BPD sister has abused her 2.5 year old daughter

[hazeinthedark]

Hi BPD Family,

I am 35 year old woman and the oldest of 3 sisters. My middle sister (BPD qualifier), 33, has two young daughters, 2.5 years and 3 mos. Her successful CEO husband is emotionally unavailable to his children, at times emotionally abusive to my sister,  but financially provides for the family.

Sister is sleep deprived, hormonal from the pregnancy, and caring entirely for the family at this moment.
Yesterday my sister called to let me know that her 2.5 year old daughter had broke free from her crib and made it downstairs in the middle of the night.

She then told me that she ran down the stairs, threw her daughter to the ground, hit her multiple times, screamed at her, and then buckled her into her car seat in their car in the garage and left her there for the rest of the night so that her daughter wouldn’t be a threat to herself and “to teach her a lesson.” She then told me “and I wouldn’t hesitate to do this again if my daughter gets free from her room!” As of today, she locks her daughter in her room at night.

Some context: my sisters and I are all survivors of incest, physical and emotional abuse by our primary caregiver(s) growing up. I am the only one who has sought significant professional support.

I am certain my sister will hurt her daughter(s) again because this is the only parenting discipline she knows.

I am curious if anyone here has had any success in talking to a BPD who is a parent about the fact that they are committing child abuse? And if so, what strategies worked to get the Borderline to seek help?

Thank you in advance for your time and support!

[Kwamina]

Hi hazeinthedark  

I am glad you decided to reach out for support and advice here. It does sadden me though how your sister has treated her 2.5 year old daughter.

Has your sister been abusive to her daughter before as far as you know? How does she generally treat her daughters? Her behavior is very disturbing and you also seem quite certain that she will hurt her daughter(s) again.

Is your sister also abusive towards other people than her daughter?

I am verry sorry you and your sisters experienced several forms of abuse while growing up. That's not easy to deal with at all being abused by your primary caregiver(s). Getting professional support can be crucial to heal from these types of abuse, so I'm glad that you indeed sought help. Are you still getting professional support to help you cope with what you've been through?

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

You are concerned about how your sister has abused her 2.5 year old daughter and believe she will do it again. I am concerned as well. What you have described if repeated again, could cause the death of your niece or cause her to suffer life long injuries both physical and mental. It is terribly difficult to do a Child Protective Services (CPS) Report, yet to protect the life and well being of your sister's children, it is essential that someone do one. It can feel like a terrible family betrayal to report someone like her to CPS. You can call CPS and ask specifically how your confidentiality will be respected without having to do the CPS report. The usual procedure for doing a  CPS report is to not reveal the name of the person who reported the abuse to the accused and to ask questions when interviewing the abusing parent in such a way that the person being reported will not be able to figure out who called CPS. It seems that your sister telling you what happened is a cry for help; I don't know if  you can stop her from her abusing her children without outside help, and if you were to talk to her about it, I am not sure if that would  make things better or worse. There are many caring and competent people in this group, so please stay in touch, as some will have ideas that may be more helpful than mine, and will help you to do what you feel the most comfortable doing. I admire your courage and caring in reaching out to us.

[Notwendy]

I am curious if anyone here has had any success in talking to a BPD who is a parent about the fact that they are committing child abuse? And if so, what strategies worked to get the Borderline to seek help?


Thank you for posting your concerns about your niece. I am not a professional but I can speak from the perspective of a middle age daughter of a BPD mom who verbally and emotionally abused me and I do not think you speaking to your sister about this will help. In fact, it would likely make things worse. Right now ,she sees you as a confidant and someone she trusts. After speaking to her, she may feel like a victim and shut you out. Then you would not be able to help at all.

I do not think your sister is a bad person but she is a danger to her children. She herself was abused and does not have the emotional capacity to manage the demands of a newborn, toddler and being hormonal all on her own. It doesn't sound like her husband is of any emotional support to her. It is known that abuse is trans generational- abused children become abusive parents. When your sister is emotionally overwhelmed, she falls back on the only familiar patterns she knows- how she herself was treated.

You are exceptional for doing the work to change this. However, if your sister also has BPD she needs exceptional help and support, and motivation to accomplish this, if it is possible at all.

That said, her children are in serious danger. Your sister will do this again. In addition to emotional issues, the consequences of child abuse include physical injury to internal organs and brain damage. If your sister hit the child there may be evidence such as bruises to document it. I agree with Zachira that this needs professional intervention through contacting CPS. They know how to handle these situations and what to do. It is possible that your sister may even be most helped by doing this- she may be directed to therapy and parenting classes. Even if CPS investigates and finds no proof, your call will be on record if someone calls again. It may feel as if you are betraying your sister, but it may lead her and the children to getting the help they need.

