Recently broke up.. have to live together

[djimboi]

Hey all. I just need to vent and possibly get advice if there is any. I dated a girl with BPD recently for 2 years off and on. I should mention I myself have aspergers so it is further complicated. From the beginning it was obvious her BPD got in the way of us. One of the first signs I saw was her crying because I was not in the "mood". That was painful for me and took me a while to fully get over. Not long after that she cut herself and did not tell me directly, but told my friend whom she knew I was with at a concert. She said she felt betrayed because the band we saw was "our band", but she was across the country at the time with her mom and I have been into this band since way before I even met her. Anyway, things got better for a while, and we ended up getting our own place last August. That was great for several months but I quickly started feeling overwhelmed by how she would never clean, never helped with the animals despite some being hers and saying she would help, etc. I think over the year she helped with the animal a handful of times, and I constantly brought it up that i needed her help. It turned into a cycle of her turning suddenly loving towards me, then growing distant, and I know my own mental health got in the way at times. But since the summer I have improved myself a great deal and the schism between us became so apparent. She frequently complained about not being good enough for me, even though I didn't feel that way and just begged her to get into therapy. It was excuse after excuse and lots of empty promises. We broke up 3 times during the 2 years we were together until the last 4th time, two weeks ago. Problem now is we can't afford her to move. Her family won't take her in because of the same issues I had with her. I am finding myself growing more and more sick of seeing her. After we broke up she went off the deep end for a couple days , then suddenly she snapped the other way and started saying she was happy and she actually started hanging out with a bunch of friends. Friends she never hung out before. She would just sit at home while we ere together while I held my own life. But now she's constantly going in and out, and acting very nice towards me. A week ago I told her I didn't want her to wait for me because I was not going back. She snapped and said she didn't want that either, even though a few days before that she said she did. It's been incredibly confusing and painful to see her flip flop on me.
I forgot to mention why we broke up. She was having suicidal thoughts daily and her emotional outbursts and cold demeanor had burnt me out. Empathy burn out I think. I wasn't mean to her but I wasn't helpful either. I just kept asking her to call her therapist. I was her caretaker basically. One day she seemed particularly anxious and started a fight, and I told her that I was not engaging in that. She snapped and told me several times to leave. I said fine. Then she broke down and started accusing me of loving her conditionally, saying all these mean things for a few days, accused me of flaunting a new love in her face when I wasn't seeing that person like that.
At this point I am just not sure how to protect my own sanity. I feel really lonely and hurt because she suddenly doesn't care about me it seems. I had put so much effort into fixing our relationship but she was not getting the help she needed. And now she is acting as if I was what was bringing her down. I just don't know how to manage it before we can find her a new place, and we don't know how long that will be. Any advice or insight into this behavior would help so much.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  You have been dealing with a lot and it must be very hard still living together.  I am glad you found us though as many of us have been or are going through similar experiences. 

The good news is that things can get better.  The other good news is that we have some really cool people here who can support you as you navigate your way through this relationship.  I moved your thread to the Bettering a Relationship board because this is where you/we learn to use tools that improve our situation, whether we are staying in a relationship or not.   Keeping things even will be important as you continue to live together.

Is she still saying she wants to commit suicide?  I think recommending that she call her therapist is actually a good thing.  What you can also say is "I am sorry you are struggling.  This is something I am not trained to deal with but I will call an ambulance or give you a ride to the ER if you prefer not to call your therapist".  It is responsible, caring and puts the responsibility back on her where it belongs. 

Have you learned much about BPD?  Knowing the behaviors associated with the disorder can help in terms of depersonalizing the behaviors so we can respond rather than react.  We also have tools you can use in any situation but they will help you while still living with your ex.  Have you had a chance to look around?  I hope you do and that you read other threads and jump in and start posting.  It is very helpful to see other people are going through similar things and to watch them problem solve on the board.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi djimboi, welcome and ditto to everything Harri said!

I am in a similar situation, technically separated from my BPD wife but still forced to cohabit for the purposes of childcare. It can really rough I know, especially when the other person isn't committing to their end of the responsibilities.

But there are ways to navigate the situation. How is the space arranged, and what are your working schedules like?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[djimboi]

Thank you for the replies!

I do know a fair amount of the symptoms of BPD but I have never figured out a good way to respond to it. Right now she seems perfectly fine, like a different person all together, as far as I know no suicidal thoughts. I know it is not personal logically but it seemed not long after we broke up she got suddenly better, and that feels like I was the source.

Our apartment is... .incredibly tiny so we are still sleeping on the same bed but have worked out work schedules to be opposite at least, but she frequently calls in anyway.

Is it normal to feel depressed even though the relationship clearly was bad for Me?

[Harri]

Hi again.

Is it normal to feel depressed even though the relationship clearly was bad for Me?

It is a common reaction to a stressful event that includes a loss of some sort.  So yes, in that sense it is normal.    Like with anything the grief will take time to get through.

I know it is not personal logically but it seemed not long after we broke up she got suddenly better, and that feels like I was the source.

It could be that with the break up and the lessening of intimacy (I don't man just sex) she is less afraid and reactive.  pwBPD (people with BPD) have trouble with regulating their behaviors around those they feel closest to. 

So everything is fine now?  That is good actually.  I will be easier to learn the tools we use here when things are calmer and you are not in the middle of a crisis.  This video might be helpful:  A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict  

We have a lot of information here and it is hard to figure out what will best help in your situation.  What were some of the other things you struggled with in the relationship?  Do you anticipate any of them being an issue now that you are broken up?

[djimboi]

It's a bit hard to word for me. I think mostly I do not trust that she is doing so well and am afraid of the cycle that happened in our relationship to replay. There was always a big fight that broke us up, her making a lot of promises and begging, and me thinking something would be different this time. I didn't cave when she pleading and she is suddenly a calm, happy person. I know it's good that things aren't upheavaled technically but I am just a bit confused by her behavioral patterns

[Radcliff]

I am just a bit confused by her behavioral patterns

For someone on the spectrum, BPD behaviors can seem random and mysterious -- very frustrating.  But you nailed it when you said "patterns."  There are patterns that we can learn that help us respond more effectively.  Observe and look for patterns.  You may be able to spot patterns better than a neurotypical person.  If we can learn effective responses to match each pattern, and develop habits, things get better.

One key pattern is an angry response by our pwBPD to feeling invalidated.  Take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating.  After reading that page, can you think of times when she might have perceived your actions and words to be invalidating?  Mastering this concept can give us a major improvement in the climate with our pwBPD.

RC

[djimboi]

Yes definitely, we had many talks about how what I said felt invalidating to her and I tried to accommodate as much as I could, but I'm sure I slipped. Towards the end though she was mostly pushing me away and saying that I was too good for her, especially after I made a lot of adjustments to my communication towards her. Ie. Being more direct and less emotional in conversations

[Radcliff]

Her cyclical behavior is not likely something that you'll be able to change, but you can learn to avoid making things worse, and to make them better.  You can only control your half of the relationship, though.  That's good to hear that you got some improvements from understanding the perils of invalidation.  Have you made efforts or had any success in validating her feelings?  This can be a challenge for a logical person, because she may be coming at you with all manner of illogical statements, including made up facts to match her emotions.  It takes a lot of effort to not react to the unfair accusations, but instead to identify her underlying feelings (for example, not feeling secure, or not feeling supported) and validate them (feelings are always valid; they are real to the person who feels them, even if we may not agree with the facts).  Does this make sense?

RC