Vacation-expectations talk and therapist

[Lifeinthefastlane]

I’m not sure what to do. My g/f uBPD and i are going on a 2 week vacation soon to another country. We’ve never done this  before.  In the last couple of months she had a couple of rage episodes.  Iunderstand them better now but am very worried our trip willbe ruined if she gets angry. I am ery weak emotionally right now after a difficult year withwork and my dad’s passing.  My g/f and i are okay right niw. My therapist suggested  either she or my g/f’s therapist could facilitate a conversation to help preparefor the trip.

My g/f has beenwith her new therapist for a few months and doesn’t feel comfortable with us going to her therapist for this one goal to develop expectations for the trip.my therapist is willing to help but now she isconcerned that my g/f will pick up on our long-term therapeutic relationship andfeelalienated. Shethinks it could harm the relationship in thelong-run. I’m tired. I feel alone and dont know what to do.

I want my g/f to have a clear plan for whenshegets angry. And i dont want to have to feel like i have to be physically intimate if i dont feel thatway. Not that she forces me but it definitely has become an issue physical intimacy between us.

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[Bnonymous]

Hi lifeinthefastlane,

I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing. It's understandable that you feel vulnerable at the moment. Do take time for self-care when you can.

I want my g/f to have a clear plan for whenshegets angry.

That would be good and might be something she can work on with her therapist. In the meantime, could you develop a clear plan of your own for how you will respond when she gets angry? This site could help you with that, if you wanted to try it.

And i dont want to have to feel like i have to be physically intimate if i dont feel thatway. Not that she forces me but it definitely has become an issue physical intimacy between us.

Feeling pressured into physical intimacy when we don't feel like it is horrible and can be really damaging. You say you feel like you "have to" but also that she doesn't force you - I guess what's happening is more like pressure, either from her or internal? Is there any FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) at play here do you think?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Could you tell us more about how you feel you "have to"?

Regarding the vacation, I think it's a matter of the day-to-day problems being magnified by the expectations surroundings a trip, e.g. sometimes there can be a  pressure to enjoy ourselves which makes us worry about all the things that might go wrong and also sets up a contrast between how things would be ideally and how they actually are - this is similar thing to how a lot of people find anxiety and depression heightened in the holiday season.

Were you able to work out a solution regarding which therapist to see about this (if at all)?