[hazeinthedark]

Hello all,

Thank you so much for your responses.

I do seek professional support for my ptsd on an ongoing basis(for the past ten years)  and occasionally seek support for my sister’s borderline episodes.

I am my sister’s closest confidant, our mother died when we were young and we have both cut off our father because of his verbal, physical, sexual abuse . We are people of color and have been the victims of serious civil rights abuses when forced to deal with the State and law enforcement in the past so I am very wary to call CPS.

My sister did call me today to tell me that she is at her wit’s end and that she needs triage support for herself. In her very limited way it did seem like some sort of “admittance” that she is aware that what she did was wrong. She said she looked up a book about the “ RIE” parenting style and identified with it. I have offered to get her started with an online therapist and she is looking into going to a parenting support group.

I have heard that with borderline, sometimes it has to be drastic measures that will get the Border to “wake up” to see how they are acting, so calling CPS is not out of the question in the future, but we have had so much trauma with the state and law enforcement and I have to also take care of myself right now because this is triggering my own memories of abuse by law enforcement and by my caregivers,, if that makes sense.

I am feeling so much grief and guilt. And I feel powerless, because I am, this is not my child.

Also, I do not know if my niece is injured, I have been unable to FaceTime with her.

Does anyone know any books you’d recommend about how to help a borderline in crisis without the borderline turning on you? She eventually needs to hear that what she is very wrong but I cannot lose access to my nieces!

Thank you everyone!

[Kwamina]

Hi hazeinthedark

Does your sister live nearby you?

Given your past experiences, I understand your concerns about contacting the authorities and CPS. Those types of experiences can be very traumatizing indeed.

You only know what your sister has shared with you, but if it's true what she did, the situation is very concerning. Though it's positive that she looked into parenting styles, she likely still has a long way to go.

It's clear that some sort of intervention is likely necessary to help keep your niece(s) safe.

Has she ever shown any insights like this into her own style of parenting before?

How did she respond to your offer of getting her started with an online therapist?

The Board Parrot

[Notwendy]

I understand your concern about CPS due to your experiences. I still think it is a necessary intervention when there is physical child abuse but I understand if you want to try to help in other ways.

Unfortunately - BPD is hard to deal with as a non-professional. Also, it tends to affect the relationships closest to the pwBPD the most. My mother has BPD and if I give her advice, she feels criticized and invalidated. I think it takes a trained professional to do this effectively.

The only thing I know of personally that has worked is the natural consequences of her actions. This is a hard thing to do as a loving family member- we want to protect our loved ones but that protection can also be enabling the person to not change.

It is good that your sister has recognized she needs help. Is there a way to get her to some kind of counseling? I also think she is exhausted. That doesn't mean it is right to abuse your child, but being exhausted makes her less able to cope.

Eventually toddlers learn how to get out of their crib. It also happened with my kids at about 2 1/2. It's an adjustment. Before, if they woke up, I knew they were safe in the crib until I could get them. Once a toddler can get out of the crib, it's a different parenting challenge. They also need to be transitioned to a toddler bed. Your sister may think the child is disobeying her by getting out of the crib, but it is a normal stage.

Your sister has a lot on her hands right now. You said her husband is doing well in the workplace but not helping her much. Do you think he would be willing to hire some help for her? It's a lot to deal with an infant and an active toddler at the same time. If a sitter could come to play with the toddler for a while, if someone could come do housework, it may take a stress off her. Do you live close enough to have the child stay with you for a while?

These were two interventions my father did when I was younger. This was in an era before CPS, and before much was known about BPD, but somehow he must have recognized that my mother did not have the emotional capacity to tolerate normal child behavior. We had sitters and also went to stay with his family sometimes.

I think it would help you to read about the Karpman triangle to get some insights to your sister's thinking. My mother tended to take "victim" perspective when she was feeling uncomfortable. She still tells a story about how I threw up on her floor on purpose as a toddler- about the same age as your niece. She says I came in her room, woke her up, and threw up on her floor just to get her. What an odd thing to think- toddlers get stomach aches and they throw up- not on purpose. Your niece didn't jump out of the crib just to disobey or annoy your sister. She got out because - she's exploring her world and has just grown large enough and developed the motor skills to get out of the crib. Before this, she couldn't.

This is one reason it is difficult to talk some sense into a borderline. The hurtful actions are done out of victim perspective and they feel that their feelings are invalidated when we speak to them and then feel attacked. It takes some skill to learn how to speak to them about issues that are difficult to deal with emotionally. Now, after the episode is over with your niece, your sister seems more open to asking for help. However, the next time her child frustrates her, she still has the same coping skills.

