Looking for advice or help

[Brianlost]

I’m not sure that my wife has BPD, but it sounds like she may. I am continually getting more and more frustrated with her, and if not for our two kids , I would have already left. She obsesses about nearly anything. She has such hate and anger towards anyone that she perceives as wronged her, that there is zero chance for forgiveness. Her hate continues to fester and grow even if she has been shown that she is in the wrong. Over the course of 2 months I might do 10 bad things and 100’s of good things. When she is ready to unleash on me, she will throw those 10 things at me and completely ignore everything good. I swear she remembers every single thing I have done wrong going back 10 years. There is so much more I could write about, but I need a place to start.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello, Brianlost! Welcome!

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and, unfortunately, it's not unfamiliar to me or (I'm sure) to many other members here. My husband (undiagnosed) gets very angry at people and can hold grudges for years over the tiniest, perceived slight. I swear he also keeps a mental tally of any mistake I make and brings them all out when he's dysregulating.

Could you share a specific example or two of an incident? That may help us get a better idea of what's happening and what tools might be helpful.

One phrase you used jumped out at me: "even if she has been shown that she is in the wrong." People with BPD generally don't respond well to being "proven wrong." For them, facts=feelings. If they feel something, it must be true. My husband will twist facts every which way so they'll fit what he feels must be true. Calling them on this rarely helps and, in my case, tends to just make him more defensive and upset. Validating feelings without validating the invalid is a very tricky skill (one I still struggle with) that can be very useful.

It's bewildering and frustrating for a rational person to deal with, I know. I'm frequently baffled. But by starting to learn how the BPD mind works, a lot becomes more clear.

[Harri]

Hi    Let me join Ozzie in saying welcome to the board!  I am glad you reached out for help and posted.  You have landed in a place where people get it and have experienced similar things.  You are not alone.

A lot of our members have a BPD loved one who is not diagnosed.  We refer to them as uBPD.  Some would not qualify for a diagnosis but might have traits that can make relationships quite challenging.  The good news is that some relationships can be improved through the use of tools and changing how you interact and respond to your wife.   I don't mean that you are doing anything wrong, it is just that people with BPD or BPD traits often interpret things in ways we do not mean.  The point about validation that Ozzie brought up is a good one.  Often what we instinctively say is invalidating to a pwBPD (person with BPD).  Their rains are wired differently and they can interpret things in ways we do not intend. 

Anyway, I hope you share more so we can better guide you and support you as you navigate your way through your relationship.