First time I have ever shared my childhood memories with anyone

[Vanilla Sky]

Split from:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331996.0;all

Hi everyone,

This post will be a lot of venting, so I wanted to thank you upfront for reading this and for the patience since I am not a native English speaker.

My T and I haven't spoken yet about me sending a message or not to my mother about the NC, although she asked me if I miss talking to my mother which I do not.  The last two sessions were focused on remembering and processing my childhood experiences with my uNPD/uBPD mother.

This is the first time I have ever shared my childhood memories with anyone. This is something my T recommended me - if I feel like talking to people that I trust about what I am going through right now, it is a good thing to share some memories so they understand how I feel and that I need time to go through all this. I have been reluctant to come back to this thread and post my memories. Every time I thought about doing it I’d question myself "what if someone I know reads this, I will feel so ashamed” or “Instead of minimizing things that happened as I’ve always done, am I now making them much bigger than they actually were?”. Well, I am not a mother yet, but if I was I would not do or say the things my mother did and said to me and my brother, I would never do that to any children. When I think about that I feel more comfortable knowing that they were not behaviours that I should just forgive because parents are humans and make mistakes, and should not feel ashamed because I was not the one doing those things.

Although it still hurts me, this memory is special to me because that is where I go to when I feel I am going back to denial. It is serving a purpose now, it's being my life jacket. I was 11 years old, my brother was 17 and he was dating a girl that lived in our street. One day we were together, sitting on the sidewalk close to her house. It was around 9pm and I told them I was going home, my brother asked me to stay a little more otherwise his girlfriend would have to go home too. I stayed. An hour later my mother shows up screaming at us. I go home running from her and I lock myself in my room. She spends the next 2 hours standing at the door, screaming at me, a lot of name-callings, asking me to open the door because she was going to beat me up because I deserved. "What will the neighbours think of a girl staying on the street at night?" she would keep saying. My father was "sleeping" on the other room and didn’t say or do anything during the 2 hours my mother was screaming. "He has to wake up early to work" that’s what I told myself at that time. My brother didn’t come home that night. My mother was screaming so loud that a neighbour from 2 houses away came to our house at midnight to ask what was going on and tell my mother to calm down. She eventually stopped and went to sleep. She gave me the silent treatment for a few weeks, and then things were back to normal.

When I look back at this memory what I see is:
- A mother that was not exactly worried if something had happened to her daughter, she was more worried about what the neighbours would think. The same neighbours that could listen to all the yelling and rage and name calling from her for hours. She was also not worried where her son was during that night.
- My father wanted to avoid her being mad at him. The neighbour had to intervene.
- I had to protect myself physically from her rage and had to deal with the silent treatment. I was only 11 years old.

As I dig into the memories and look at them with my “new eyes” I feel angry. I’m angry at my mother for treating me so cruelly, and for being violent. I’m angry at my father for standing by. I am afraid of letting go of this Anger and go back to denial by trying to rationalize her behaviours and be compassionate about her own childhood history.

[Harri]

Thanks for sharing that memory here.  It is hard to do that when feeling so vulnerable but it is when we allow ourself to act when feeling vulnerable that progress and healing occurs.  

When I put myself in the shoes of an observer reading your memory, I too feel angry.  I feel angry when I try to put myself in your shoes as the 11 year old too.  It sounds like this event is pretty typical of how things were back then.  Is that correct?  

As I dig into the memories and look at them with my “new eyes” I feel angry. I’m angry at my mother for treating me so cruelly, and for being violent. I’m angry at my father for standing by. I am afraid of letting go of this Anger and go back to denial by trying to rationalize her behaviours and be compassionate about her own childhood history.

Anger is good and healthy when used properly and I think you are doing that here.  Using it to keep yourself rooted in reality rather than denial.

At some point do you think you will be able to feel angry at such events when the memories arise *and* be able to feel compassion for your mothers own childhood?  They really are separate things.  Two separate people, you and your mom.  Two separate emotions, anger and compassion.    They can coexist.

Thoughts?

[Turkish]

Your account and your feelings behind it sound like how I would feel. 

