Was it abuse?

[Lou_june]

Has anyone else ever had a hard time labeling their parents as “abusive”? My mom did have a lot of outbursts, every now and then things would get physical and she would grab or slap. The verbal onslaught was the worst of it, and she lied and manipulated a lot. I’ve been trying to go through the memories that are coming up and processing them, but every time a painful one shows up I still don’t feel like I’m seeing my mom as being wrong. Which sounds messed up, I know :/. I just always saw her as overreacting, acting without thinking, or acting out of fear and I didn’t take a lot of what she did super personally (or so I thought) because my whole life I just wrote it off as her having some weaknesses that she needed to figure out and excused it because “no one is perfect.” So, in trying to sort out these feelings and emotions, I guess I still don’t always feel justified as labeling her as “emotionally abusive” because I feel like other have people probably had it worse than I did, so why complain? It didn’t happen every day, maybe an outburst once a week or every other week, only getting physical maybe once every couple of months. Does that still count as abuse or is it just a woman losing her temper? I have noticed now that I’m a mom that I won’t spank my kids and I beat myself up like crazy if I do so much as yell, so I know my moms behavior has obviously had an impact on me - I know I don’t want to repeat it - but I still struggle to think of it as abusive and I don’t know why. I’d rather call it “emotionally hurtful” because I knew even at a young age that my mom didn’t intent to hurt us, she just lost control of herself at times. Or that’s how I always saw it. I don’t know if that’s a form of denial or bargaining or what, if that was an okay thought process to have about it as a kid, or if that was a coping mechanism, or if it really WASNT as bad as it seems. I just don’t want to lose myself completely in it and am afraid to think of myself as an abused child because I don’t feel like I totally identify with that, if that makes sense. Is that normal? My husband thinks I’m just putting up a wall and neglecting that these things hurt me but I feel like it’s more so just me feeling like if it’s in the past, can’t it just stay there? If I acknowledge that these things hurt at all or try to dissect them, is it going to make things worse? I know my mom made a ton of mistakes but I’m afraid if I keep digging through this that I’ll end up hating her. I’m afraid of setting boundaries because as much as my mom hurt me we are still very close... .I’m afraid setting boundaries means not letting her in, but then if I don’t set boundaries I’m also exposed to all the bad stuff, too. Her explosive behavior is a lot more few and far between as we’ve gotten older, but it still happens every now and then, so I can’t ignore it anymore.I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place haha. Is that considered codependency? Has anyone else felt that way? Is there anything I can do about it?

[Harri]

Hi!   

It is so hard when the bad times were intermittent and the abuse was mostly emotional and verbal.  It is hard to reconcile all that to other peoples situations where abuse was more frequent and more obvious isn't it?  The thing is, it is all bad.  None of it is healthy all of it is damaging and painful and abusive.  All of it.

Emotional abuse especially when it is intermittent and there are good times in between is, I think the most confusing of them all.  I get it.  I think a lot of us here do.  A lot of us struggle with accepting that we were abused and how to label our experiences.  It takes time to process everything and that is okay. 

If it helps any, some of the abuse I experienced was more obvious and I still struggled with calling it abuse.  Some of that was denial and self protection.  I did not want to face it and I did not trust that I could handle the whole truth.  So I broke it down into parts and realized that I had some good things happen and some bad and some in between.  Sometimes I will still catch myself minimizing things that happened.  Again, I think it is part of the process.

One thing that does help sometimes is to ask yourself if you would ever do or say something to your kids?  If not, then that tells you something right?

Do you think intent really matters in defining whether something was abusive?  Say you lost your temper and hit one of your kids.  Does it matter that you did not intend to and you just lost your temper?

A lot of us struggle with this sort of thing here so I am glad you posted.  Let's talk about this some more.   

[Lou_june]

Thank you for your response! I thought about this quite a bit last night and came to that same conclusion. It hurt, it wasn’t okay and although people make mistakes, it doesn’t mean those mistakes don’t affect other people. Although most of me feels like I’ve already forgiven my mom, I think there’s this whole other side to it that is acknowledging the pain she’s caused that I’ve been really hesitant to do. Although I do think it’s important to give things a name, a lightbulb went off for me last night in  realizing that regardless of what name you give it, these situations had an impact on me that have lasted well into adulthood, and that’s what I need to acknowledge. I need to be able to say “yes, this hurt me” instead of continuing to shrug it off. Funny idea, validating your own feelings about a situation, isn’t it? Haha I forgot I could do that!

[Panda39]

Hi Lou_june,

I come at BPD from a different angle my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).

I found that when I first met him and started to see the interactions his ex had with their daughters that I didn't have the vocabulary for what I was seeing.  I was asking why a lot, and getting angry a lot. 

