I’m down and feel bad for it

[JNChell]

I’m not a fan of the holidays. I’ve been drinking to drown them out. I’ve been asking myself so many questions. Is this going to end one day? It’s pretty god damned overwhelming right now. The breathing isn’t working. I guess that I just need to sit in it for a while. I know that the feelings will pass, but I get tired of having to go through the process. I hit these lows and I get sick of the process. I want to quit. I’m over it. I don’t contribute anything to anyone. That’s how I feel right now. I don’t like the holidays.

[Harri]

Hi there.    

You're not alone JNChell.  I don't mean with the way you are feeling about the holidays though there are lots of people who can relate.  I mean about feeling tired, wanting a break, even wanting to quit.  It is okay to take a break and to feel tired.  It is okay to want to quit too. 

The lows suck for sure.  I am glad you posted.  We can listen.

I won't lecture you about drinking because you know that does not help and actually makes things worse right?  <---- that is a cleverly disguised lecture meant to sneak up on you!  Beagles are tricky like that!   

[itsmeSnap]

Hi JNChell

You posted on my thread so I had to take a moment to drop by yours

Is this going to end one day?

I know that the feelings will pass, but I get tired of having to go through the process

It gets better I think, most people have told me the same. You sound like you've been there (as in better) yourself before.

I don’t contribute anything to anyone. That’s how I feel right now.

You literally just posted on my thread a few hours back and it was a huge help for me focusing on how to handle what I was talking about. 

It’s pretty god damned overwhelming right now

I don’t like the holidays.

I don't get to tell you how to feel about it. just like Harri said, let yourself feel it. When you're tired and groggy and trying to get things done, taking a moment and a proverbial nap might just be what you need to "wake" back up feeling refreshed and getting to where you want to be.

Hope that helps.

[JNChell]

Harri, I am tired. You know, you and I have been through similar situations, yet you’re counseling me. Thank you. I mean that. I don’t even have an issue to talk about. It’s the feelings. The stuff that comes to the surface. I have a dark memory of my dad repeatedly punching me in the back of the head on Christmas Day as we were heading out the door to go to the grandparents. They were so fake.

[Harri]

JNChell, we help each other.  Truly.  I can relate to a lot of your experiences and the feelings and yes, it is so tough.  You have helped me and lifted me up plenty.  It's your turn and it is okay, it is right even.

IMS (itsmesnap) and I have your back.

 

[JNChell]

Snap, thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. I tried reaching out to my best friend last night. He was only able to go so far with the conversation. I know that he doesn’t get it. I think he understands but he’s not experienced things like that. His family is wonderful and in tact. That place in the country is a place that I would escape to as much as possible as a kid. That place was a deciding factor for me I believe. Without things like that to turn to, I may have very well crossed over to the point of no return. I can see how close I’ve gotten to that point. It’s a long walk back to where I choose to be, and I’m happy with the fact that there are good people like you and Harri are willing to walk beside me. Thank you, Snap. I’m glad you’re here with us.

[JNChell]

Harri, you’re right. We do help each other here. I’m grateful for that and equally sorry that you’re able to relate with my stuff. I know your story.   Thanks for the psuedo lecture on drinking. I know that it doesn’t help anything. Excuses are just that, but I needed to escape for a bit. I needed a break. Turkish sets a better example by hiking in the woods. He’s a wise wolf.

Even with a very good therapist, I don’t think I would be where I am right now without the help from this community. I’ve been thinking about this place a lot lately. I’ve said in another post that we can go as deep as we choose to here. That’s a very freeing feeling. Thanks, Harri. I wish that there was a fist bump emoji. Skip?

[Kwamina]

Thanks, Harri. I wish that there was a fist bump emoji. Skip?

This will have to do:


 

[JNChell]

Awesome, Kwamina! You rock!

