Old Letters on the computer.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

... .so its very late here, I am going through the old files on this old computer.

(back story)

... .uBPDw moved outa here about three weeks ago.

... .I've suspected that she is BPD, high functioning, maybe a hermit "witch"... .since about the end of 2016, right about the time I found this website.

... .uBPDw is a career accountant, she worked for the college system here since 2006. In that time shes held two high level positions in two different college's. She resigned her positions in both systems, citing personal differences with leadership, the first resignation was reconfigured to a transfer... .the second was a claim of discrimination due to her /C/ dx about 2.5 years ago now, when in actuality, she was about to be officially counseled due to failure to "conform" to the inner office tasking requirements, so she basically quit because she got mad at her vp... .

... .she went back after she resigned, and got put out on disability, along with a claim, which resulted in "medical retirement with 'back-pay'... .a substantial amount of "compensation".

So tonight I come across this letter between her and her direct report (vp), from the fourth month of two thousand and thirteen... .this was long before I knew anything about BPD, or npd.

This is basically a classified type inner office correspondence, that got "left" here on this old computer... .to me a very interesting insight of things long before I suspected anything other than "shes got a 'big time' anger problem"... .

... .although by 2013 (dated letter), the other shoe has long dropped, in our marriage, she was already "acting out" here at home, and apparently at her work as well... .we married in 2011 after dating since 2007.

Here is the exert (below) that absolutely through me for a loop T loop this evening, like holy $hit Batman... .wow!... .I remember all the turmoil, of the first position she held, and how she did not get along with that new female vp, but I had no idea how bad it had gotten, only that she was going to transfer to the college up the road, due to her technical acumen being requested to help "settle the books"... .the story I was told... .

... .then about a year and a half ago, the same scenario appeared to have happened again... .so she resigned out of "anger"... .here is the line from the letter I found tonight on this computer... .

// Response to performance correction of April XX, 20XX, .I do not wish to sign this document because I disagree with the allegations made against me.  I have attached the below e-mail in question between myself and my supervisor, illustrating that I am not an aggressor or unprofessional, but instead have attempted under extremely trying circumstances, to maintain a working relationship. I believe that the information provided below shows that I am not seeking a hostile environment with my supervisor, but rather the reverse.  I have always been taught that “Leadership leads by example.”  The insinuation that I may have a mental illness that requires the counseling services of the Employee Assistance Program is quite offensive to me.  I removed my personal belongings from my office because I feel threatened and attacked by my supervisor and prior attempts to rectify the situation (mediation) have proven unfruitful.  I simply wish to do the good job for the College that I have done in the past as my previous supervisor’s employee evaluations will attest to.  Please feel free to contact her. //

... .her exact words, wow... .this is shall we say, "insightful" to me.

In both cases, her "supervisor" was a female.

Holy crazy making !

I'm still floored about this... .to think that her direct report (vp) thought she had (has) a "mental illness"... .and wanted her to seek "counseling"... .just wow !

... .and this was three years before I even started looking for answers on my own, way before I even discovered BPD/npd as a possible dx for her, the "reason why"... .

Thoughts anyone... .

Red5

[Red5]

... .so its very late here, I am going through the old files on this old computer.

(back story)

... .uBPDw moved outa here about three weeks ago.

... .I've suspected that she is BPD, high functioning, maybe a hermit "witch"... .since about the end of 2016, right about the time I found this website.

... .uBPDw is a career accountant, she worked for the college system here since 2006. In that time shes held two high level positions in two different college's. She resigned her positions in both systems, citing personal differences with leadership, the first resignation was reconfigured to a transfer... .the second was a claim of discrimination due to her /C/ dx about 2.5 years ago now, when in actuality, she was about to be officially counseled due to failure to "conform" to the inner office tasking requirements, so she basically quit because she got mad at her vp... .

... .she went back after she resigned, and got put out on disability, along with a claim, which resulted in "medical retirement with 'back-pay'... .a substantial amount of "compensation".

So tonight I come across this letter between her and her direct report (vp), from the fourth month of two thousand and thirteen... .this was long before I knew anything about BPD, or npd.

This is basically a classified type inner office correspondence, that got "left" here on this old computer... .to me a very interesting insight of things long before I suspected anything other than "shes got a 'big time' anger problem"... .

... .although by 2013 (dated letter), the other shoe has long dropped, in our marriage, she was already "acting out" here at home, and apparently at her work as well... .we married in 2011 after dating since 2007.

Here is the exert (below) that absolutely through me for a loop T loop this evening, like holy $hit Batman... .wow!... .I remember all the turmoil, of the first position she held, and how she did not get along with that new female vp, but I had no idea how bad it had gotten, only that she was going to transfer to the college up the road, due to her technical acumen being requested to help "settle the books"... .the story I was told... .

