BPD g/f looked at phone and now I think she has BPD

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Help! My g/f with undiagnosed BPD looked at my phone. She saw a search i did for “borderline girlfriend takes me for granted”. She borrowed my phone to get some thanksgiving pics off of it when i was sleeping. She said she “it bothers “ her that i think she has BPD. She doesnt like me fiagnosing her. I havent-my therapist did after almost 2 years of patiently helping me to see “BPD” behaviors in her —-abadonment , push/pull, rage—-   I toldg/f i wasnt diagnosing her -i was trying to understand why she has been so angry... she has been very verbally and emotionally abusive.  She hates that word “abuse” so i have been using angry, criticism to describe her actions to her but they are very rageful. Anyways i do not feel comfortable disvussing BPD with her at all wighout a therapist present. She said shehas been in therapy for years and this has never come up. She doesnt hnddrstand why i would want to be with someone with BPD. She says that it bothers her that i have thought this for a long time. I never told her. Yhe only way she would have known is if she read my journal which i think she did a year ago after she broke up with me following my dad’s death. She had the key to my place.  I havenever confronted her about the journal. We have been planning to see a couples therapist but we are on waitlists.

So now what do ido about this BPD discussion:topic. There is no doubt she has it. I had to finally be honest with myself. My therapist thinks i should end the relationship b/c of her rage/abuse.   What do i do?

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[eeps]

what do you want to do? you've mentioned a couple times that your therapist thinks you should leave the relationship. is that what you want?

during the time that my uBPDbf was moving out of our apartment, he found my copy of Stop Walking On Eggshells. i let him say whatever he wanted to about it (which was mostly, "i don't have BPD, i can't believe that's what you think") and i didn't say much about it at all. our couple's counselor recommended i get it, and i did tell him that, but i didn't press any further. it didn't become much of a thing at all, i think mostly because i didn't really engage in it.
there is of course a part of me that hopes that him finding that book and reading the words "borderline personality disorder" planted a seed in him to figure out that he is more than just "difficult" (as he puts it), but i'm not holding my breath.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry you're dealing with this situation, but are glad you've found us.  We can help you learn coping skills to make the situation better.  Can you describe the last time your gf was verbally abusive?  How did you react?

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Eeps- thanks for replying. Although my therapist thinks i should end the relationship, i definitely don’t want to. I love her and her girls very much. Ever since she looked at my phone, I think she’s been looking up BPD - i know there is something on google that she has been looking up. I’m not sure either, but I think she may have erased my search history when I was sleeping after she looked at the first time.  It’s gone.  I intentionally didn’t close out that tab where i had searched for “borderline g/f takes me for granted”.  It was my phone so i did not have to delete something just b/c it was uncomfortable for her.  She hasn’t mentioned it again since the first conversation when she looked at my phone and was bothered that I think that about her - and why would i want to be with someone like that. Like you, I’m hoping that she will pursue this more.  It’s clear that her therapist has  not said anything to her about BPD so that makes me sad- though I wonder if her therapist does know what’s going on based on “areas she is working on”. She seems to use the words “valid” a lot - (e... g, her feelings are valid). Did your b/f bring it up again? I’ve followed your experience and did not bring it up again. I guess I’m learning not to engage with topics that I don’t feel like getting into - or that are going to go nowhere anyways. At times though,  I. Wonder if by not sharing, am. I being not authentic/honest.  It the relationship real when we hold back?

[once removed]

hi Lifeinthefastlane,

the diagnostic process is complex. we can look at the diagnostic traits, see a bunch of them, but diagnosis can be elusive, and is limited to around 2% of the population. most of our partners or exes would not reach the threshold, but have traits, even pronounced ones, and it doesnt take more than a little bit of BPD to make for an extremely difficult person. often times, what separates a diagnosis, is how much the sufferer wreaks havoc in their own lives, and less so how difficult they can be in their interactions with us or others.

i once told someone i know that i thought they had BPD. while i think even they would acknowledge that they have some traits, i was pretty far off, and our relationship was never the same again. a loved one knowing we think they have a personality disorder would come as a big, and even hurtful surprise. it may take a while for her to process.

so i think it was a wise move in telling her that you werent diagnosing, but trying to better understand. i wouldnt necessarily bring it up again, but if she does, i might double down on that approach. there is a lot of room for validation in this case, in that you can understand how a person would feel about seeing a romantic partner googling things about them/you... .its awkward all the way around for everyone involved. and while you cant undo that, you meant well. and i might make it less about her anger, and more about exploring healthy relationship strategies... .that could open up a constructive dialog between the two of you.

what do you think?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

RC - thank you for your support.  I am finding that coping skills are definitely needed right now.  So I’m open to learning. 

