Mele
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: January 13, 2019, 03:37:50 PM » |
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Hi Everyone,
I have never posted on a forum of any sort before. I'm hoping this might help my healing process. Several months ago, I met a man whom I connected with instantly. Being a recently turned 40 year old female, I suppose I've been eager to meet someone for a very long time. When I met A, red flags were very evident from the beginning, but I was determined to make it work. When it was good- it was amazing- I was the one for him- the one he'd been looking for- the love of his life- the lovemaking was incredible, and I truly felt like I had never felt, my whole life. Only about two weeks into our relationship, we had a blow up. We went for dinner, at a bar. There was a couple sitting next to us. I chatted with them briefly. After a drink or two, my partner A turned to me and asked me what I was looking at, and if I thought he was stupid. I quickly realized what was happening, and tried to stay calm, even though I was crying. I managed to convince him not to order another drink, and to give me his car keys, to get us home safely. Once we got back to A's place, he unleashed a tirade on me. I wasn't sure what was happening, or if I should be worried he'd hit me. I had never seen him like that before, nor has anyone every spoken to me like that before. It was even as if his face changed, physically- eyes wide, lips tight. There was no reasoning. I left, and on the drive back to my place A started to text me, calling me horrible names and insinuating I was flirting with the guy at the bar.
I "should have" left the relationship then, but I didn't. I started researching what might be wrong, and I came across a term: borderline personality disorder, which seems to fit the bill perfectly. I tried to convince A to get some help. I see a therapist on a weekly basis, and at the time was on antidepressants. I was very open about it with A, right from the start. There's no shame, I said. I told him I thought it was sexy to get help- but, as you may imagine there was a lot of resistance.
If I don't sleep every night at A's place, he'll get suspicious. Break up with me. If I wake up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break, and come back to bed without cuddling him, he'll huff, he'll puff, get up, yell, wander around the house for hours. Or take my phone and start looking through it, for evidence I'm cheating on him. NYE, I pet the dog just a few minutes too long, right before midnight and A freaked out on me- I don't love him, I care more about the dog. Another time, he broke up with me because I had dinner with my female co-worker and her husband. A was invited to this dinner and refused to go. In fact, we have never socialized with others. A tells me I'm a party animal, because I enjoy dinner parties. A few months ago, I got tired of not being able to talk to, or see my friends. A birthday gathering came up, and I decided to go after work. I invited A. He refused. Because the party was for a male friend of mine, you can imagine how A reacted. I had recently moved in with A, and when he found out I was headed to the party, he kicked me out. I didn't go back to A's that night. When I returned in the morning, I found all my belongings on the porch. Toothbrush, clothing, wet laundry, pots, pans and many other items, piled up. I took them, and a friend took me in. I lasted a miserable month, before reaching out to A to tell him how much I love and miss him, despite how much he hurt me. He has never said sorry for what he did. A believes that I deserved to be kicked out, because I cheated on him and I "chose to be with another man".
I don't know why I am so drawn to someone who continually hurts me. I keep trying to understand the borderline mentality- try to accommodate it- try to appease- try to educate- to love him true and hard, so he'll feel it, and finally trust me. I've never been called a co-dependent before. I've never been in an abusive relationship. There is no pattern of this. It's a first for me.
I planned a camping trip for A's birthday. We were going to be gone for two nights. Camping on the beach. I prepared everything- his favorite foods, all the equipment, a special dessert (which I forgot, in the fridge at home), candles to light the beach, etc... .the first night was beautiful. One of the best of my life. The morning of A's birthday, he went out to surf. I used the opportunity to go to the bathroom. When I returned from the public restrooms, A had returned from his surf session. He was livid I had left the camp site, that I had left him, and began to accuse me of having sex with someone in the bathroom! He started to rage. Then he pounded back some beers, and wanted to leave. We should have gone, but I was worried about driving drunk, reinflating the tires on his big truck (deflated slightly to drive on the sand), etc... .so we stayed. The whole time I was calm. I didn't say a word. I made dinner. I kept pouring water and feeding A, hoping if he'd sober up, the rage would stop. It didn't. It lasted all night. For about 5 minutes, I convinced him to come to bed. I held him tight. Stroked his head, like a child. I shushed, and sang a lullaby. For a brief moment, this seemed to work. A apologized. Then, in an instant he was out of bed again. This time, he had a flashlight in his hand and was shinning it into the bushes. Yelling at someone, or something. I was scared. I was worried he was going to get beat up. I hid the flashlight and tried to keep him calm until the morning. At 4am, he'd had enough and started to pack up the truck. I helped. Once back on the road, A tired to re-inflate his tires, but couldn't get the compressor to work. We drove for 2 hours, tires at 20psi, with A ranting and raving at me- "I forgot a birthday cake, I took him away from friends and family for two days, he only wanted to spend one night, I was in the bathroom with another guy, etc... ." The entire drive. I just sat there.
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