[zachira]

JNChell,
I hear how hard it is to get through the holidays without feeling a lot of pain and anger. I think I may be misleading people a bit when I tell them to feel their feelings as a way to feel better. The truth is that feeling your feelings can be extremely challenging when the feelings have been ignored for so long, and trying to do so can sometimes just be too overwhelming. When the feelings are too overwhelming, it is important to find ways to shut down some of the feelings, until we are ready to process them. The resolution of terrible trauma can require working with a  qualified therapist. It is often after many months, sometimes years of working with a therapist, that a client is ready to discuss the worst part of the trauma. It is often not necessary or possible to discuss the trauma and the feelings. There are many ways to process feelings, and one way is to work on being more in contact with our bodies, through activities like massage, yoga, exercise, etc which open up the frozen part of our bodies that are holding our most painful feelings.
I hope you are feeling better today, and some of the suggestions by others have helped. Do keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful. We care and understand. You are an important member of our team. We all admire how hard you are working at feeling better. I just hope you can slow down a bit, which I know is hard because like you, we all want to put the terrible past and present with our family members and partners with BPD behind us as much as possible.

[JNChell]

Thanks for the touching message, z. I appreciate it. Also, I see what you’re saying about having to put certain feelings and memories away at times. You’re right, sometimes it’s just too much. Thanks for helping to ground me in that fact. Being able to be aware is critical. Having people around to help us be aware is very important as well. You just did that for me. Much respect to you, z.

You know, I think that after I get through all of this stuff that I will find joy in the holidays again. I just have to push through the reasons of why I don’t feel joy during these times. It’s a process of recognizing what it is, why it hurt, telling it no and leaving it in the past where it belongs. It sounds easy when worded like that.

We’re dealt the cards that we were. Sometimes we have to be creative with a bad hand. Happy Holidays, zachira.

[zachira]

I am always glad to help. You will someday be able to enjoy the holidays. I am just shocked how this year I am going to be all alone and feeling great, compared to last year when I was all alone and cried my heart out. This was after years of working on my pain and sorrow about how my family members with BPD and NPD abuse me. You will get there too, because you are capable and willing to do what it takes. I am glad to hear you are going to go more slowly. At the same time, I hear your natural impatience to just want to get it over with. It is so infuriating that these family members and partners with BPD have impacted our lives so much, and we just get to a point where we don't want to allow them to spoil one more second of our lives. I hope you will find something you enjoy doing on Christmas. Keep us posted with your thoughts and feelings.

[JNChell]

I’ll have my Son tomorrow. We’ll be doing our Christmas thing here and staying with my best friend and his family afterwards. I am looking forward to that, so all isn’t glum. This year, my joy of the Holidays will be by observing my child. I know that’s a fine line that needs to be kept in check, but his smile and happiness will cause mine this year. I’m his caregiver, he isn’t mine. I’m aware of that. But, I also see how his happiness can put me at ease. Just knowing that he’s happy makes me happy.

[zachira]

I am so glad you will be enjoying Christmas with your son. I admire that you care and love your son, and are doing for him what your parents could not do for you. One of the best ways to heal from abuse can be having children and giving them the love and respect you never got. Have a joyous and merry christmas with your son!

[JNChell]

Thank you, z. I wish that I was gifted with the way that you can articulate. Writing or exact communication has to be part of your profession. Anyway, I wholeheartedly agree with you about how it’s easy to love my Son and treat him well because I didn’t experience that. I would’ve guessed otherwise, but my T has made me understand that most adult survivors of childhood abuse don’t abuse. This is comforting to know.

I’m going to go off on a tangent here. I was in Walmart yesterday buying a Powerwheel for my son. I heard a dad tell his son, “I swear by Christ that if you walk in front of this cart, I’ll run you over.” The tone was narcissistic. My blood boiled and I went looking for the guy. I caught myself and took a sacred pause. It wasn’t my place to triangulate the situation. Those words just set me off. Perhaps it was a joke, but I know that tone. It makes me sad that this stuff is happening while I type. Children are delicate beings. I feel powerless in saying that.

z, you mentioned that you are going to be alone for Christmas. I’ve been there many times over the years. Do you have a meal or activity planned for yourself? Personally, I’m terrible when it comes to self care. I haven’t learned how yet. Not consistently. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow. 

