So much is going on

[Pugman]

Hi there! I’ve posted here 2 or 3 times over the last 10 years of my marriage. And I must say how impressed I am with the leaps that have been made in the whole BPD world... .and this site has been a great source of so much valuable information.

Tonight however, I just need to clear my head. My wife is undiagnosed. She has been diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and depression. However the only one she actually accepts is PTSD. She started seeking help before meeting me, to try and sleep. She was told she has PTSD because of a past abusive marriage, prescribed ambien, and went to therapy off and on for about a year as far as I can tell. When we met, she was at a dead end job, but she had dreams and was going after them. Before we married, she got her “dream job” as a flight attendant, and we almost didn’t marry because she says she broke up with me... .though if we did, I wasn’t there for it (I didn’t know we’d broken up and called off our engagement until after we were married though). So we did end up married, but about a week before, she said that she felt like we couldn’t start the life and family we want if she’s always traveling (6 months after starting her job). So she quit.  I told her that I loved her and would support her in whatever pursuits she wanted.
There were red flags. Early bursts of rage, splitting, and more... .with me and with her other friend/family relationships. If I ever tried to provide a different point of view against her, I was the devil. I’d met with a therapist, and then did about 4 sessions of couples therapy with 4 different therapists. I met with more therapists alone... .though now I was doing it in secret. Most concluded it was some sort of BPD or NPD. I read about 4 books on DBT, and BPD. And found this site. I was able to learn enough about myself, my weaknesses, my insecurities, my strengths, that I felt like I could make this work.
So... .now 10 years in, still no children, which she only has one functioning kidney, so I support her decision to not want to damage it, though most doctors say it should be ok... it’s her body. But I am grateful that we don’t have children, with some of the antics we’ve gone through. Early on in my grasping for sanity, I’d reached out to friends, family and therapists for help. She found out, and I’ve spent about 8 years being reminded that I am a liar. She hit a depressive episode, and gained about 50lbs... .she was waiting to see if I’d screw up again. She hasn’t worked a day since she stopped flying. She has what I call mini bipolar episodes... .she’ll be manic and run like a madman for 96 hours straight with no sleep, then crash for 2 weeks, then it starts again. All of it aligning with a terrible medication rotation that includes Prozac, celexa, ambien, adderall, trazadone, klonopin and Xanax. With a few others sprinkled in for good measure. Her doctor knows she’s a mess, but he has some pretty extreme social awkwardness himself, and I don’t think he knows what to do with her. She has this year, cut off all ties to her family because they “disowned” her and won’t talk to her, though I know her mom tries. I have learned of some strong childhood factors that I can see a lot of her disease stemming from... .mostly from a very distant father. He loves her, but that’s not something you say or show. And he did some pretty messed up things like watching silence of the lambs with his 7 year old daughter at night, then just shutting off the tv and going to bed without saying a word. But now she “has” to cut them out because they are holding her back from greatness. And depending on the day, I am too.  They don’t care about mindfulness, validating, or anything close to it... .her whole family only knows “tough love”. They don’t know why I stick around.
I am a very, very patient person. I also try and be as grounded as I can be. Normally when she rages, the hardest part for me is to not laugh. Because I do know she loves me. I feel so deeply sorry for her burden and her struggle, and I know she doesn’t even think she has one. She has no family,  no friends, no job. My “strategy” early on was that if I could take away all of her excuses for feeling bad... .money, work, others, etc. then she’d have to come around to realizing that wherever she went, there were her problems and feelings. We’ve moved 7 times in 10 years... .with my very poor validation skills, it turned out all of those moves were because of me... .even though when we got married, I already owned the home and was planning to be there for at least 10 more years.
 But I adapted, I tried to love, and I’ve tried to use the skills that are taught. Still sometimes, things are just hard. I try and remind myself that this probably will be the rest of my life... .and I’m ok with that... .usually. I know treatments are improving, but you can’t treat someone that doesn’t think she has any problems. In fact more frequently now, she really thinks the whole world is wrong, and is showing more and more narcissistic behavior. She doesn’t self harm... .besides the meds. She has made one really flimsy suicide attempt, that was a strong emotional response where she tried to strangle herself with a necktie, that she was holding in her hand. I should’ve called the authorities then.
Nowadays, if her verbal abuse gets too out of hand, I just leave and let her cool down. But I just broke my leg last week, and the verbal is getting pushed to physical. I’m a very big guy, 6’4” 230lbs. She’s 5’5” and about 155lbs. She knows she doesn’t have much she can do, and I never, ever touch her back. She is starting to tell me that random cuts are because I did things to her, which is starting to make me nervous. I’ve recorded hours of audio and video of her rants, and taken pics of scratches she’s given me... .it’s like a switch turns on... .her eyes change. Anyway, I’ve never had the balls to call 911. I worry that they might pin things on me. I worry more about what it will do to my relationship that I really love 70% of the time. She called them on me once for not leaving the house, but because she “never lies” she told them I hadn’t touched her. They did think that she was just worked up and said we should sleep in different parts of the house.
Recently though, things have just gotten out of hand. Her rage lasts longer, and I am very limited in my mobility. But I don’t feel in danger or afraid. She’s threatened divorce at least 2-3 times a month for 10 years, normally I leave until she cools off... 3 days has been the longest. Now she just leaves without talking, until she calls and tells me that I’m satans spawn, and that I “have” to be kinder, or smile more, or I’ll never see her again. Which I agree to do, she comes home, and either falls asleep fast, or she is still angry and just wants to tear into me... .and I try to validate and not laugh at the silly and crazy delusions.
Tonight for whatever reason, I really have just felt tired. Maybe it’s my broken leg, maybe not. But for the first time, I just didn’t care if she came back or not. It made it very difficult to try and be empathetic. But I really don’t want to lose her. Posting this has already helped, but if anyone is brave enough to make it through this dissertation, and has any words of wisdom to share, I’m all ears. I sincerely want to help my wife find some peace. I see her disease destroying her sanity, just like cancer destroys a body, and I know that her soul is so loving, and so beautiful. Thanks so much for reading, and if there’s any ideas on how I can be better myself, or help her to seek help, they’d be greatly appreciated!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RedArt]