Last time she was verbally abusive, it went on for a week.  It resulted from a misunderstanding on both of our parts. I was supposed to go see her in the middle of the week and was waiting for her to tell me her schedule- she said she would.  On wednesday, I rec’d a text message that she had an important assignment due the next morning so she couldn’t meet me outside. If I could get to her kids’ school b4 5pm, they would love to see me. If not, we could arrange something for the weekend.   

We live over an hour apart, and there was no way I could get to the school b4 5pm as I had my job to do. My schedule as a teacher varies - I do work a lot. Anyways, I responded via text that I was happy she was setting boundaries for herself - and that I couldn’t make it b4 5pm. The weekend would be good.  Later that night,  we spoke on the phone. She knew I was having a challenging day at work, so she listened and I was very impressed by how empathetic she was.  I even thanked her for her support.  Then, she shared that she was disappointed that I had not gone to see them that night.  I explained that she had said that i thought she couldn’t meet that night.  She didn’t understand how i always misinterpret her and how she can never communicate correctly with me.  She said she wanted to “understand”.  I validated that point.  And I shared the message I interpreted was taht i needed to be there b4 5pm otherwise we would have to meet on the weekend.  I explained that it sounded like it was a misinterpretation and no one was to blame. She got louder- and repeated her question that she wanted to understnad why i always misunderstand her. I explained again - the same answer about how I interpeted her saying “b4 5pm” to mean that i had to be there b4 5pm. This went on and on- with me repeating briefly what i understood.  I said if you want to understand, I’m sharing with you the answer.  She got angry and hung up. 

Later that night, I rec’d a text inviting me to an event with her kids on saturday morning and that i shouldn’t say taht “she didn’t invite me”.  She said “p .s.  I’m frustrated that you constantly misunderstand me. Next time use common sense when you misunderstand what i’m saying and clarify when things don’t add up.” .  I was pissed. I was again being blamed for misinterpreting her communications (e.g. many times she gets angry and says don’t see her/call her, which means i’m Supposed to)  I hadn’t misunderstood in the moment and there was no thought that I owuld clarify something that i thought I understood.  I was very bothered by her comments about me using my common sense b/c that was insulting and more importantly- no one should be blamed over this and i could feel that I was going quickly down the gutter for somehting I wasn’t responsible for- a genuine misunderstanding.  I waited over an hour and was so angry.  I then wrote a text- which was rather long... explaining that nothing was wrong with my common sense- and that there was no need for me to clarify something that i had thought to be true at that time. At that time I was 100% clear she was saying to come b4 5pm or wait until the weekend. 

I sent a long text. She first replied by text and then copied the text and responded to points in an email — her responses are in parentheses. My long text communicated that i was thankful for the invite but needed to think about it since i’m not sure i feel comfortable with this invite that wasn’t genuine. ( she said don’t waste my time- i was uninvited - i make it complicated to do things and she wonders why she even bothers. She is tired of begging). I said that “while i appreciate her and would enjoy seeing her and her kids as i had been asking to visit, (you continuously hear what you want to,  can’t come see me as you always find reasons not to)., I’m not interested in spending time with you when you have a tendency to express your frustrations (she said ‘express my frustrations when i’m Tired of your b... s... .) on me by blaming me for situations in which no one is to blame. You did this a few weeks ago too. I hear you are frustrated by the communication (blah blah blah she said) as I am frustrated an exhausted by this kind of communication from you and with us.  Sometimes mistakes happen but don’t need to be blown up into personal attacks. I have mentioned this before to you- personal attacks sent with intention to hurt will only destroy relationships for me- as i will not be in them, (you are destroying relationships with these types of responses yourself).  I understand that you must be overwhelmed by... .I described all the things happening in her life that are overwhelming her... ., you must feel exhausted and alone. (She said  very nice you take information i share with you and twist it to fit your agenda How dare you blame my schedule for your neglect. What i don’t have tolerance for is your reverse psychology and constant judgment.). Today i did want to come see you (she said ‘ don’t bother, it’s too far). I then described again what i had interpreted her message to be and how i could not get there in time because of my work which is valid (she said valid is where you go when you don’t want to prioritize). ... .and it went on... i explained that i couldnt get there b/c of work- and she said in what world do i live when i think she can get some place to meet me b4 5pm She believes I was too tired to drive to her place and don’t want to hear.  I then explained that I perceive this as an “unloving” relationship when i am treated the way she has been... .and that i hope she and i can have a relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, free from personal attacks.  She said ‘look this is getting out of hand. You don’t put the effort in the relationship and then you wonder why i get upset.You get hurt and send me lectures about my abusive ways. She said the problem starts with me not being able to say and see the obvious.  She was also upset that i was going to happy hour to see my friends on the upcoming friday night - we meet once/month- and that i didn’t invite her.  I didn’t invite her b/c usually she has something on that friday with her work.  But i guess that friday wasn’t the case, but i didn’t know.   She is angry that I am putting her and her kids last on the priority list.  I explained that relationships are not about abandoning the relationship - becuase i didn’t want her to interpret that i was abandoning the relationship just b/c i’m Not there all the time.  But she called my behavior neglect and double standards.  And it went on. Her first text response had a lot of F - U in it. 

I didn’t respond. I had told her many times that i would not respond when she got abusive (although i stopped using the word “abusive” b/c it bothered her and she didn’t want me to use it; she didn’t think her behavior was abusive). Then 36 hours later - the evening of happy hour- which by the way, i initially skipped b/c i was so sad- , she texted me - and said how long does it take for you to F-ing call your g/f? Unbelievable.  And then she called. I picked up and she yelled and cursed for a good 5-10 minutes. I should have come see her- i should know by now that’s what she means when she says not to come and that’s what she needs.  she hung up- and then she called again- and yelled even louder- so loud, she woke up the kids- this startled her and she said she never wants to get like that again. If i wanted to talk to her, I had to come see her in person, not talk by phone.  She hung up b/c she had to talk to her kids who woke up.  I thought about it and called a little bit later and said that I can come, but i took sleeping meds and it is likely i will crash- if that’s she wants, i can come but it is likely i will crash.  She was calm and said no one needed to come.   

The next day I text’d her and asked her to call me - she wan’t picking up the phone.  She text’d a reply that i fi wanted to talk to her i had to go see her in person. I text’d that’s what i wanted to talk to her about. She called and I explained that I would come see her later but needed there to be no more yelling-and saying mean/hurtful things (i guess that’s my way of describing ‘abusive behavior’ to her now). She said she couldn’t promise that. I said okay then you need to know that if it happens, I will leave and come back later. She said okay.   And then we talked in person- i basically waited for her to bring up the topic - she had made me a nice dinner by the time i got there.  I felt so sad b/c i felt that the only way to get through this was for me to hear how i don’t prioritize them, which is 100 pct not true- I go there every week - almost the entire weekend. I have picked the kids up from their school, taken them to storytime, played with them, and done many other things with them constantly.  I’m exhausted emotionally;  my dad died and i’m Managing his estate and some very serious legal issues surrounding his death, plus i’m Under a very important performance evaluation that will result in me either keeping my job or losing it.  And... .i had major emergency surgery this past year for a serious health issue (non-cancerous tumor that had taken over an organ- both tumor and organ are now gone).  And more... .  Yet I still do everything i can to go there once/week for days at a time- though she only says it’s “one day”.  I can’t keep up and I’m sabotaging my own health and career.  I can’t sit anymore silently when she accuses me of not prioritizing and being there.  My failures in fulfilling things in my job/other parts of my life are due to the fact that i have spent significant time with them.  I don’t help myself and no one helps me. I feel alone. 

[Radcliff]

Misunderstandings and arguments like this are super frustrating, so it's understandable that you want things to be going better than they are.  A couple of thoughts... .

Would you say that long e-mails and text messages are helpful in resolving conflict with her?

Take a look at this article o the importance of learning how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Do you think JADE may be at play in your relationship?

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Good point Radcliffe. Since reading your message i have been trying not to do JAdE and it helps.

Recently somethinv cameup. Not sure what to do. She and i went to a therapist and it was great. The therapist had us talking about conflict.  I found myself sharing that i get anxious about potential conflict with her. The therapist asked me to describe my experience of conflict with her. I mentioned the cursing, yelling, extreme rage. The discussikn was helpful in sharing my experience. My g/f took sometime to u deestand that i wasnt talking about cursing in general but rather it was directed at me. My therapist asked me to elaborate about my experience of conflict with her specifically what makes me anxious about the conflict the most. I said that ut can go on for wxtended days - that i was talkinv about the extre anger.  My g/f felt remorse but inly remembers 1 incident when she was so angry she woke her kids up. And she said she never wants to do that again.  Since the session, she wants to know more and is very worried. She is trying to u dertand how iftem ghis rage happens or if it was just a few times.

The problem is it makes me sad. We are in a good place right now and i dont want to go backinto details of the conflict. We wnt to therapist for 1 session(my therapist) to discuss how our expectations for a good trip.  Iyesterday i checked my journal and realize the pattern is once/month there is an extreme rage.  They surround good experiences we have together or when i take some time to do something alone. I didnt write details so i fear she is going to ask me the details and want to debate them. What do i do?

