Boundary re-negotiated...I'm apprehensive

[Huat]

About a year ago we decided it was time to cut off ties with our daughter until she agreed to joint counselling.   Her anger and verbal abuse had escalated to the point where we saw red flags.  Even the counsellor we spoke to warned that verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse.

We are in our mid/late 70's and while over the past 40 years our daughter has gone to many counsellors, she has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD but it has been suggested to us. 

We have lived through much drama as we supported her through relationship break-ups, custody battles with our grandchildren's different fathers, money problems.  The list could go on and on.

As I have written before, I (her Mom) could be her heroine one minute, her nemesis the next.  In her eyes, her father (my husband of 56 years) walks on water.  With that said, it is me she has come to when the chips were down.  I, in turn, relayed that information onto my husband who would go along with whatever I felt was necessary to do for her.

We have now had n/c for almost a year (other periods have been much longer).  This has been the first and only time in all the many, many times connection has been severed that it was us who instigated it.  After her last blow-up at me for refusing to hand over more money, I told her that the next time we meet has to be in a counsellor's office so that all of us could find tools to help in our relationship.  This immediately set off a fire-storm in her which included writing a 14-page (typed!) letter to her father about... .me.  She contacted family members with "her story"... .even went to our pastor to turn me in... .as a hypocrite.  As her e-mails were many... .and long... .I finally made the decision to block her e-mail address.  I have not received any for months but somehow a week or so ago she managed to circumvent the block and on they came again.

My first thought was to just ignore it but after some thought replied.  My message was short... .we love her and telling her that after reading a few lines I decided to stop because it looked like nothing positive was going to follow.  Then came another nasty one-liner (one line she knew I would see).

Once again I thought about this.  Throughout all our problems with her over the years, she has always been adamant that, while she has gone into counselling with others (husbands, children), she will never go into counselling with... .me.  It doesn't take much to read between those lines... .she doesn't want to face what in her heart she knows.

I made the decision to send her an e-mail... ."Truce?"... .telling her we know she loves us and that we love her... .would feel good to hug her... .would she consider coming for a visit... .all guards down.   It took a while to hear back from her... .another short one saying she was glad we were moving forward and she would be in touch.  The silence now is eerie.

So now I have opened myself up to... .what?  It is me, not her father who has to worry.  Never, ever has "our problem" been talked about.  We have gone from truce to conflict to truce so many times.  I have gone into dark places when my heart was breaking and it wasn't until I came to, and started participating in, this forum that I was able to pull myself up and my crying started to come to an end.  I really have learned how to look after... .me.
 
Truth be told, I (and my husband) have grown to like the vacuum we have been in this past year... .no drama... .peace.  I would like to continue that way... .but... .I am a Mom.  Is more required of me in order for my daughter to attain peace in her life?

So... .this post so different from my others.  I have talked-the-talk in my posts and now I have to walk-the-walk.  I am not the same person I was a couple of years ago.  With the knowledge I have gained, I have felt empowered and I know the trick is to keep that empowerment cultivated.  I will use the skills I have learned but I will not be her doormat.  Gonna be interesting how long this "truce" lasts.  I will keep you posted.

Huat

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Oh Huat, I'm crying over here reading your words. You have lifted me up so many times, reminding me that WE are mothers and we care deeply. I admire your strength and guidance.

I think you are very brave and so very loving to have sent an offer of a truce. I know you've worked very hard to get where you are and I know you will come here for support as you go down this new road with your DD.

Here's a hug for you from me, another mother on the path. 

~ OH 

[Feeling Better]

Hi Huat

I understand what a brave decision you have taken, at the end of the day, you are her mom and she is your daughter and nothing can ever change that.

You ask if more is required of you in order for your daughter to attain peace in her life, I think that only she can attain peace... .if she wants it. You can guide her, support her and help her, but only if she is willing. You are in a good place right now, you have learned to look after you and above all else you need to keep that in mind.

Yes, you are feeling empowered with your new knowledge, not wanting to be her doormat. How great is that?

Keep walking tall Huat, we are right there with you 

FB x

[Only Human]

Thinking of you, Huat 

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Oh Huat, you are amazing!  Another here with you as you walk the walk.  I’m sure your DD notices the change in you ~ just from the email and I’m glad you’ve given yourself the opportunity though totally understand you're  apprehensive. You’ve also left your DD with a lot to think about, perhaps that’s a reason for the eerie silence? You say you’re not the same person you were a couple of years ago, you feel empowered and have learnt the skills and really have learned to look after you, so I completely get you deciding to send the Truce email, guard down, firm loving boundaries, sharing a bit of the peace you’ve found in your life with her in a few words.

The ball is in her court, as the saying goes.

I like your question

Is more required of me in order for my daughter to attain peace in her life?

.  

WDx

[Huat]

Thank you Feeling Better, Only Human and Wendydarling for your much-needed and appreciated support.

It has been a long time since I have been on the receiving end of this forum.  Having your replies has reminded me of how important it is to stay here and keep reaching out to others.  Indeed, a lot of my comfort over the past few years has come when I have done that reaching out.

It is good, too, to be reminded that we are on a life-long journey with our BPD'ers.  There are no miraculous cures.  What can (and does) happen here is that we learn new tools to use in dealing with them.  They need help... .but so do we!  I've said it before and I will say it again... .I am not the same person who cried through my first posts.

As for the current situation with my daughter... .that was over a week ago that she responded to my "Truce?" email by sending one of the shortest (and not condemning!) emails she has ever sent to me... ."I will be in touch."

No problem here!  Truth be told, my husband and I have come to enjoy the silence these past many months... .the absence of drama.  We are getting pretty "long-in-the-tooth"... .blood pressure (for me) getting to be an issue.  Conflict is something I don't need.  We no longer dream of what could be... .have faced up to... .what is.  What a difference that has made!  Actually... .I have tried hard to use that approach in other aspects of my life.  Well... .a definite work-in-progress.

So until my daughter gets in touch... .I'm going to get on with smelling those roses in life.  As you have written, Wendydarling, "the ball is in her court"... .but there will only be one ball in play. 

For sure I will document whatever progress occurs... .and I will continue to keep reading and responding to the posts of others... .especially those Newbies who come here seemingly like deer-caught-in-headlights.   They need to know they are not alone.  Life can be better, albeit different from what we once imagined.

Huat

[Lollypop]

Hi there Huat

A bit late to the party here.

You’re armed up with that power toolkit of skills and knowledge. You’re ready for whatever, without expectations. This time you’re in control. I bet that feels so good.

I think your the wisest of the wise Huat. None of us are the same people who first arrived here - thank goodness.

Keep us posted and keep that spring in your step. Give that husband of yours a hug too!

LP