... .then about a year and a half ago, the same scenario appeared to have happened again... .so she resigned out of "anger"... .here is the line from the letter I found tonight on this computer... .

// Response to performance correction of April XX, 20XX, .I do not wish to sign this document because I disagree with the allegations made against me.  I have attached the below e-mail in question between myself and my supervisor, illustrating that I am not an aggressor or unprofessional, but instead have attempted under extremely trying circumstances, to maintain a working relationship. I believe that the information provided below shows that I am not seeking a hostile environment with my supervisor, but rather the reverse.  I have always been taught that “Leadership leads by example.”  The insinuation that I may have a mental illness that requires the counseling services of the Employee Assistance Program is quite offensive to me.  I removed my personal belongings from my office because I feel threatened and attacked by my supervisor and prior attempts to rectify the situation (mediation) have proven unfruitful.  I simply wish to do the good job for the College that I have done in the past as my previous supervisor’s employee evaluations will attest to.  Please feel free to contact her. //

... .her exact words, wow... .this is shall we say, "insightful" to me.

In both cases, her "supervisor" was a female.

Holy crazy making !

I'm still floored about this... .to think that her direct report (vp) thought she had (has) a "mental illness"... .and wanted her to seek "counseling"... .just wow !

... .and this was three years before I even started looking for answers on my own, way before I even discovered BPD/npd as a possible dx for her, the "reason why"... .

Thoughts anyone... .

Red5

[Struggler123]

Often times, those that are around us are able to judge someone better than those invovled in the relationship. Its simply because they don’t have that emotional attachment. I had a friend once ask me, “Why are you in this relationship, she seems crazy.” I still find his choice of words harsh, but he felt like something was not right.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Red,
This reminds me of my mother. She had a number of jobs that she worked at, then suddenly quit. She always said it was someone else's fault for making the work environment intolerable. She would go on at length about how bad her coworkers and bosses were. Every. night. at. dinner. for. hours.

She described herself as a highly competent and devoted worker, while everyone else was a slacker. And she thought that was the reason that people didn't like her. I don't doubt that she did work hard, but I bet her people skills sucked.



Interesting how she extracts quotes from her job review and replies to them: aggressor, unprofessional, "seeking a hostile environment", "mental illness that requires the counseling services".

Whoa... .they had her number, to be sure.

Cat

[crushedagain]

When you consider that most people spend more time with their co-workers than they do their "loved" ones, this is not surprising whatsoever. We've all worked with cray-cray. It's hard NOT to notice.

[WantToBeFree]

I agree with what everyone else has said.  We spend so much time at work, to have BPD, it must be almost impossible to hide it.

My stb-ex is on his 4th job since I met him 11 years ago.  Luckily for him they were all small landscaping companies whose environment is a lot of "boys being boys" and mouthing off to each other and cussing and stuff, so his behavior was probably not as prominent as it may have been on a corporate office setting, and he was a good worker, so they kept him around.  But I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, to hear that he cussed out his boss one too many times and was canned.

His job now is still a similar work environment, but he works for a major university, so the stuff that would fly at his old jobs won't fly there.  Last summer we went camping with a buddy of his who is also a co-worker.  It was my first time meeting him, and one of the first things he said to me was "you must be a special special lady to put up with him".  And he also said her foresees him not working there within a few years.  He said he was sad to say it, but he predicts that my ex will do something dumb or say something to get fired.  Being that this was HIS friend and I was meeting him for the first time, I was surprised to hear how candid he was about it. 

It was something I always worried about, that he would lose the only good job he's ever had.  I still worry, because obviously, he will be paying child support.  Not only did his previous jobs not pay as well, I am certain his old bosses would have been willing to underreport his earnings or pay him under the table completely to avoid child support.  So I still worry about him losing his job.

I would bet we would all be quite surprised if we could speak to some of our spouses/ex's co-workers.  Did this help bring you some closure at all?  Like to feel justified that it was not just you and others saw this behavior as well?

[Red5]

I agree with what everyone else has said.  We spend so much time at work, to have BPD, it must be almost impossible to hide it.

I would bet we would all be quite surprised if we could speak to some of our spouses/ex's co-workers.  

Did this help bring you some closure at all?  

Like to feel justified that it was not just you and others saw this behavior as well?

Yes, and sadly... .it has provided me a measure of closure... .in the fact that she will never ever seek any counseling, or therapy.

Even back then, after the first two years of marriage, which were extremely tumultuous... .she was doing the same thing (behavior) not only here at home, but at her job as well.

So in regards to this marriage ever being salvageable, .we certainly cannot go "back" to the way we were, it was extremely dysfunctional, and destructive... .no, don't want to "go backwards"... .ie' reconcile, the only way is for her to have a "come to Jesus moment"... .that ain't going to happen.

