things started to get better. Severe depression is tough because those reactions can feel scary.

I'm a single parent, and don't have anyone to celebrate with, but when I see S13 complying with a boundary as though it's no big thing, I want to do a victory dance  I just wanted to share this because sometimes there is great resistance when you first set a boundary, but just hang in there and keep enforcing it. You confirm for your child that you have confidence they can comply with it, and that has an effect on how they regulate their feelings.

One logistical thing I wondered -- is it possible your D can do online courses to help her work toward her degree? Some states have quality online courses and arrangements at the state level to let these stand up as fully credited. Or could she get a 504 or IEP plan to help her minimize her work load so she is not trying to do too much while she is stabilizing?

[Marie-Louise]

Hi livednlelarned,

My daughter wants to go back to school next September and redo her grade 12. I homeschooled her until grade 6. My son who is 4 years older, did his high school on line and she was not interested in doing that. She succeeded in high school with honorable degree. She started gong downhill starting her grade 12. She wants to experience grade 12 in high school even though she will be the oldest in the school. She also will do it in a different high school.  My concern is that the therapy she is doing now is covering emotions and anxiety. Her BPD program starts in 6 months from now which is around September. I am not sure she will be ready for it. She has also applied to jobs to start working after this session is over. ... .not sure she will be ready that also.

She also wants to move out and have an apartment... .yep she has ambition but you know sometimes these high strong BPD bite more than they can chew... .Thanks to the books I have been reading, I have changed the way I speak to her and let her dream until she sees the reality herself. She made the remark a couple of days ago that she notices the total change in the way I communicated with her and she really loves it. The reality is, I finally understand her. I am so grateful that she did not die and I get a second chance to build this relationship with new understanding. I waited a very long time for this time. She has always been a challenge for me. We would argue so much. I just thought she was a strong will child. I respond instead of reacting, I validate instead of arguing and I listen with empathy instead of thinking she is manipulating me... .It has changed everything.

My husband and I are trying to establish some boundaries... .not sure what exactly they are right now. I admire single moms like you.   What courage you have. You are what I call the hero's of this century. The perseverance it takes to parent and not have another adult to bounce ideas and share the load. This web site is a place to celebrate with. Let me

dance with you  for the great job you have done with your son that now accepts boundaries. You give me hope for the future.

Marie-Louise

[Lynnsie]

Marie-Louise my daughter also had a suicide attempt in October.  I felt exactly the same way.  Thank God we have a second chance.  I'm glad your daughter is getting help.  I feel my daughter hasn't received enough help.  Partly the system here and partly her.  It is so much to take in.  I too, am trying to communicate in a different way.  I glad that your daughter appreciates  your efforts.  I hope things continue to improve.

[livednlearned]

Thanks to the books I have been reading, I have changed the way I speak to her and let her dream until she sees the reality herself. She made the remark a couple of days ago that she notices the total change in the way I communicated with her and she really loves it.

Marie-Louise, did your D notice this without you telling her you were trying to change? I think this is wonderful. What kind of changes in her behavior are you seeing in response?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders