New Action and Safety Plan (and update)

[Eleven011]

so just an update...

Backstory:

After a major episode where my BPD husband flew into a rage and I ended up packing both myself and our kids in a hurry and staying in a hotel for a few days and contacting a domestic violence shelter (for his verbal abuse towards our kids and his once again threatening to abandon them -- with their being in a LOT of distress with this abandonment cycle - as it happened before!)... and after discovering a LOT of financial abuse -- when I finally had access to some of our joint accounts and could finally see the bigger picture:

Where we are now:

we were away for a few days and then returned after certain safeties were put into place -- as my autistic daughter doesn't do well with change (she was acting up at school so much that she was suspended for a couple days).   I'm not exactly *happy* staying in the same home with someone I know is so emotionally dysregulated and strangely seems to blame the kids for his mood swings -- but I have a safety back-up plan in case things get scary again -- and one I will put into effect if any sign of trouble crops up:

So far: here is what my BPD husband has agreed to as a "contract" to keep our children (and me) feeling safe:

He is to go to counseling to repair his relationship with our autistic daughter (whom he had often scapegoated and invalidated -- often baiting her and then blaming her when she had a meltdown)

He is to go into an anger-management program (as sort of a short-term band-aid for his rage episodes)

He is to continue with his personal counselor

He is to continue with his DBT program that he just recently started

He is to continue with family therapy

He is under advisement from school counselors - who are also holding him accountable.

All that being said -- I feel that if he is held *accountable* for all that - that he has a chance of repairing his relationship and repairing trust with our children -- and our kids would benefit greatly from no longer feeling abandonment and fear when around their father.

For me?  I'm just plain done.  Seriously.  I have a PTSD reaction whenever I'm around him for any time at all.  I need time and space away from him and I need freedom from his control and manipulation.  (Also - this is a relationship that is for show only really - in that my husband only moved back - it seems - to save face and so he could avoid divorce and exert more control as I was not okay with his moving back after our separation and I was even less thrilled when he refused to leave when I asked him to - after the abuse escalated and got worse!)  My health and well-being has suffered and I've become very isolated when I was just barely coping with the constant chaos and de-escalation every day.  I am a better parent to my daughters when I'm *not* around him - and I feel that is litmus enough really to know that I need *out*.  But instead of freaking out and leaving on the spot and going to a shelter (which was obviously NOT working out for our autistic daughter at all!) -- I'm going to carefully follow my domestic violence advocate's suggestions and steps for what I need to do for a better escape plan that takes into consideration my kids' special needs -- and to try to glide the airplane slowly and safely to the ground -- instead of it being a crash-landing.  A big difference was my being able to speak my truth.  When I felt I was gagged and bound to pretend that things were fine (because my BPD husband would act up more if I didn't) - it was destroying me from the inside-out -- and I finally realized that things were not getting any better that way -- by my walking on eggshells -- that they were only getting worse.  And any attempts on my part to carefully not shame or blame him and also with careful validation of his feelings -- NONE of those things seemed to make a difference other than for him to be temporarily calmed down, only to blow up later.  But outside accountability from other authorities (strangers) and his need to "save face" and "look like a good person" to others -- seems to be the *only* thing that keeps his actions and behaviors in check.  Staying is just not an option for me anymore though - as I feel I would devalue myself by doing so and I feel it would be like saying, "it's okay" that my BPD husband attempted to keep me under lock and key and control any chance at freedom or working outside the home through manipulation and control of finances and other forms of control or his creating chaos -- and basically starting fires faster than I could put them out -- such that I was so busy attending to his "needs" or rescuing our children from his angry outbursts -- that I had no time to breathe and no time to actually work on my own issues.  I was getting nowhere when stuck in that cycle.  But at this point -- I do have compassion and love for him -- but in a more detached way.  I have sympathy and empathy for him -- and occasionally I see the kind and nice man I once knew emerge.  I know he is capable of behaving with kindness and compassion -- but unfortunately his habit over the past 16 years has been manipulation, control and rage episodes as well as invalidation.  I don't think it is likely he is going to change towards me - who was the main target for all this.  But even if he *could* change towards me -- I still need a break from him for me to heal and recover from 16 years of emotional, verbal, psychological, financial abuse and all his other methods of control and manipulation. Plus - I feel as if I'm not being a very good role model towards my daughters if they see me staying in what is clearly an abusive relationship.  I've wanted out for years.  He *knows* that - as we went down the path of divorce before -- but he always would have some *emergency* or threat that might hurt our kids.  I feel that safety measures and accountability is the BIG difference that will change this situation -- such that I can finally have just a *little* bit of space in order to get my act together and follow the guidance of my domestic violence shelter advocate.