She needs to "get help"... .and we all read ALL the time that you never ever tell the BPD that they are "BPD" in a vain attempt to get them to "come around"... .

For me to "think" that if my uBPDw is diagnosed then she will finally get help and become a totally different person, maybe even the woman I fell in love with... .is extremely foolish.

No, she is not going to wake up in the morning, and realize whats happened, and call me up and say... .“Wow! you were right!... .I’m a blame shifting,  projecting,  entitled, emotionally disrupted, immature, psychologically damaged, sometimes violent... .unemphatic borderline hermit - witch, I understand now, what’s been the root of all our relationship and matrimonial troubles for all these years... .so I’ll call my doctor and get help now... .and we will finally get this marriage on the right track... .I love you honey!

"Now call that moving truck back... .I'm coming home", ."everything is going to be alright"... .

No, that's never going to happen.

What I read in that personnel performance response, .only confirmed what I think I know now... .that there is no hope, she has shown me whom she really is, .and it is that her and my Son (autistic) don't mix, and never will... .she hasn't got it in her (empathy sustained)... .my Son must be my priority here, and that is a very sad thing to comprehend, to come to grips with... ."finality"... .

I want her too, as well my Son (autistic) with me... .she is supposed to be here with me so I can take care of her (can-cer sage i-v)... .but she will only hurt my boy again at some point when she comes unglued yet again... .and sans any "therapy"... .that will happen again... .

"Till death do us part, in sickness and in health"... .that stabs me in the heart.

So I must make the choice, and stick to it... .we have to part ways... .for safety's sake, she can never be allowed, or enabled to lose her temper with my Son ever again.

Tough stuff ; (

So there it is... .

Red5

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Red5, When I first started dating my BPDxW, she let me know about a conflict she had at work with a colleague (her boss) at the private school where they worked.  The colleague, of course, was being unreasonable, according to BPDxW.  Needless to say, it was a red flag  yet I failed to see it.  Same thing for issue with her brother involving his college graduation.  I chalked it up to normal family differences and took her side in both cases, due to my own naiveté and eagerness to be a Knight in Shining Armor.  Little did I know how much I would need that armor when I married my BPDxW.

LJ

[2020]

Hi Red5,

Really sobering reading your words. I am sorry it came to this. You must be feeling pretty raw right now.

As you probably know, my partner and autistic son clashed all the time. He was clinging to me and I don't think she liked it. He would literally wait for me to leave the bedroom, walk down the hallway past his room and leap up and out to see me and hug me. She hated that. He just really loves me and needs me.

What I am facing right now is not good. My partner played out a final "I am going to lay down in the road and die" act and was taken to hospital by the police and ambulance. Two days after Christmas she fought with me, was very emotional and walked off. I have been searching for her since. The amputation is doing my head in. She is in contact with her sister who tells me she has had an appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday. Despite my emails to her, she has sent but one single detatched Haiku poem: "Hello -----, I am fine thank you. -------". No love nothing. What sort of  is that? It feels like torture what these pwBPD do. I seriously smell death in the air this time. Particularly with her recent comments/weapon of "other men find me attractive" threats. It makes my head spin.

Sorry for taking a  on your lawn here. I am reading your posts in anticipation of what may be heading my way. Tough times Red5... .very tough times! Be strong.

[Red5]

Little did I know how much I would need that armor when I married my BPDxW.

Ain’t that the truth LJ!

I would have to get one of those yellow legal pads to list all the times I could remember my uBPDw’s foo and career BPD’ism’s!

We are talking constant issues, incidents, and negativity.

I was in the US Marines for twenty six years... .and I don’t remember coming close to all the mayhem she was involved in through the two college positions she filled over the last eleven years I’ve known her, been married to her.

Yeah, lots of  ... .

Red5

[empath]

She needs to "get help" ... .and we all read ALL the time that you never ever tell the BPD that they are "BPD" in a vain attempt to get them to "come around" ... .

Does she have any mental health problems that she will acknowledge - or side effects of chemo maybe? I'm wondering if you can encourage seeking help for something that she is willing to admit. For example, my h says he has chronic depression and anxiety and an attachment disorder. We had a discussion today about the depression and anxiety symptoms that I was seeing and what he is doing to manage it.

[Tsultan]

Hey Red5!

I am glad that you were able to find some information that helped validate what you also suspect.  Sounds like it's helping you come to terms with what is. 

My exBPDbf used to tell me some of his former co-worker would say to him that he was difficult to get along with.  I'm kind of surprised he would share that with me but I always had that in the back of mind while I was trying to formulate what the heck was going on.

HP is giving you awareness in his perfect timing.  Sounds like it's helping you with acceptance.  That is a good thing. 

Tsultan