For most people, the bathroom is a safe harbor.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just wish I could figure out how to get to the safe distance. Like you, I no longer want to be a witness/audience member for his dysregulations. Yet I haven't found a way to be able to leave. I have been able to successfully intercept him at the pass a few times lately, but it doesn't always work.

Does he follow you? For most people, the bathroom is a safe harbor. But some pwBPD can't even respect that.

[Cat Familiar]

I just wish I could figure out how to get to the safe distance. Like you, I no longer want to be a witness/audience member for his dysregulations. Yet I haven't found a way to be able to leave. I have been able to successfully intercept him at the pass a few times lately, but it doesn't always work.

Does he follow you? For most people, the bathroom is a safe harbor. But some pwBPD can't even respect that.

[Ozzie101]

Does he follow you? For most people, the bathroom is a safe harbor. But some pwBPD can't even respect that.

He does follow. And I fear that when he's really worked up, even my needing to use the facilities would be a sign of my selfishness and my tendency to focus on my own needs while ignoring his.

The domestic violence counselor I've started seeing actually warned me that when he's dysregulating, I should stay out of the bathroom and kitchen. If he should tip over from verbal to physical abuse, those are the two most dangerous rooms in the house.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad you're seeing an experienced DV counselor. I would agree that the bathroom can be a dangerous place, should our pwBPD not respect our privacy.

My ex-husband knocked me to the ground in the bathroom and I nearly missed hitting my head on the tub and the toilet.

[love4meNOTu]

Ouch Cat... that brought back some bad memories and feelings.

Yes, the bathroom was my refuge. I could still hear the raging, and I was scared... then he brought out the screwdriver and took the door off the hinges.

I don't have to go through that ever again.

L

[WitzEndWife]

Since uBPDh kicked down my bedroom door, I no longer believe in locked doors being safe anywhere in my home. If I want to be safe, I'm going to have to leave the house. It's inconvenient, but it's better than sticking around while he's raging. Ugh, I hate this.

[believer55]

I just saw the title and giggled... .yes the bathroom, but the conversation continues from the other side of the door with me being told off for "running away" and "not facing my problems".

Ahhh - many an hour spent sitting on the loo (lid down of course)

B.

[Cat Familiar]

I just saw the title and giggled... .yes the bathroom, but the conversation continues from the other side of the door with me being told off for "running away" and "not facing my problems”.

It’s funny, if it weren’t so sad. The image of them following one to the loo, then making accusatory statements outside the door. They just aren’t aware of how pathetic their behavior is.

[AskingWhy]

When H raged at me in the past, he'd sleep in the couch as a means of withholding affection.  He'd take his pillow and blankets and leave me in our bed.  Some years ago, I'd weep and beg him to come back to our bed, wanting to talk it over.  I'd cry, begging forgiveness (like a lot of us nons) for whatever I did to anger him.   Usually a divorce threat would be given for my daring to displease him.

Now when H rages, I take his pillow and blankets out to the couch, tell him to sleep on them, and tell him I am awaiting talk about divorce in the morning.  I call his bluff.  I just skip all the drama and go straight to his tactics and H is baffled.  He knows the divorce threats no longer work, and his withholding affection by sleeping on the couch won't frighten me.

If H eventually devalues me and does file for divorce, I am also ready with legal support.

I agree that no uBPD H is cookie cutter and behaviour can't be predicted.

Use your own good judgment.  

[formflier]

Since uBPDh kicked down my bedroom door, I no longer believe in locked doors being safe anywhere in my home. If I want to be safe, I'm going to have to leave the house. It's inconvenient, but it's better than sticking around while he's raging. Ugh, I hate this.

If someone wants to be safe... .consider calling in authorities as well.

Once doors are broken in and other similar things, likely best to let professionals handle it.

FF

[CryWolf]

She would follow me in but tried to be cute about it. I just wanted space but it took her a while to respect it. And at time she she would get mad I needed this “space” and use it against me to make me feel bad.

[AskingWhy]

He does follow. And I fear that when he's really worked up, even my needing to use the facilities would be a sign of my selfishness and my tendency to focus on my own needs while ignoring his.

The domestic violence counselor I've started seeing actually warned me that when he's dysregulating, I should stay out of the bathroom and kitchen. If he should tip over from verbal to physical abuse, those are the two most dangerous rooms in the house.

I am glad your are seeing a DV counselor.  Make sure he/she knows about the books by Lundy Bancroft.   No DV counselor worth time and money would be ignorant of these two mainstay books on DV.

I once went to a counselor who had never heard of the Evans book, "Verbal Abuse."  She snapped that just because she did not know the book didn't mean she was not an effective counselor.  I should have looked closer at that red flag.

My uBPD/uNPD H had her eating out of his hand, manipulating her with his charm after the first couple's session.  (DV counselors, the good one, that is, don't recommend couples therapy for abusive R/S.)  I was weeping beside my H on the love seat in the office (oh, the irony!) shouting about the abuse. The T stood up shook her finger at me, ordered me not to shout at my H, snarling, "You don't shout at your H.  This is supposed to be a safe place!  You do that again, and you're going to lose this man who loves you!"  Needless to say, the therapy was over for me, and I chose not to return.  Of course, H saw this as the perfect opportunity to say, "See?  You don't want to change for the better or listen to the counselor's advice. You like instigating arguments."  Another irony is that this T was a supposely an expert for victims of a buse, Yet could not detect domestic abuse (psychological/verbal) right under her nose!

