MBPD mom is dying and BPD sister is raging

[Marcie]

My mom has cancer, my BPD sister is hyper extending herself to take care of her and raging at the rest of the family. She cut me out of her life 1 year ago because I was not being a “Good enough” sister. She is not angry at me saying that I walked out on the relationship when she is the one asking for no contact. I am going through a really hard time. On top of all of it, I just started a new job as well. Any recommendations for practicing self care during this difficult time?

[Harri]

Hi Marcie.  I am so sorry to hear about your mom and that you sister is making such a hard time even more difficult and stressful.

For self care I think reminding yourself that you have the right to have boundaries to say no to abuse and to remember that your sister is who she is.  Her re-writing of history is about her, not you.  She is disordered and can not regulate her emotions herself so she will change facts to suit her mood.  Feelings=facts so if she feels abandoned she will say you abandoned her.

Stand firm in what you know to be true and remind yourself of what you know about this disorder.

Post here and talk like you did.  Support from people who get it will help a lot. 

[Timba2]

I went through a similar situation not too long ago in my family. My mom is a rage-aholic and anytime any one - like even super distant relatives - are remotely ill - she loses her stuff.
I have found that having firm boundaries and sticking to them kept me sane. If she showed up at the hospital raging - other family members would escort her out. I looped nurses in to buffer too because she wouldn't be as raging with them. Nothing would soothe her so we ultimately just had to try and avoid her. We didn't get roused when she went to a 10 - and just never took responsibility for her emotions- but it was stressful as heck regardless. Sometimes there is only so much you can do when you have to be around her - but mentally separating from her as much as you can will be helpful. This is hard - but it's not your job to regulate your sister.
If you can get a hospital social worker or nurse to assist you with buffering that may be helpful too. If she is not in a hospital- I would do your best to avoid being around your sister for your own sanity. If it's impossible - perhaps get other family members she listens to - to assist.
I would also take breaks if you can't separate yourself - go for a walk - call a friend - write on here. Something that lets you get rid of some of the stress you're holding in.

[JNChell]

Hi, Marcie. I’m very sorry to read about your mother. My mom passed away due to cancer in 2010. I understand the stress and uncertainty. There’s really not a proper way to prepare for the uncertain. Your BPD sister is causing havoc during a time that should be bringing the family closer together to honor and care for your mother. You mentioned other family members. Are you all able to lean on each other for support amidst your sister’s abuses?

As for self care, as has already been stated, boundaries are important. Especially at such a fragile time. If you and your family members are aligned in support, it might not hurt to clue them in on boundaries as well. Just remember to take care of yourself first. Also, do things that comfort you. Pamper yourself when you’re able to. Your stress levels are high so try to find ways to decompress during your down time. Anything come to mind? We’re looking forward to hearing back from you. In the meantime, hang in there and take care of yourself.

[Turkish]

What feelings or emotions are giving you a hard time.  It might hurl to nail this down.  Are you cut off from your mom as well or do you have contact?

I'm admittedly lousy at self care.  Do you have any thoughts of afar that is or how it might apply to you? It might help to ask yourself what do I need?

[Marcie]

So my mom passed away on 12/12 so I am sorry I haven’t responded. My sister (non-BPD) and I made all the funeral arrangements and did it while walking on eggshells around BPD sister and being super kind to her. We made it through the funeral without any drama. I have 17 year old brother and wanted to get together for him for Xmas. So today I will be around BPD sister again. I am at the gym. Is. Trying to take care of myself. Thank you for all the tips and responses. I very much appreciate it. I am so thankful for all of you and this board.

[Marcie]

Turkish the part that was the hardest while she was sick is that my sister was around my mom all the time and she was withholding information about her health and doctor updates. Because she is no contact with me. But I survived. I had to just let it go. Let go of control and know either way I could not save my mom.

[JNChell]

I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. First things first, how are you?

Have you and your brother discussed things about your sister with BPD? Can you lean on each other through this?

[Harri]

Hi Marcie.

I am so sorry to hear of your mothers passing. 

Harri

[Marcie]

My little brothers relationship is fragmented due to me, being not contact with my mom for approx five years. I am focusing on repairing that now.

[Kwamina]

Hi Marcie,

I am very sorry you lost your mom  You were already dealing with a lot and losing a parent is often very tough.

I am glad you also do have your non-BPD sister as you try to mourn this loss. How is your non-BPD sister coping?

It's sad how the situation with your BPD sister so affected the family dynamics. Were you able to spend some time with your little brother as you had wanted to do?

Take care as you mourn this loss

The Board Parrot

[JNChell]

Marcie., it’s great that you are able and willing to work on a relationship with your brother. After my parents died , my sis and I got close. We shared tears and settled the estate. We bonded. Most of that bonding was done through What the heck moments. We both lived far away and to fly monthly to handle things. It was stressful and lasted for a couple years. I have no desire to ever board a plane again.

Did your brother and mom have a certain bond?

[Marcie]

My brother is a teenager and yes they were pretty close
 My non BPD sister and I identify a lot.