But more than anything else -- I was *done* years ago.  And I can no longer cope with pretending it's okay to pretend.  No human being should be held hostage to someone else's anxieties or fears or even mental illness or whatever their issues are and certainly not under threat of mistreatment of children in order to *keep* a person in line and under lock and key.  I've lived this way for far too long.  I need my own personal space and freedom and I feel it's time -- way-way-way past time -- for me to start doing major self-care and reinvent myself.  That doesn't mean that I don't care about what happens to my BPD husband.  I care that he repairs and maintains a relationship with our children - because I know how devastating his past abandonments and invalidation has been for them.  But that's self-work he needs to do and for others to hold him accountable for.  I have empathy and compassion for whatever demons have forced him to do all this.  But I also now have empathy and compassion for myself and granting myself permission to have distance and freedom from this manipulation and control.  I absolutely feel I need and deserve my freedom.  I've lost major friendships and relationships due to my BPD-husband's need to control and manipulate.  I've even participated in gas-lighting myself when he tried to convince me that the abuse didn't happen or that it wasn't so bad or invalidated what happened.  But I finally have come to the point in my healing where I believe me - I know what happened.  And I also believe *in* myself. 

Don't get me wrong - it's not as if I think he is incapable of change, growth and progress.  I don't feel any human being is irreparably broken.  I believe sincerely that everyone can make positive changes if they are willing to radically accept themselves and hold themselves accountable for their own thoughts, feelings and actions and how they participated themselves in any toxic or dysfunctional cycles - even if only in enabling abuse to continue.  I believe that with self-compassion and 100% honesty and a real and genuine desire and commitment to change - that anyone *can* change for the better.  I truly believe that.  But if anyone has suffered so greatly at an abuser's hands as to have had their freedom taken away from them for a long period of time - I don't feel that the survivor or victim of that abuse should be pressured to stay just because the abusive person has made a commitment to change.  What matters is that everyone has a choice -- truly.  And I no longer feel I have an obligation to stay *only* to make sure that my BPD-husband doesn't commit suicide or follow through on his other threats.  I do want him to "get better" and find peace within himself and I believe he can!  But I also deserve peace and freedom from abuse and freedom from being re-traumatized -- I deserve the freedom to be authentically who I am -- without walking on eggshells -- and to be the best parent I can be for my kids.

so that's the plan for now... please share your thoughts

[Red5]

Hello Eleven...
Your posts blows me away... I’m so sorry that give so much on your shoulders... wow...
I have a very long “story” myself... spanning decades and two marriages...
I too have an autistic son, he will be thirty three years old this year... he is developmently at about age six... he’s the sweetest kid... he likes fire trucks... steam trains... and country music...
it’s just me and him right now... it’s peaceful and quiet here...

Please know Eleven... that there are many silent souls out here... strangers... that will be praying for you and them youngins tonight...

You hang in there... you’re a good mama!

Love them kids and trust your mothers intuition... trust your gut...

That’s about all I got... prayers going up tonight for you !

Red5

   

[I Am Redeemed]

Eleven,

I think you have reached a turning point, and I believe you are approaching the situation in a balanced, determined way.

Working with a dv advocate is a great strategy. You are the expert in your situation and about what is best for your children. I think that shining the light on the truth is the smartest thing you can do. The more professionals who are informed of your circumstances, the better, because it's more eyes on the situation and you are not as isolated and subjected to only your H's version of reality.

Good luck, and good for you for taking careful steps to make a safety exit plan that takes your daughter's needs into account. I personally believe that the more solid the plan, the better chance of success with it.

Redeemed

[AskingWhy]

I agree with Redeemed that you have reached a turning point, and are ready to make decisions on the R/S.

You are seeing things for what they really are, moving past your fear and uncertainly (I know this well) and choosing your priorities.

In the meantime, stay aware, stay safe and stay true to yourself.  No more eggshells!   

[GaGrl]

My DH's story with his uNPD/BPD spans 33 years ... prior to our marriage and his healing. I get it. Know that we support you and what you must do.