I know you are suffering!  It's so hard to watch your love go through all of this.  And I know you feel isolated.  Are you hanging out with friends?  Do you have family?  (Sometimes I feel like my family and friends get so tired of hearing about my life)  What would she do if she actually left you for good?  Does that worry you to think about what would happen to her.  (This really makes me try harder, but I know that I can't do force him to be healthy)
Does she ever talk about trying to work.  I know that having a place to go and a feeling of accomplishment really helps.

[Pugman]

Hi, thanks for responding. I get a lot of social interaction with my work, which has been prohibitive with my broken leg. But my family has been a really great resource for me. I think that makes it harder on her as well since she doesn’t even talk to her family. Then add the holidays into the mix, and she has been having some extreme emotions.
I don’t think she knows what she’d do if she left, but she does constantly say that the only reason I’ve been able to accomplish anything is because of her. And that she would be way more successful than me, and she wishes she could show me. But she can’t do it married to me. Realistically, I think she’s fall apart right now. I do worry about it, and I know her family would welcome her with open arms... .though they’d put her in a very unloving environment. She’d be safe though. She talks about wanting to work, but she just won’t commit to anything. It is sad and frustrating. It’s scary and heart breaking. The thing I think is really getting to me right now is that I am not feeling as empathetic as normal. I’m just getting irritated!

[Yellowpearl]

Hey there!

With being deeply involved with a BPD, we have to undergo so much, often sacrifice our own needs a lot of the time, help support them through their stresses while trying to comfort our own selves. It's exhausting work! That sometimes we run out of empathy ourselves!

I've been feeling the same way. Right now we aren't speaking, he went silent. Sometimes I just want to be like "are you seriously doing the same thing to me again? what the heck is going on with you?" or just stay mad at him and never bother with him again.

I know to make this sort of relationship ever work or continue to be a possibility, I have to be empathetic but it's tiring and if i'm not too careful, I can end up feeling pressured myself to say the right things or worry about giving enough space or not, and all this other stuff.  

