Still trying to handle having a borderline mother at 23

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

I just came across this site and figured I’d try and make a post. My mom has BPD, and when my parents separated (I was 6 at the time) my mom’s life just kind of fell apart. I’m always saying how I became her mother, and it was like it was my job to keep her from falling into a pit of depression (this stuff makes sense since I found out about her diagnosis). She had half custody but in the end I just went to her house on fridays and every other full weekend because I needed the structure of my dad’s house. I’m a psych senior in college and understand the disorder pretty well, and I understand my mom’s behavior and am not angry or upset with her, but she is difficult to deal with so I rarely speak to her.

My therapist says I have PTSD related to growing up with her, especially as a part-time single mom. Does anyone else here deal with this? I feel like my situation was not very extreme, and while my mom was verbally abusive... .I can’t help but compare mine to others’ situations, and I feel guilty for being so affected by it. I don’t even understand my triggers or reactions, and I don’t really know how to. I dated a girl a few years ago that had BPD, and I didn’t think it would be a major issue, but (this is when we discovered the PTSD) I went through a long period of dissociation/psychosis. Since then I’ve experienced some more serious dissociation (I have depersonalization/desensitization issues normally, and have for a long time, but nothing more severe until this relationship) and I’m just not sure how to tackle it. My PSTD symptoms stem from years of more minor, chronic trauma than most of the cases I know of, and identifying patterns and triggers has been really tricky (especially since I also have slight PTSD related to... .a couple specific situations which have happened in early adulthood). If anyone has any advice about this subject, I’d appreciate it immensely.

Last one, I promise - this has been a big one for me for many years now. I don’t know how to handle the fact that I don’t really have a mother, and never will. I latch on to these older women in my life (usually teachers), assumedly because I’m trying to find a mother figure. I’m in a predicament when this happens with teachers, because they change all the time haha. I’ve even found websites for “creating family members” online before though I’ve never used them (it feels super weird and isn’t really the solution I want anyway). I feel so stuck, because my life and relationships are affected by my past experiences and I don’t know what to do about it, I don’t know how to fix it.

Thanks for listening, and an extra thanks in advance for trying to help me out (assuming anyone responds!)

Edited for typos

[Homesick Alien]

Hello all,

I just came across this site and figured I’d try and make a post. My mom has BPD, and when my parents separated (I was 6 at the time) my mom’s life just kind of fell apart. I’m always saying how I became her mother, and it was like it was my job to keep her from falling into a pit of depression (this stuff makes sense since I found out about her diagnosis). She had half custody but in the end I just went to her house on fridays and every other full weekend because I needed the structure of my dad’s house. I’m a psych senior in college and understand the disorder pretty well, and I understand my mom’s behavior and am not angry or upset with her, but she is difficult to deal with so I rarely speak to her.

My therapist says I have PTSD related to growing up with her, especially as a part-time single mom. Does anyone else here deal with this? I feel like my situation was not very extreme, and while my mom was verbally abusive... .I can’t help but compare mine to others’ situations, and I feel guilty for being so affected by it. I don’t even understand my triggers or reactions, and I don’t really know how to. I dated a girl a few years ago that had BPD, and I didn’t think it would be a major issue, but (this is when we discovered the PTSD) I went through a long period of dissociation/psychosis. Since then I’ve experienced some more serious dissociation (I have depersonalization/desensitization issues normally, and have for a long time, but nothing more severe until this relationship) and I’m just not sure how to tackle it. My PSTD symptoms stem from years of more minor, chronic trauma than most of the cases I know of, and identifying patterns and triggers has been really tricky (especially since I also have slight PTSD related to... .a couple specific situations which have happened in early adulthood). If anyone has any advice about this subject, I’d appreciate it immensely.