[Perdita]

I think your new approach is very wise and well thought out.  Doing things this way is indeed safer than a crash landing.  I so hear you on being kept hostage to someone else's fears and anxiety.  This is something I feel increasingly myself.  It's very tiring and robs one of so much in life.

Does he have any deadlines for each of those points he agreed upon?

[Ozzie101]

Thank you for the update, Eleven011! I'm so glad you filled us in and that you have a plan in place.  That's really important, not just for safety, but for your own well-being. I know when I was in a bad place, getting a plan set up made me feel more secure and more empowered.

You've been through a lot and it sounds like you're thinking clearly and rationally and doing what you need to do to make sure you and your children are safe. Good for you!

But if anyone has suffered so greatly at an abuser's hands as to have had their freedom taken away from them for a long period of time - I don't feel that the survivor or victim of that abuse should be pressured to stay just because the abusive person has made a commitment to change.

Very true. As I Am Redeemed said, you are the expert on you and your situation. Only you can know what's best for you. And you are under no obligation to stick around if that's not what you feel is in your best interest. You can be glad for his change (if it happens). You can encourage it. But you absolutely do not have to be there for it. You've "paid" whatever price anyone might expect.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your children. And please keep posting to let us know how you're doing!

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Eleven, how are you doing today? You've thought this through very clearly and have strategies to hold your husband accountable through a number of people outside the family.

You've been through so much with this relationship and now you are done, no question about it. But you are doing what's best for your children.

We're glad for the update and please keep posting to let us know how things are going.

[Eleven011]

Hi all and everyone!

Let me just say that the outpouring of support means the world to me!  It truly does! 

When I was walking on eggshells and just carefully trying to avoid the next crisis and also (unintentionally) buying into my BPD-husband's alternative version of reality -- I felt as if I was being slowly erased, as if my world-view was dissolving and I was losing my grip on reality even - sometimes even wondering if he was right -- literally feeling in a fog, but I see it now as the "fog of codependency" (fear, obligation and guilt) - combined with the gas-lighting and the near-constant effort of minimizing, invalidation and denial.  It felt as if I was being brainwashed or programmed or something -- the coercion, control and manipulation was palpable and it left me feeling trapped and often paralyzed with fear and self-doubt -- and eventually killed my confidence in myself.

It got to the point where I started writing things down on little scraps of paper and email messages to myself -- just so I could keep my grip on reality and not fall back to what his message seemed to be all-too-often -- which often was, "let's move on" -- or even more extreme -- his pretending the traumatic event didn't happen. 

My starting to reach out to talk with others helps a LOT!  But it also comes with an element of fear - as in the past, whenever he was losing his control and hold over me -- there would be backlash and revenge and he would pull out all the stops to hurt me, most often with his using the children to do so.  And because I couldn't stand seeing my children hurt -- I would eventually just simply give up and withdraw inside myself -- feeling ashamed that I felt unable to escape and feeling like a failure as a mom and as a person that I couldn't extract myself from such a horrible situation and also strangely - feeling as if I deserved the abuse, that it must have been my fault... for setting him off, for whatever mistake in the past that he took to be a deep betrayal or whatever else that he seemed to be holding resentments for.  Often his resentments had nothing to do with me and the kids and he said so - which was both a relief and also a curse -- as it made me feel helpless as if there was nothing we could do really.

But making real plans and gathering real support -- all of that helps a great deal.  I'm finally feeling less powerless and can see maybe a small light of hope - sort of a small flickering flame - like a candle

[Cat Familiar]

When I was walking on eggshells and just carefully trying to avoid the next crisis and also (unintentionally) buying into my BPD-husband's alternative version of reality -- I felt as if I was being slowly erased, as if my world-view was dissolving and I was losing my grip on reality even - sometimes even wondering if he was right -- literally feeling in a fog, but I see it now as the "fog of codependency" (fear, obligation and guilt) - combined with the gas-lighting and the near-constant effort of minimizing, invalidation and denial.  It felt as if I was being brainwashed or programmed or something -- the coercion, control and manipulation was palpable and it left me feeling trapped and often paralyzed with fear and self-doubt -- and eventually killed my confidence in myself.

I know exactly what you mean. I experienced this in my first marriage. But now you will be immune to it--you have an overview that you didn't have previously--as well as support, both here and with people in your life.

My starting to reach out to talk with others helps a LOT!  But it also comes with an element of fear - as in the past, whenever he was losing his control and hold over me -- there would be backlash and revenge and he would pull out all the stops to hurt me, most often with his using the children to do so.  

