My DD25 exaggerates and sometimes feigns illness

[Only Human]

Hi Family!

Since my DD moved in almost a year ago, there have been at least three instances of what I believe are feigned or exaggerated illnesses.

Within a couple of weeks of moving in, she threw up on the living room floor, then spent a long time in the bathroom continuing to throw up. When she threw up on the floor, I could see that she had vomit on her hand and it seemed to me that she put her finger down her throat. She's struggled in the past with an eating disorder and at that time I thought she was faking being sick to cover up bulimia.

Shortly after I reported her abuse of GS to CPS, she threw up in her bed and on the couch and shortly after, her BF arrived with a care package of soup, ginger ale, jello, etc.

Yesterday, she claimed she was in agonizing pain due to a UTI and was doubled over on the toilet crying, but there were no tears. When I asked what she wanted to do, she wailed, "I don't know mom! I just want the pain to stah-ah-ahp." I was working from home so I was relieved that she didn't want me to take her to the ER. After setting her up with a pillowcase full of microwaved kidney beans and a tall glass of ice-water, I told her I hoped she felt better soon and to let me know if she needed anything from me. She seemed to improve as the day went on but this morning she asked me to take her to the ER. I did and she got some antibiotics.  

I believe she is faking/exaggerating to get some caretaking from me, or BF, so that she has hard evidence that we care about her, and maybe also so that she can get a break from GS without having to ask for it, when she's dealing with strong emotions.

A week or so ago, GS4.5's bio-dad, who hasn't seen him since he was about a month old, got in touch and asked for visitation rights. There is no custody order, the divorce papers have been filed but not finalized, and she told me she's scared of what will happen. Yesterday, before the UTI incident, she and her BF fought on the way to the store, she walked home, and her BF reneged on taking her to the courthouse to get information on the necessary steps to finalize the divorce and to request an ex-parte custody order.

Yep, she's got some stuff on her plate alright. As for me, I'm again struck by the fact that I'm not obsessing over this, or taking control of getting the divorce finalized. She'll figure it out and she'll ask me for help if she needs it.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[stampingt1]

Only Human,

This is a tough one. It's so hard to know whether the illnesses are real &/or exaggerated. It's good to that you are able to sit back & help when needed.

Don't forget to practice self-care!

ST1

[FaithHopeLove]

That must be rough OH. I sense you are probably right about this being a call for attention and a need to feel loved as well as a break from caring for a small child. I wonder if there are other ways of helping her feel loved that don't require feigning illness. Great job detaching with love! You are right. You don't need to fix her problems. From what I have heard you say about her DD is capable of sorting this out on her own. PS I am stealing your microwave beans and pillow case trick.

[Only Human]

Thanks for the reminder about self-care, stampingt1. I do find that when I'm not taking very good care of myself, I struggle more with DD's behavior. Today I will clean my room, which might not sound like self-care but it always makes me feel better.

Faith, I thought the same thing as you - is there a way for her to feel loved and cared for without having to resort to faking illnesses? I think I've been slacking on validating her so I'll keep that in mind today, tomorrow, one day at a time.

The microwave beans and pillowcase trick works better than I thought it would!

~ OH