Your niece is at the age where a child becomes frustrating to a BPD parent. BPD parents have poor boundaries and perceive their children as extensions of themselves. Infants are compliant, but two year olds begin to assert themselves as separate people with their own personalities and this can be a difficult transition for a BPD parent. Your niece will frustrate her mother again, because this is a normal childhood stage, and this is concerning.

[zachira]

I really hear you when you say you do not want to contact CPS. Dealing with CPS can be a very traumatizing experience, especially if you have been mistreated by law enforcement in the past. Is there any way you can take your niece to a doctor to get a full check-up? You say you do not know if the child is injured or not, and brain injuries can not be apparent yet result in sudden death, especially in a very young child. You can just say the child has fallen and request a brain scan, if that is what it takes to make sure the child is not seriously injured. Your second task is to work with your sister to get her some serious outside help. I like Nonwendy's idea of seeing if you or someone else can take care of your sister's children until your sister is a safe parent for her children. You are very brave and caring reaching out to help your sister and her children in such a challenging time. Please keep us updated on what works and how we can be the most helpful. I believe we can find ways to help your sister and her children by keeping in touch and doing what will work the best for you. 

[JNChell]

Hey, hazeinthedark. I just want to say that I’m sorry that you’re feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place with your situation. I can see the doubt and emotions in your words. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there is ingrained loyalty between you and your sisters. That’s a very noble and tight knit circle if that’s how it is.

Abused children can grow in so many directions. You and the sister in question for example. You’re protective of your sister and rightfully so. You’re also here because you want to be protective of your niece.

This post hit home with me.

I was severely abused as a child by adoptive parents. The layers of abuse, neglect and abandonment run deep. I’m 42. Looking back, I wish I had an advocate, a family member, someone that would’ve removed me from the terror that I was going through as a child. Looking back, I didn’t really have a childhood because I was being abused.

You’re her advocate. I suggest taking on the role before she really gets hurt. Mentally or physically or both. Her bones are soft and her mind is vulnerable.

Your niece, 2 1/2 years old was beat in the middle of the night. She was then restrained in a dark garage and left by herself. I promise you that this event traumatized her at her core. It will happen again and more frequently as your niece gets older and has more to say. What she went through is similar to what a prisoner of war would go through.

Your sister has confessed it to you and has stated that she’ll do it again.

If my parents hadn’t abused me, I think I’d be ok. They abused me. I’m not so good at 42. Your niece has a chance here. This stuff needs to be nipped in the bud between 5 and 7 years old. I’d say 5 in your situation.

Make the CPS report. Are you willing/prepared to take custody of her? You’ve got to do something. Childhood abuse gets worse over time. Save your niece.

[Turkish]

I've been on both sides of CPS, both as a child (12) and as an adult (as a parent who reported possible sexual abuse of my daughter who was about the same age your niece.  I don't scare easily, but when the CPS worker told me that they had the power to take our children if we didn't keep them safe it scared the crap out of me. 

For what it's worth,  my ex is Mexican and I'm half native American.  I believe you that you had bad experiences with CPS when you were a kid based upon your ethnicity.  I turned out ok when I was 12 because I kept my mouth shut and the CPS guy didn't like that the DA threatened to use his agency to take me away.  Small town politics... .

So what can you do? 

Your sister trusted you enough to tell you the horrible truth.  My ex told me things she shouldn't have volunteered.  I used the tools here,  in combination with the fact that she trusted me,  to help resolve conflict,  underlined by the implicit fact that if she dish resolve things, I would have to report her (this was for exposing the kids to DV, not the previous thing I mentioned which was past and resolved).

What do you think?  You've been lurking a while.  Have you come across the communication tools,  the top ones summarized in the Tools pull down at the very top of the site?

We're here to help you work though this,  hazeinthedark. How have things developed and what do you think?

[hazeinthedark]

Hi everyone,
Thank you again for your replies.

I met with my LCSW therapist today and we decided that for now, I am going to keep documenting everything But keeping CPS out of it because she too agrees that because we are WoC, CPS is not the best answer at the moment. She is not opposed to helping me report in the future though. However, she was very adamant, having dealt with CPS her whole career, that it is a REACTIVE vs PROACTIVE agency that more often than not makes things worse.

My sister told me that she has started to see a therapist but has not admitted to any wrongdoing. In fact, she is now denying what happened and what she told me about what she did to her daughter. In fact, like a classic borderline/dissociative, she’s back to texting about Botox, drinking vodka,  her husband’s upcoming Xmas party and acting like nothing happened. My therapist says this is classic dissociative behavior whereby she herself may not even remember abusing her child/my niece because of all her unprocessed repressed trauma. I have been “gray rocking” it with my responses to her so that I can gauge her sanity at the moment but hearing her return to her usual selfish rants mere days after claiming to abuse her child is horrifying.