Last one, I promise - this has been a big one for me for many years now. I don’t know how to handle the fact that I don’t really have a mother, and never will. I latch on to these older women in my life (usually teachers), assumedly because I’m trying to find a mother figure. I’m in a predicament when this happens with teachers, because they change all the time haha. I’ve even found websites for “creating family members” online before though I’ve never used them (it feels super weird and isn’t really the solution I want anyway). I feel so stuck, because my life and relationships are affected by my past experiences and I don’t know what to do about it, I don’t know how to fix it.

Thanks for listening, and an extra thanks in advance for trying to help me out (assuming anyone responds!)

Edited for typos

[Panda39]

Hi HomesickAlien,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share two daughters.

At the time their parents separated they were D11 & D15, they are now D18 & D22.

The older D22 was parentified by her mother once her parents divorced, that sounds like what you are describing too.  In D22's case she became her mother's emotional caretaker, and in some cases physical caretaker cooking, cleaning, taking care of her younger sister.

An article about emotional incest (this included parentification)... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

The younger D18 had a crisis at 13 and made suicide threats, she went into an inpatient psych facility and was diagnosed with PTSD... .so you are not alone in this either.  This was in part due to her mothers inconsistent parenting, emotional abuse, and sometimes neglect.

Due to some horrific things their mother did back in 2015, both girls voted with their feet and moved in with their dad full-time.  D22 has been no contact with her mother since then and D18 is low contact texts/phone and the occasional lunch/coffee which unfortunately often don't go well. 

I'm sure they could both relate to your sadness around not having the mother you want and need(ed).  It will likely take time to grieve this loss, it is like a death but made all the more complicated because the person hasn't died and is still here.  I would suggest trying to get to a place of radical acceptance... .your mom is who she is and accept that.  Accept that she won't be someone else, or behave in a way that isn't her etc.  Once you can accept her as she is, then you can create a relationship with her (or not) around her limitations. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with creating a family of your own choosing.  Having relationships with those people in your life that care for and support you is a good thing.

I know other members (children of BPD Parents) will be a long with more information and support, you are not alone, you have much in common with my SO's daughters and you have mentioned things that I know will resonate with other members.  I'm glad you decided to jump in and post, you've landed in a great place for support, information, tools and just a place to vent when you need to.

What is your relationship with your mom like currently?

Take Care,
Panda39

[Homesick Alien]

Thank you for the response! Parentified definitely sounds like a good term, and I’ll check out that link. Currently, I see my mom once every couple months and at Christmas, but most recently it was pretty much her talking the whole time and not hearing anything I say, alongside telling me I look like I’ve gained weight (which I’ve actually been trying really hard to do since I was unhealthily underweight) and needed to wash my hair, which is pretty much the norm for her. She texts me pretty often but I rarely respond because when I do she comes back with 5-10 messages all in a row, and when I let her come visit she calls me multiple times on her way here and home and then again a couple times after she’s gotten home. It’s just all a nightmare, so I avoid it.

As far as grieving a loss goes, it doesn’t really feel like I ever had it to begin with. I know she’s not going to change, and honestly at this point I don’t know that it would even change anything if we did. The only reason I really try and keep a connection with her is that I feel guilty if I don’t. I want a mother, but I certainly don’t want her as my mother, if that makes sense. I’m just a bit bent out of shape about my childhood, and while I’m not exactly resentful or angry it feels unfair and I’m still missing something (on top of the fact I seriously struggle in relationships which likely has to do with childhood attachment style)

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you posted.

You definitely are not alone in what you describe including the diagnosis of PTSD.  So if there are any questions you have, o ahead and ask.  Several of us on this board also struggle with thoughts like 'it wasn't as bad as other cases' but the fact is it is all bad, unhealthy, whatever you want to call it.  It all has an effect on us.

I want a mother, but I certainly don’t want her as my mother, if that makes sense

a lot of us say this too.  I am not saying that to minimize your feelings, I just want you to know a lot of us can relate and it is a common feeling to have after a childhood of abuse and/or neglect. 

I hope you settle in, read and jump into other threads too.  You can get a lot out of posting here and it works best when you jump in. 

Hope to hear more from you soon.