You've set in motion safeguards to prevent that from happening again. He must be accountable to several others.

But making real plans and gathering real support -- all of that helps a great deal.  I'm finally feeling less powerless and can see maybe a small light of hope - sort of a small flickering flame - like a candle

You can build on that success and because you have others holding him accountable, he can't backslide the way he did before. You have every reason to feel optimistic. Yes, it will take a while to create things the way you want, but you're on your way.  

[AskingWhy]

Eleven, your writing on scraps of paper is a form of journaling--and it's therapeutic.  You might want to get a small notebook to keep your ideas together, and get into the habit of doing this.

You H is in therapy and this may well be good, but for now, you need a plan.

Hang in there!  Keep posting!  We understand what you are going through.   

[formflier]

Glad I found this update on you!

I like the plan.  I especially like that other people are involved in holding him accountable. 

"Sunlight" usually does good things for dysfunctional situations.  The accountability keeps sunlight shining.  Solid work on this!   

How is the accountability going to take place? 

FF

[Eleven011]

I'm holding it together... just *barely*

I got out of the house for the very first time today since the major incident happened... I went to *my* DBT group (for PTSD and insomnia) - it helped me a lot.

At first, I felt motivated and strong and brave -- but shaky... then when I ended up going back "home" but with safeties and such in place... I had major PTSD reactions.  But I didn't know what to do - as my autistic kiddo wouldn't have done well in the shelter and was already suspended from school.  The interruptions to her rituals contributed to her acting up at school and I felt she needed to be in familiar surroundings.

But back "at home" -- my BPD husband is pretending all that nightmare just didn't happen - and I feel traumatized and sunk into despair and depression and helplessness -- instead of working on the list my domestic violence advocate suggested for me.

Today - I felt as if I was pulling myself together and pushing myself forward and picking myself up, dusting myself off and forcing myself to keep going forward.  It's hard.  But I know no one else is going to do it for me - and I can't just go back to the "status quo" as it was before - as I don't feel that's safe for myself or my kids... not permanently really.  Even with safeties in place - I know that my BPD husband's rage episodes follows a certain pattern and it's only a matter of time 'till another one erupts.  I hope to be free and clear by then!

So that's my update as of today...

[formflier]

  my BPD husband is pretending all that nightmare just didn't happen - 

This seems to be a big deal to you...right?

Can you describe what this looks like?  Feels like?

Can you describe what you would like to see?

Solid work on getting to "your" group.       Did they address the reactions/feelings you have been experiencing?

FF

[Eleven011]

This seems to be a big deal to you...right?

Can you describe what this looks like?  Feels like?

Can you describe what you would like to see?

Solid work on getting to "your" group.       Did they address the reactions/feelings you have been experiencing?

FF

Yes - it was a very BIG deal to both my kids and I. 

No - I've not met up with my team again.  So I end up being surrounded by the people who my BPD husband had "controlled the message" (as he says) -- and as a result - I end up with a lot of cognitive dissonance and end up second-guessing myself a lot and then feeling frozen again in fear.  My PTSD kicks in and I end up feeling like a dear in the headlights instead of carrying on to make a sensible action plan. 

I just got to my Emotional Sobriety (codependency recovery) group last night - and that helped a LOT as I was no longer in my BPD-partner's cone of influence and control -- and it helped a lot to be reminded that there are people who really do believe me.  But I also know I need to do a better job of validating myself.  My BPD-partner is going to portray himself very differently depending on who he is talking with.  I know that.  I've seen that.  over and over again and for years!  That's not going to change.  He seems to need to "control the message" or control how others perceive him -- so he ends up projecting this very-different image to others -- and the effects on my self-esteem is dramatic.  I end up feeling unheard, lost, forgotten about and also feel a little crazy... gas-lighting at it's finest... though I don't think my BPD-partner is "doing this to me" intentionally.  Rather, I feel it's just an extreme case of his self-shaming and not wanting to admit the truth -- and basically sweeping things under the rug - because that's what he always has done for years and years. I end up feeling re-traumatized and activated and shaky when he does this.  But the simple matter is that I have no control over what he tells other people.  I can only control my own actions and responses and manage my own emotions and respond instead of react.  I can't do anything about what my BPD-partner tells to others... though what he is telling other people definitely has hurt my standing and reputation in the community and makes it a LOT more difficult for me to get the help I truly need!