[Radcliff]

That is a good sign that she has remorse and wants to make the situation better.  You're wise not to debate, but if she's asking it doesn't make sense to dodge the questions out of fear.  My best advice would be to ask about and validate her feelings around what happened.  For example, if you went to do something on your own, and she felt abandoned, lonely, or like you didn't care, you can validate her feelings without necessarily agreeing to her conclusions.

You said once per month.  Is this a rough estimate, or is it happening like clockwork every four weeks?  I suspect that my pwBPD's behavior was sometimes influenced by her monthly cycles.  If you think this might be the case, it might help to track things, and when that time of the month is approaching, be extra supportive and validating.

Can you tell us more about how things go when you do something on your own?  What kind of thing?  How do things go in the time leading up to the event?  Afterwards?

You can learn coping tools here that can improve your situation.  You'll get the most value out of bpdfamily if you visit your thread frequently and work through some scenarios with us.

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanjs Radcliff.  Well i wound up telling her some ghings and the reaction was good and bad...   bad in that she got upset, hing up the phone and then textd that she was upset and i was making false accusations(i have recordings that she doesnt know so i know its true) ... but i didnt jade and i didnt engage with her text. The next day i called her and wished her a good day... she me tilned her text and that i didnt respond... i said i didnt because we agreed not to discuss tooics like ghat by text.  She said ot was good i didnt. I said that it makes wense she would feel upset ... it is ipsetting. Ghats it and we didnt talk again about it.  She hasnt been cursing/verbally abjsive to me since

Today though im sad because yesterday i had a very emotoonal day with work-comllete breakdown and i called her yesterday about it... she listened and said the right things but i didnt feel her engaged. Last night she never called to ask if i was okay

[Lifeinthefastlane]

We spoke a lot today but she never asked about what was haplening and how i was feeling...

I feel very alone. What words can i use to convey that i wished she had calked me kast night to ask how i was? But in a way that doesnt set her off? How do i let her know that it seems like she forgot whats hapoening and what i am in the middle of at work(its a very stressful performance review that determjnes if i keep my job or not-the process has been biased and inequitable which caused the breakdown.) the final decision is coming in next few days. I know this performance review is long... .its a tenure review but its very emotional right now... i feel if i say anything she’ll be offended... she doesnt like to hear any feedback that she perceives to be me saying that she’s not supportive (tho i dint say those words).  I feel forgotten in some ways(the emotional needs ways). She has kids and i get she has to be there for them but weve been dating a while now and i dont think she ets how much i really am not a priority-i can never be.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

To answe your question-yes there is a monthly pattern. And it can be bad.

When i go play cards to take my alone time, she is sometimes supportive, sometimes not. She can tell that i feel uneasy about telling her because she says “it seems like u yhink imnot supportive of you playing cards/doing things for self” apparently i sound like i feel guilty. Well of course i do... there have been many times that she accuses me that she is not a priority and her kids arent. I’m honestly trying to breathe sometimes and im so tired with my life.  I know that when she is streessed and needs help with herkids, she can get very angry when i cant help. I live an hour away... and have my job too. She often makes passive aggressive comments about ithers doing ghings for her... .i feel like she tests... now i realize i dont have to explain why i cant do things when she asks which may help... .we’ll see next time...   but these incidents turn into rages about me not pauing attention to her.  Mind you in many instances i would have spent each weekend there helping or done things every so iften turning the week. Its never enough. She knows that it is a trigger for me when she says that i dont make her or her kids a priority... factually its not true but i understand in her reality it is.  I feel like my therapist is looking for each time i say something about her as a reason to reemphasize her point about my g/f uBPD. So i feel alone now in therapy too. Im burnt out.   

To give my g/f credit... sometimes she is there emotionally ... when timkng works on her schedule is my perception of the patterns

[Radcliff]

It seems like there are several things going on here.  First, good luck with your performance review.  It sounds extremely stressful, and I hope you get the best outcome possible.  As for asking her for support, I've found that backwards-looking conversations often end up in trouble and being less useful, because our pwBPD can feel defensive and we feel hurt if they don't see it our way.  You mentioned that she sometimes can't give support depending on how things on her end are going.  Might it be possible for you to ask her for some kind of future support that you think might be doable on her end?  Can you ask her about and validate her burdens before you ask for support?  Not only does the validation help, but it may help you to understand that part of her behavior may have to do with what's going on on her end.

Regarding your feelings of guilt, our pwBPD are often hypersensitive to our emotions.  The best way to deal with this is to work our true emotions into a better place.  Can you ditch the guilt?  Boundaries work could help you here -- getting to a place where you can go out for cards, and have laid the groundwork to do it without guilt.  You'd have to be ready to deal with any emotional blowback with compassion and validation of her emotions, but without defensiveness and guilt.  This would be a lot of hard growth work for you, but with a big potential payoff.  What do you think?

RC