Taking a step in reclaiming myself

[Ozzie101]

Here's a little something about me: I love to sing. Always have. Almost uninterrupted since preschool I've been in choirs either at school or church.

In adulthood, I've been in my church choir. It's a big, mainstream Protestant church that's on statewide tv. The choir is a decent size and sings some demanding, usually classical, music. I'm a shy person, but I have to admit, I love to sing solo. I've got enough narcissism in me to love a spotlight.

Until I married, they were my second family and I was fully devoted.

It's just a part of me and a big thing I share with my mom, who shared it with her mom.

Anyway, the choir is demanding and almost a year ago, I was burning out and decided to take a break. H supported that. Being married gave me different priorities and I wanted to have more time at home and to go to church with H (he has a part time job as organist at another church). It was a good break. Ended up being longer than anticipated thanks to some health issues for me and H's flare-up of dysregulations that led me to join here and start seeing a DV counselor.

I've decided to go back. I miss it and my people.

This morning, I told H my plan. He was fine at first. Then he got more and more negative and sulky. for a number of reasons, I suspect he will see this as an abandonment or betrayal.

I'm holding firm, though. I feel like I'm reclaiming a part of myself and it feels good.

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[itsmeSnap]

Hey Ozzie101

Sounds great that you're looking to do things for yourself.

About your H's reaction, is it part of the plan to work with/around him over this or are you mentioning it as a "expected but inconsequential" to your decision?

[Ozzie101]

I do plan to work with him some about it. One of his gripes is that it ties me up one evening a week and then on Sunday mornings (when he's tied up around the same times, just in a different place). I've told him I'm happy to compromise -- to miss rehearsal occasionally so we can go out to dinner or or SS8 has a baseball game or H has an evening meeting on a week SS is with us. I will make reasonable accommodations.

I will not, however, back down or drop out or do anything I think is disrespectful or irresponsible. For instance, if we've got a big performance one weekend and H suddenly decides, last-minute, he wants us to take a long weekend trip. I'd have to say no to the trip and stick around to sing because 1) I would have put a lot of work into preparing, 2) my fellow choir members and director would be counting on me and I wouldn't feel right backing out three days before. But it's the sort of thing I could see H doing as a "test."

One of his complaints is my sense of dedication. I take pride in my work and in being a responsible wife, friend, worker, singer, etc. That annoys him and he sees it as my putting everyone else before him. (I'll bend over backwards to accommodate him but, no, there are some things I won't do because it violates my own sense of ethics.)

Yesterday when I told him and he got negative, I could tell he was trying to talk me out of it and manipulate me. ("I don't understand this whole 'choir family' thing. I don't see any sign they actually care about you other than needing your voice.") It was very similar to conversations we had about multiple topics where, before I figured out about BPD and recognized the verbal abuse, I would let him twist me around, usually under the guise of his caring about me. Now, I just acknowledge his feelings, etc., but stand firm.

So, to answer your question, I guess it's both. I plan to work with him but I also see this as an "I'm doing this, regardless" kind of thing.

[DoubleBP2018]

Ozzie,

I'm glad you're taking steps to reclaim a part of your life.

I used to do volunteer work one night a week with a group similar to Habitat for Humanity, we were helping people transition out of homelessness. My uFHBPDw decided it was "too dangerous" and demanded I quit. That was a couple of years before I know about BPD. Now I realize that the real reason she wanted me to quit is because she felt like I cared more about the homeless than I do about her. I would like to reclaim this part of my life but I don't know how to do that.

It sounds like you have a good plan, let us know how it goes.

[Ozzie101]

Since learning about BPD, a lot of my approach to H is similar to how I deal with the young children in my life when they're in stubborn, tantrum mode. I'm empathetic but calm and confident and in control.

A couple of years ago, SS (then 6 years old) had swimming lessons. One day he didn't want to go. Full-on crying meltdown. Well, there was no debating. It was going to happen since it was a safety issue (we were about to go to the beach and the house had a pool). H got frustrated and angry and stepped back to have me handle it. I explained to SS that I understood he was scared but that it was going to be fine and this was going to happen. I gave him his swimsuit. More crying. Then he put it on. More crying. We got stuff together. He came downstairs. We went out to the garage. He followed. H shut the door. We got in the car. SS stood there, then got in. Through all this, he kept pausing and crying. I told H, "Just stay calm and keep moving forward."

He went to the lesson and everything was just fine. Swims like a fish now.

That's kind of the approach I take now with H. That doesn't work for major dysregulations, but when he's just being sulky and manipulative, I draw my line in the sand (not that I tell him where that is) and stick to it.

[stayingsane123]

I've decided to go back. I miss it and my people.

This morning, I told H my plan. He was fine at first. Then he got more and more negative and sulky. for a number of reasons, I suspect he will see this as an abandonment or betrayal.

I'm holding firm, though. I feel like I'm reclaiming a part of myself and it feels good.

You deserve things in your life that make you happy. It sounds like you are putting a lot of effort into your relationship. You deserve a partner that will give you reciprocal love and support. A healthy reaction from H would be to be ecstatic that you found something that makes you happy, and to do what he can to support that. It's normal for people to feel a tinge of jealousy or resentment when they are in a bad place and something is going well for someone else. But a healthy adult will recognize that those thoughts are not productive and correct them. Keep doing things that make you happy. In my experience, sacrificing these thing for another person will not help them, and will certainly not help you. I've also noticed that the more I set boundaries and try to take care of myself, the more energy I have to not give into provocations. This makes a healthier and more stable relationship for everyone involved. Also, by participating in the choir, and enjoying it, you are setting a great example for your kids!

[flourdust]

Considering the history, it sounds like your husband viewed your decision to step away from the choir as validating his worth -- instead, you were going to spend more time with him.

Viewed through that lens, returning to the choir could be viewed as a rejection of him.

Something to consider when you think how to validate him?

[Ozzie101]

I'm very aware that he could see this as a rejection of him. Not just my not spending as much time with him, but that I'm rejecting his opinions (he sees the choir as too demanding and has, many times, said he thinks the director takes advantage of me and that my fellow choir members don't actually care about me).

It's a tricky road to walk.This is something I want (and need) to do for myself. I also understand that it's something that can trigger him and make him feel rejected.

I've told him that I will be happy to take a week off from time to time to go out of town, to just go out to eat, etc. And I mean that and plan to stick to it.

I guess, though, I'm not sure how I go about sticking to my guns and doing things that I want and need to do as a means of self-care and self-affirmation while also being sensitive to him and validating his feelings. For a long time, I gave into him on everything. He would argue and rationalize until I got so twisted around I could only see it from his point of view -- or I'd agree to just make it all stop and keep the peace. That's not a sustainable situation and I can't keep it up.

It's a pattern with him. He doesn't like it when I disagree with him or just don't hold the same view. That can range from a little annoyed and grump to full-on rage. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle that. I can't and won't agree with him on everything, particularly his more prejudiced and bigoted views, which are coming more to the fore lately. It's a matter of morality and ethics.