Make sure your T knows about how pW PDs can manipulate Ts.  It's common for a T who does not understand BPD to be taken in by the lies of BPDs. 

[Cat Familiar]

We often talk here about having a “Go” bag stashed discretely in the trunk of your car. It has an extra set of keys, a change of clothes, credit cards, money, etc.

If you feel even the slightest bit of physical vulnerability from your partner, you have the option to leave and spend the night in a motel until things have cooled down at home.

Far better to exit a dangerous situation than to stubbornly hope that things get better and remain in jeopardy.

[Red5]

We often talk here about having a “Go” bag stashed discretely in the trunk of your car. It has an extra set of keys, a change of clothes, credit cards, money, etc.

If you feel even the slightest bit of physical vulnerability from your partner, you have the option to leave and spend the night in a motel until things have cooled down at home.

Far better to exit a dangerous situation than to stubbornly hope that things get better and remain in jeopardy.

If you bail out... .do not use your credit card at the hotel, use cash if you do use a charge it card, or debt card... .pw/BPD will know exactly where you are, and they might just “show up”... .so use cash to check into the hotel... .eat or what ever... .ever see that old movie “Enemy of the State”... .every time you “swipe” you leave an electronic trail to your actual location... .something to think about... .

Red5

[Red5]

... .every time you “swipe” you leave an electronic trail to your actual location... .something to think about... .

In the case of a joint checking/savings account;... .all "H" has to do is look at the online point of sale transactions (POS)... ."pending", or "debit"... .and "H" will be able to see where you are geo-location in real time.

For example mine during the last 48 hours (UNCLASSIFIED & SANITIZED):

*Pending:POS Debit - Visa Check Card XXXX - FOX TRAIL ANIMAL HOSPITAL
*Pending:POS Debit - Visa Check Card XXXX - NO NAME PIZZA
*Pending:POS Debit - Visa Check Card XXXX - MARKETPLACE ANTIQUES
*Pending:POS Debit - Visa Check Card XXXX - Archie's Saws & Power Equipment
*Debit:Visa Check Card XXXY- HARRIS TEETER
*Transfer From Checking-$200.00
*Debit:Visa Check Card XXYX - CHEWY.COM
*Debit:Visa Check Card XXYX - Bogue Sound Bar & Grill

... .If "H" were to see the "Holiday Inn on 5th and Main", or "Chester's Chuck Wagon on 13th ST"... .he will have you "zeroed"... .

BE careful !

Red5

[Ozzie101]

Luckily, my credit card is mine alone. Our debit cards are for a joint account to which he has access but our credit carts are completely separate. Anyway, I have two different safe houses lined up just in case. And he doesn't know where either is. I also know where a (secret location) DV shelter is since that's where I receive counseling.

The DV counselor I started seeing is well-versed in BPD. She doesn't treat it specifically herself, but when I mentioned it, she nodded and rattled off a lot of information. She also has a close friend with it (one who has made great strides with DBT). Also, she herself was adopted as an infant (as H was) and has a lot of first-hand and research knowledge of the trauma and psychological impacts that can have.

[formflier]

You seem to be well prepared.  Tossing out a few other ideas to add to level of preparation.

Are all the DV numbers you can think of programmed into your google/phone?  Are they "hidden" behind names that would only make sense to you?

In other words, don't put down "DV crisis center" so that would pop up as caller id when it comes in... or you use it to call out.

You could store it under a completely random thing "FF advice line"... .that would only make sense to you.

Have you digitized (scanned) and stored important documents?

Stashed some cash money in safe places in your car?

Good job on being prepared!

FF

[Ozzie101]

I do have the numbers stored under safety names. And I change my phone passcode about once a week. He can't get into it. The counselor made sure I don't have a thumbprint recognition on my phone since sometimes abusers will wait until the victim is asleep and put their thumb to it.

I've made copies and photos of bank account info, our trust documents, credit cards, passport, marriage license, SS card, (mom has my birth certificate). The paper copies are locked in a drawer at work.

I have a bag with a change of clothes at work too.

[formflier]

 
Do you have cloud storage?  Are those copies made physical copies or digital that you just need a password to get to?

Sounds like you are on top of things.

FF

[Ozzie101]

I haven't saved things to cloud. I do have digital copies that are password protected. And I have physical copies locked up.

Had a big incident last night (wrote about it in the Bettering forum). I'm going to talk to my counselor after Christmas and start developing safety plans.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332235.0

[Cat Familiar]

Good to have a safety plan in place. Hopefully you will never need it.

But so many of us who have found ourselves in volatile, violent situations have been in denial that nothing bad would happen. Better to be prepared beforehand, just in case.

I was assaulted many times by my ex-husband, but I still fell victim to magical thinking of "It won't happen again."

Finally, it didn't happen again, and that was only because I ended the relationship with him. But even after I did that, I lived in fear for a year that he would try and attack me again.