Forgiveness

[sunny days]

Hi, I recently had a bad fight with my husband who has been diagnosed with BPD. As is our pattern I eventually move on with my life and try not to think about it too much. We are happy and peaceful together until the next eruption. I'm learning invaluable insights on this site and am so thankful I found it, but the abuse he dishes out in a moment dysregulation is getting harder for me to accept or forgive. He can be unbelievable cruel
and I'm finding it harder to respect myself for staying with him. I've stopped talking to some of my girlfriends because I feel they are judging me. I'm learning to detach and not take personally what he says or does from what I have read here but it still hurts. If anyone can give me some feedback on this topic I would greatly appreciate it. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

I've stopped talking to some of my girlfriends because I feel they are judging me

I'm sure they mean well, looking out for you.

Try to keep the relationship with them positive as well, if you know you can handle your H set some boundaries with your friends about how you want the relationship with them to be.

Having someone to rely on is invaluable. They too can get burnt out when they see they're "not getting through to you", as in, get you to give up the relationship. Its a "what did he do this time... " for them moment and I guess you're noticing it as judging.

I'm finding it harder to respect myself for staying with him

Figuring out why you feel this way is a good first step. Staying in a relationship is not bad in itself, but if you feel bad about it there's probably a reason deep down.

Search what is it about staying firm in your decision to stay is colliding with your values that you feel like you're not living up to them, losing respect for yourself.

Others can provide some insight as well so feel free to share and ask questions, often all it takes is a change in perspective to start moving in the right direction.

 

[Sandb2015]

If you are staying in the marriage because you do value it, see the value and can make it through the tough times, that will not be understood by anyone but you and your spouse. 

Even friends that really love you and care won’t be accepting because they aren’t you.

Good friends are good friends even if they don’t approve, don’t look for approval.

[Ozzie101]

Hi sunny days!

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your friends. It can be very difficult for someone who is not in this type of relationship to understand what it's really like to be in love with a pwBPD. It's also very difficult for a person to hear stories of cruelty or abuse towards a loved one and not turn against the perpetrator (or go into "Why do you stay and put up with that?" mode). It comes from a place of love, usually, but it's not necessarily helpful.

I see a domestic violence counselor and one thing she told me was that I should choose one or two friends or family members to keep "in the know." Those people should be trustworthy, should love and care for me unconditionally and should be non-judgmental (meaning, they should be the type who won't tell me what I should do or how I should respond to things). To everyone else, everything is fine and hunky-dory. Do you have a friend or family member like that? Having a support network is very, very important. But some people can be more of a hindrance than a help.

I agree with itsmeSnap regarding your staying with him and your self respect. It sounds like you're experiencing conflicting values there and it's worth exploring.

You used the word "abuse," which pinged my  radar. Can you give some specific examples of the abuse he dishes out? Having concrete examples would help us understand your situation and what you're dealing with a little better. When he dysregulates, my H is verbally, emotionally, financially and (by some definitions) physically abusive. Members here have been very supportive and encouraging to me in knowing how to handle those situations. We'd like to be able to help you in the same way.

[sunny days]

I want to thank everyone for their feedback. It all rings very true and its good to know I'm in the right place. I'm starting with a new counselor on Friday and I have been told  she specializes in abuse. I also go to 12 step meetings and do have a safe person to talk too. I'm finding out that not everyone is going to try to understand. My good friend said something as dismissive as "what we go through for a man." This hurt because I have listened to her about her children that are addicts that she has no intention of giving up on. I am learning a great deal about my own low self esteem issues and co dependency.
Also I can see were I have thrown gasoline on the fire and will be making healthier choices when a crisis hits. The lack of self respect I spoke of pertains to the terrible things he shouts at me when in a rage. He also grabbed my upper arms and pushed me backwards. I consider myself a feminist and believe in equality in all manners. He does too when he is Dr. Jeckall.  This invalidates my core values and I'm afraid that the disconnect is hurting me terribly. Thanks again for your wonderful feedback. I'm growing and getting stronger.