But i'm realizing, we become wired to hold back ourselves in some ways, because of their rages, abandonment fears etc and we want so much for them to get better. I just encourage you to keep being true to yourself while using these tools, also be you!

I understand how it must be hard, with her having no contact with family or any friends during the holidays herself. I'm glad to hear that you have support and resources on your end. Definitely keep up with those. I made the mistake in going into isolation during chaos and it only made things worse.

When she becomes dysregulated is when she talks about leaving or leaves for a few days and comes back. It sounds like you are doing well and the best you can by not reacting to this much and letting her cool off. That's true, she may not know what to do if she left it's just talk she likely engages in that she may feel in the moment helps her manage her emotions or make herself feel stronger as a person. I also know how hard it is that she struggles sticking with a job too and finding one she can commit too. It just gets too much sometimes. I hope that she will be able to find something.

This is a lot to handle. I can imagine your broken leg adding stress to the mix. I'm sorry to hear that as well. Just to make sure I'm clear on understanding, she just isn't getting better and she isn't happy and you are losing your patience? Are there any steps you considered to take as this is all going on that might be helpful? Anything you're doing that is kind of helping already but you are unsure about?

[Pugman]

Thank you for your insights and wisdom. It really is a crazy life we deal with! We actually had a really good Christmas Eve. She came to an annual Christmas party that my family has every year... .it’s the first time she has gone to a family event of mine in 6 years. My family was really good, they all made her feel important and welcome, and it was very easy to see. However when we left, she went silent. Suffice to say, we didn’t sleep that night at all. After trying to get her to open up, she said I was a complete jerk the whole night, because I’m so spoiled by my family. And that I ignored her completely. Which I know isn’t true, because I catered to her as much as I could on crutches. It’s really funny because my strategy has always been to eliminate all of the excuses she could possibly have, so she could see that she is at the root of her unhappiness. Unfortunately, as you probably know... .there are always more excuses... .so much so that now when she is feeling hurt and down, it’s just my “aura” that ruins everything for her. We made it through a decent Christmas Day, but once again now I’m getting the cold shoulder. And she’s telling me that she can’t be with me any more. I am beginning to feel a little more patient and loving... .with lots of prayer and meditation! But really, the only tools I am really trying to use are validating her feelings, and keeping my emotions in check.

[Yellowpearl]

It really is a crazy life we deal with!

So, so true!

And she’s telling me that she can’t be with me any more. I am beginning to feel a little more patient and loving... .with lots of prayer and meditation! But really, the only tools I am really trying to use are validating her feelings, and keeping my emotions in check.

Has she ever said anything like this before or this the first time? I get what you mean. At a certain point, while getting used to and seeing the same behaviors as they cycle through and through, we develop our empathy and become more patient. Have you thought of any tools you may use to validate her feelings?

[Pugman]

She’s been threatening divorce from about 6 months after we got married until now... .9 years later. She threatens it at least once a month, and usually multiple times each week! There has been many times when I actually thought it would happen, and I still think she may follow through sometimes. But I try to let her know that I won’t abandon her, that I accept her as she is, and don’t have any expectations or judgements... .we are all flawed. She can find offense in anything though. Anything from judging her on how she locks the car, to how she fast forwards a video. I could say nothing, and she will project her own insecurity about how she does something, and twist it into... .” if you’re going to be a jerk about how I do things, then I am divorcing you! And you better be ready for me to destroy your life when I do!” Sometimes I really almost laugh. But I try to get her to even describe her feelings, and she just gets angry. So I have to guess a little at validating... .as I try to validate her feelings, but not necessarily her behaviors. I have let myself get sort of nasty some times, not very proud moments. I just try and remind myself that it’s not really her saying certain things, or behaving that way... .I can see the change in her eyes. It’s definitely a very awkward dance on eggshells. I also sometimes try and remind myself that it doesn’t really matter what I say or do in most situations, because she will find fault with all of it. It does wear me down though. And I think being isolated with her for the last 4 weeks with my broken leg has also been difficult. I am getting better though, and we are still working on it.