[zachira]

I don't think I am particularly gifted at how I say things. With time as you come to understand yourself better and others, you will better be able to express your feelings, though you are doing a really good job right now at interacting with our members, and would not have been chosen to do so if you did not have your own gifts in knowing how to interact with others.
I too get mad when I see children being abused. Do not underestimate how getting involved in very small ways can help these children. Most of the time we have to stay out these situations, yet sometimes there is a small window of opportunity to do something to help the child feel better. Sometimes I talk with children who are being mistreated by their parents in public. The parent often welcomes my talking to their child as the parent is usually uncomfortable with parenting, and welcomes a small break from having to be around their child. The child usually responds positively, and I feel happy knowing that I have given this child some positive validation while terribly sad for the child for having such a mean parent. When I was a child, I remember fondly all the adults that gave me just a small amount of their time to let me know that I was a child worthy of love and attention. Oftentimes these people were complete strangers.
Thank you for caring about my Christmas. At least for today, I am just so happy to be free of all the terrible inferior feelings that have been projected onto me by my family members with BPD and NPD for most of my life. It has taken me years to get to this place. Maybe on Christmas Day, I will feel differently. My cousin has told me I am always welcome to come to her house for Christmas. She lives far away so it won't happen this year.
Enjoy your Christmas with your son and friends.

[JNChell]

I knew that you’re an intellectual! You work with kids? Commendable, z. I wish that I had that capacity. I’m only able to deal with my Son and my own inner child currently.

You are gifted with words. You make them count. This is feedback from the outside. You’re impactful, z. Your words create good things.

I get what you’re saying about getting involved in children that are being abused. Yesterday wouldn’t have went well for the child if I had injected myself into the situation. He would’ve most likely seen a very ugly outcome .

The small window of opportunity that you speak of don’t exist in the moment. I wanted to beat this guys  then and there. I’m glad that I didn’t. I’m glad for you. Your words here are paramount.

[JNChell]

zachira, I’m sorry for the abuse that you suffered. I feel you. My people are no longer alive. That’s why I find it hard to try to interact on PSI. I don’t know what it’s like to deal in real time. I’m processing memories. I don’t really know how to help people through their stuff in real time.

[Harri]

Kwamina, thanks for making me smile yet again with another fabulous photo!

zachira, I hope you continue to feel happy and content tomorrow as well.  I too will be alone and I am okay with it.  I have a movie picked to watch (a friend recently turned me on to the comedian Jeff Dunham and he has a special available to stream that I am looking forward to watching.  He is too damn funny!)  and I might watch planet of the apes (the old ones) again.  Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!    And I shall of course watch A Christmas Story.

JNChell, my parents are dead too.  I can relate to members though.  The feelings are there so are the situations, they are just in the past and some still haunt me.  

I don't want to contradict you but (!) you too relate to the emotions.  I see it in every post you make in reply to others and in your own posts.  Please stop limiting yourself.


 

[Feeling Better]

Hey JNChell,

You have some great responses here and lots of support. There’s not really anything I can add so I am sending you a big Christmas hug from the other side of the globe 

Take one step at a time and one day at a time, you will get there.

I hope you have a great Christmas with your dear son and then with your friends too.

FB x

[JNChell]

“A Christmas Story” is one of my favs . Thanks for the stern advice, Harri. I’ll do my best. Sons a  bitches! Bumpases’!

[JNChell]

Hey, Feeling Better . I’m glad that you chimed in.   I hope that your Christmas is warm and relaxing. You deserve it.

[Harri]

   JNChell, what I said was not meant to be a stern finger wagging lecture!    I think maybe beagle needs some whiskey! 

About A Christmas Story... .I love the end too when they are in the Chinese restaurant singing far rah rah rah rah ... .  so wrong but so funny!

[JNChell]

I don’t mind a good finger wagging. I need a healthy one from time to time. There’s a Chinese joint just around the corner from where I currently live. I was thinking about taking my Son there tomorrow.