What it feels like is like living in a POW camp where I'm pretending to stay calm so my kids stay calmer - but internally I'm freaking out!

What it looks like is with my BPD-partner pretending to friends and neighbors that everything is fine and his groping me in public -- which I'm not okay with -- just to boost his "devoted father and perfect husband" act -- but at home - it's flipped back to Hyde of his Jekyll and Hyde act - with lots of manipulation, control, defeatist things he says, his running our kids down and nitpicking them or invalidating their feelings or outright losing his temper altogether and escalating things with our autistic child, 'till she is in a full meltdown and I end up having to rush in and de-escalate her before she hurts herself by banging her head against the wall or whatever things she ends up doing when she feels too much anxiety -- and especially if that anxiety is coupled with guilt, shame and blame from her own father.  Add his rejections and his shutting down on her or shutting her out and treating her like the "bad" kid - and it's just a mess.

Lately - he has been playing good-kid vs. bad-kid so much with our autistic kid vs. our non-autistic kid - that things have become far worse.  Now my youngest is clinging to him (because my BPD partner treats her so much better than he treats our autistic kid) and whenever my BPD partner gets angry and storms off or threatens to leave again -- my youngest (a normally happy and charming kid) gets angry at me.  Last weekend - there was another episode of my BPD-partner blowing up at our autistic kid and his storming outside to sleep in his car.  My youngest was at the window crying as if her heart was breaking.  And then she turned to me and yelled at me that I was taking away her dad.  Often he gives her a lift to school, while leaving our autistic kid behind -- and this preferential treatment is really hurting our family and also negatively affecting my relationship with my own kids.  But more importantly -- our kids don't deserve to have to experience all this collateral damage!  It's not their fault!  (And I can't deny that I feel resentful towards my BPD partner for what feels like a very strange form of parental alienation - as my youngest kid was always strongly attached to me before he started doing this "I'm leaving" in a big angry huff thing... it's just damaging to all of us really -- all this drama).  Our oldest autistic kid clings to me though -- because her father keeps rejecting her -- with his words *and* his actions.  I don't know what to do about that.  I never badmouth my kids' father - but I can't repair their relationship with him.   I can only do what I can to get my kids to a safer and more stable environment.  But I know I still need to be sensitive to the fact that my kids will still want to see their father.  And my youngest's clinginess to her dad just recently makes it even more difficult for us to flee to the domestic violence shelter if we need to without her getting angry with me for "taking away her dad" -- which is NOT what I'm trying to do at all!  I'm just trying to keep all of us safe - and I don't feel comfortable leaving behind my youngest kiddo with my BPD husband and removing just my autistic kid and myself -- as that will only add more to my kids' feeling alienated from each other or being made to pick sides or whatever other nonsense and also feed more into this favoritism nonsense.  Also if my BPD-partner is acting erratically - I don't feel okay or safe leaving my youngest kiddo with him anyway - especially just alone and with no one else there.

I know we need help! 

What I would like to see:

I want to live separately from my BPD partner - the sooner, the better.  I feel retraumatized whenever I'm around him now.  I don't feel safe.  And I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

Whenever my BPD partner is out of town - I'm able to get into a far healthier routine with my kids -- of getting up earlier and also just spending quality time with my children without all the fear, obligation and threats and everything else that goes with this scary toxic situation. 

I would like to cultivate my relationship with my own children without my BPD's partner's interference and/or control issues and his creating chaos and making his own emergencies. 

I would like calm and peace... we had a blissfully calm time away from home when I finally had the courage to pack those bags.  I would like to live in a small place in the downtown area where I would have more access to childcare and my small family would have more access to fun events and it would just be easier to get around and meet other moms.  I wouldn't feel so isolated and my kids wouldn't feel so isolated either. 

I know that my BPD partner *can* be a good father to our kids when he is motivated to do so and especially if there is accountability or supervision.  But I can't be the one holding him accountable.  We need a special child-advocate for our kids - so that our kids' needs are put first over whatever issues my BPD-partner has with his pride or whatever.

Oh - and my group was helpful in validating how I was feeling and my reactions to all that was going on.  I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for a while -- but they were healing tears.  It was just such a relief feeling heard - truly!

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad you've found a place where you can feel accepted and believed.   You need more of that in your life.

And you're right, you have no control about how your husband portrays himself to others or what he says.

When he's behaving poorly with your autistic daughter, what can you do to let his accountability partners know, who are involved in her wellbeing?