My sister also agreed to hire an au pair, who I helped interview and select, and the woman started yesterday. I will be going up to visit in a week and will try to ally myself with the au pair and my sister so I’ll have another way to be in touch with the family and monitor  how things are going with my nieces.

In the meantime, the crazy making of this incident has retraumatized and triggered me and so I am going to EMDR to process past childhood  incest and violent trauma by my BPD caregiver.

I am taking things one step at a time. Many thanks for your suggestions and I am open to receiving more re: supporting my sister, her 3 month and 2.5 year old.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update hazeinthedark

I am glad that you have a support network to help you deal with your sister's behavior and also with how this has triggered and re-traumatized you. You have experienced incest and violent abuse from your primary caregiver, I am very sorry this was done to you. Those kinds of experiences are very traumatic indeed and I can see how your sister's behavior could then have this particular effect on you now. We have some resources here that can be helpful as you try to process and heal from your own trauma:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

You also have another sister, is that youngest sister also aware of the situation with your middle sister?

My sister told me that she has started to see a therapist but has not admitted to any wrongdoing. In fact, she is now denying what happened and what she told me about what she did to her daughter... .….
…...
days after claiming to abuse her child is horrifying.

Do you believe that your sister's initial account of events is indeed really how it transpired?

Has your sister as far as you know ever abused her children before?

My sister also agreed to hire an au pair, who I helped interview and select, and the woman started yesterday. I will be going up to visit in a week and will try to ally myself with the au pair and my sister so I’ll have another way to be in touch with the family and monitor  how things are going with my nieces.

Hopefully the au pair will alleviate some of the stress your sister is feeling so she'll feel less overwhelmed. Great that you will be visiting them in a week so you can directly assess the situation.

Do you believe your nieces are currently safe with your sister?

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

I admire your courage in doing everything you can to help your sister and her children while practicing self care, and honoring your values. I did EMDR for my PTSD, and am very grateful for how it helped me. The feelings that arise when doing EMDR can be overwhelming at times, and a good therapist will help you manage the distress. It makes sense that your sister might not remember abusing her children, if she has a dissociative disorder. You might want to read about Richard Shwartz's Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFST), as it has some really good techniques that anyone can use to help a person with severe dissociation integrate their parts, to be able to connect the dots between their parts and function as an aware and complete person instead of someone who is scattered and disconnected. I am so happy for your sister's children that you are involved in selecting their Au pair, and will be going to visit to see how the children are doing. Do keep documenting everything as your LCSW has said. It sounds like you want to do everything possible to help your sister, and will only report to CPS as a last resort. I have worked off and on with CPS for years, and am far from an expert on CPS, as there are so many agencies, and it is different in every state. My experience was that CPS did not keep its employees because nobody wants to take people's children. I eventually found someone I could trust at CPS to handle my cases which were more in line with my values, and desire for the process to be as fair and kind as possible to the families involved. We are caring group, and are here to help you, your sister and her children in any way we can. Thank you for reaching out and trusting us with your story. Please keep us posted on how things are going.

[JNChell]

hazeinthedark, what’s the update. How are you and how is your niece? Please stay with us.

[AskingWhy]

I had to reply to this post.

My sister had a child with a man who was an alcoholic.  She went to work to support herself, the infant child and the child's father.  While my sister was at work, the father was so drunk he dropped a lit cigarette on his infant daughter's hand and burned her.  Often, my sister would come home from work to find the man passed out in a chair from drinking, half of his body slid off the chair.  When the child was old enough to take solid food, the man was too drunk to feed her, instead just filling a bottle with formula and giving it to her.  He lied to my sister about not having to go into work when, in fact, he had been fired for showing up late or hung over, or not showing up at all.  He claimed, "I am sick.  Alcoholism is a sickness," and yet continued to drink and not seek help.

My mother and I were alarmed and confronted my sister.  My sister, the enabler, defended her boyfriend, naturally, and said, "Well, he said he is feeding her!"  My mother, worried for her granddaughter, said, "Use you mother's eyes, for Heaven's sake!  She's underweight for her age.  Look how skinny she is!" My sister avoided our eyes and just chewed her lips.

I called CPS, who made a home visit while the grandmother was caring for the child.  You should have seen the daggers in my sister's eyes!   I didn't care because a child's well being was at stake.  The social worker spoke to my sister, explaining that the child was not being fed in spite of what the alcoholic boyfriend said.  She urged my sister to make a plan of care for her daughter since she was working.   It was decided the grandmother would care for the child during my sister's workday.

Please be your niece's advocate.  At that age, her mind and body can be damaged by an unhinged mother.