I mean who doesn't get their daughter to the dentist when she has a toothache (she had primary custody, my SO saw the kids on weekends).  D then 14 had a toothache, mom made an appt with the dentist, then didn't go, then she rescheduled and didn't go, then changed dentists, and didn't go... .it went on like this for 3 months!  That poor kid was in pain for 3 months before my SO found an office that had weekend appointments and got her in.  So what was I doing... .asking why? Why would she let her daughter suffer?  Why couldn't she just take the girl to the dentist? Why did she keep rescheduling? Why wouldn't she just let my SO take her during her custody time (he asked she wouldn't let him).  With each and every "why" my anger grew.  I knew this was wrong, but I didn't know the right word at the time, but I do now, that word is "Neglect".

I found that the Power and Control Wheel was helpful for me in terms of creating a vocabulary. Maybe it will help you too. It is a tool typically used regarding domestic abuse... .but unfortunately it is applicable in any abusive situation. (I'm at work and sometimes my images don't work from here so if you can't see the image just google it  )



Panda39

[sklamath]

Hi, Lou_june! I can relate to wrestling with that question, and would have to say it's a big reason why I ended up on this board. I've always described the dynamic as "difficult", but I would never pick up a book about "abusive" or "toxic" parents--it just seemed harsh. Emotionally manipulative and emotionally immature, yes... .but it's really only within the past months that I've been able to accept that while it wasn't necessarily intentional, and not as bad as it could have been, her behavior has still been a form of abuse. This also helps me understand why interacting with her in person--and especially when there is no one else present--fills me with such dread.

It helped me to write out "the facts as I see them", e.g. "I did this, and she said/did this." Then I could read the document objectively, as though it belonged to a third party. This woman may not have hit her child, but she criticized, blamed, engaged in emotional dumping with her young child to meet her own needs, guilt-tripped, gaslighted, administered the silent treatment, and withheld love. If I was reading this about a third party, I would not hesitate to characterize it as abuse.

[Harri]

Hi again!

Although I do think it’s important to give things a name, a lightbulb went off for me last night in  realizing that regardless of what name you give it, these situations had an impact on me that have lasted well into adulthood, and that’s what I need to acknowledge.

Yes.  Labels are important only in the most general sense I think.  Label it, define it, then work to heal yourself.  Healing is, obviously, the most important but you can't get there without awareness.  The Power and Control Wheel that Panda linked to is a great help with labeling and confirming our experiences.  (BTW, I tried to fix the link and could not... .I shall leave it to you to work your magic at home Panda)

sklamath said:  It helped me to write out "the facts as I see them", e.g. "I did this, and she said/did this." This is also a great idea!  Let us know how it goes.

One thing I have found is that I often have certain events return to the forefront of my mind and I re-evaluate the experience.  I don't so much re-label it, but I have to take a closer look with the new knowledge I have gained.  I think that is what people mean when they say stuff like healing is like peeling an onion, there are layers. 

I am glad you sat and thought about this last night.  How are you doing today?

[Panda39]

Here we go! 

Panda39

[Lou_june]

Yes I’ll have to look up that power and control wheel! I did start today with that suggestion to write down each memory as it comes so I can evaluate it a bit more. It’s seemed to connect some dots for me (finally) and slowly I can feel this big tangled up knot of thoughts and feelings starting to unwind. It is interesting to see that there were several larger instances that I’ve remembered, but a lot more of just generalized behaviors that happened often enough for me to be on eggshells about them, but I can’t always remember every detail. I just know there was a lot of criticism (mostly as I got older), manipulation, angry outbursts and specific reactions that happened enough I subconsciously have developed ways to tip toe around them. I’ve turned into a perfectionist and a people pleaser I think because of this haha and I tend to minimize a lot of my own feelings because I was often told I was “being ridiculous” “over dramatic” and “too sensitive.” As hard as it is t reconnect with those feelings it is oddly like a breath of fresh air. I’m almost excited to have this all feel slightly more organized on paper. Helps me to see that it’s not just made up feelings in my head and that it’s real. It’s super validating and I think I’ve needed that for a really long time! Thank you again for your kind responses and advice! I am so glad I found this site and have a place to talk about these things and ask questions. Mostly I’m just baffled that other people can put into words how I’ve been feeling for years and that I’m not actually just crazy hahah thank you again so much!

[Lou_june]

Oh awesome thank you for that wheel!

[JNChell]

Hi, Lou_june. Welcome to the community. In reading the title of your thread, and the content, this was abuse. I’m glad that you found this community. You’ve been met by some good folks. It’s hard to differentiate between abuse and tough parenting. We only have the example that we lived by as children. What do you think?

[Harri]

As hard as it is t reconnect with those feelings it is oddly like a breath of fresh air. I’m almost excited to have this all feel slightly more organized on paper.

It is exciting.  

I want to direct you to our Survivors Guide and the Survivors Manual which is a free book you can download.  There is lots of great information there for you to look through and you can discuss it here if you'd like.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0

The survivors Guide has 21 steps but is broken up into three parts:  Remembering, Mourning, and Healing.  A lot of our members here are currently in the remembering stage, though none of the steps are strictly linear.

I hope it helps.  Don't feel you have to read it all at once either.  Take it in pieces.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Lou_june. Just checking in to see how you’re doing. Give us a shout when you have time.