Hello everyone
I'm new here. It's the holidays, so amidst family drama, I'm trying to process my emotions. My mother is an undiagnosed BPD/NPD. Though she does not have an official diagnosis, psychiatrists in the past (she has been hospitalized in the past at least once, possibly twice) speculated on a personality disorder of some sort. My previous therapist thought that she was either borderline and/or narcissistic, though as you know, she couldn't make a formal judgment.
Since I was very young, I've walked on eggshells around her: she's incredibly self-important, judgmental, emotionally immature, paranoid, unempathetic, and projects what she's really feeling onto others. One minute, she's cold as hell; the next minute, she's a drama queen. She projects a false sense of self in public in that she pretends to be happy-go-lucky and the perfect mother. While she's never been physically abusive, she's certainly not above using emotional or financial abuse and has used both to control me in my teenage years, 20s, and early 30s. (I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, which forced me to rely on my parents for money. I did work, but I couldn't do full-time and recover. It isn't something that I'm proud of; I'm working on financial independence right now.) On some level, per a recent conversation I had with her, she's aware of her treatment of me, but simply doesn't seem to care that much. Her actions are always because "I'm the abuser" or I spend "too much money," despite her using my credit card for her crap and most of my expenses going to medical/PT. Yet she's so "proud" whenever I'm successful or recognized in some way -- but of course, it's really "her" success, never mind the hell I went through to get there. My emotions don't seem to matter to her that much, especially if they're based in anger or pain. Regarding my father, aside from verbal and physical abuse, he tried to be as absent as possible.
I've learned that nothing will ever change with my parents. Rather, this post is about me trying to develop healthier habits mentally and emotionally. I know that I have some serious fleas. For example, my emotions are disregulated and I have intense panic attacks, though they're caused by specific triggers. I have reacted violently in the past, though with my therapist, I've worked hard to get rid of that one and haven't had an episode in five years. I am still vigilant, however, and always make sure to leave a potentially bad situation instead of staying and fighting. I'm still emotionally young for my age and find it hard to escape fight or flight. I'm slightly paranoid, though not nearly to the degree that my parents are. Partly for these reasons, I actively avoid romantic relationships and do not want children, though I can make friends and do cultivate friendships, i.e., equal give-and-take. While I'm not interested in relationships or children, I do want to be a good person and empathetic to others so that I don't end up like my parents, who are lonely, isolated, and emotionally unreachable people.