Anger is a primary emotion.  What feelings lie below that do you think?

[Kwamina]

Hi Vanilla Sky,

That's a difficult memory to process and I am very sorry the little and just 11 year old Vanilla Sky had to deal with this

... .and should not feel ashamed because I was not the one doing those things.

Pete Walker who has written some great work about adult children who were abused as children,  says the following about shame:

"Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them."

"I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression."

I am glad you are able to explore these memories in the safety of your sessions with your T and now also here in our online community

I can imagine you being terrified with your mother yelling like that. Getting the silent treatment is very painful on many levels. How did it make you feel when your mother treated you this way? Did she often give you the silent treatment?

Growing up in this environment, even when things were unpleasant, this was still all you knew. This was your world. Yet now that you are learning to look at that world with "new eyes", almost as an outsider looking in, I can understand why you would feel angry. Allowing yourself to feel and acknowledge anger is indeed part of the healing process. You are right to also mention the role your father played in all of this, it was indeed not just your mother, your father not standing up to her and not protecting you was definitely also a form of abandonment. Is this the first time you're really seeing the role your father played in maintaining the dysfunction?

Are you familiar with the survivors' guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse? This guide helps take us from survivor to thriver and also deals with anger and shame:

6. I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.

10. I can control my anger and find healthy outlets... .

12. I am facing my shame and developing self-compassion.

The Board Parrot

[Vanilla Sky]

Harri, Turkish and Kwamina, I am so thankful for your prompt and valuable replies, it’s beyond words 

Harri, you asked:

At some point do you think you will be able to feel angry at such events when the memories arise *and* be able to feel compassion for your mothers own childhood?  They really are separate things.  Two separate people, you and your mom.  Two separate emotions, anger and compassion.    They can coexist.

I think I will be able to feel the two separate emotions one day. I can feel both things right now, they do coexist in me, but I don’t think I am ready to feel the compassion just yet, the Anger is stronger at this moment.

Turkish,

Anger is a primary emotion.  What feelings lie below that do you think?

When I read your question I thought “I just feel Angry, what do you mean by primary emotion?”. So I google it and I was astonished. I never thought that emotions were like that. For me I was Angry and that was it, and I would move to another emotion as the process continues. I am still processing your question and thinking about what is underneath my anger. I certainly feel deeply sad. I’ve been feeling down since mid-December when my mother had her latest outburst and I started to learn about NPD after my T suggested me to read about psychopathy and NPD. Last week my T told me that I cannot see my mother separate from the disorder - the disorder was always there, is still there and will likely always be there. I am feeling at lost. I am losing the hope that my mother could just get better if medicated or if I do this and that. I am losing the idea I had of my father, that he had nothing to do with what my mother did and would always be there for me.
When I feel Angry I kind feel justified and think about moving forward. When I feel sad, at a conscious level I know it’s necessary to feel and grieve all those things, but I feel stuck, so that’s probably when I go back to Anger. It’s very mixed up right now.


Kwamina,

I loved the quotes about shame by Pete Walker. Harri pointed me to articles on self-differentiation which will be a big step for me to deal with the shame I have of my mother's behaviours.

How did it make you feel when your mother treated you this way? Did she often give you the silent treatment?

I remember feeling a lot of fear of her. When I became a teenager I remember feeling a lot of shame for being treated like that and really angry at her.

She gives us the silent treatment a LOT. It happens to me, my brother, father, my uncles (her brothers). She gave my brother the SL for 4 years once, when he reached out to her. In my case, I would always break the SL after a few months when I couldn't bear it anymore. She is giving me the silent treatment again for over a month now, and as my father said "well, she is never going to talk to you again if you don't apologize". It was and still is very common with her.

Is this the first time you're really seeing the role your father played in maintaining the dysfunction?

Yes. I've been reading about NPD, enablers and flying monkeys.  After my mother's rage in Dec (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331996.msg13023251#msg13023251), my father called me saying that  "the only way to resolve this was me going to their house and apologizing to my mother, otherwise she will never talk to you again". I told him that I can't take it anymore, that I was afraid of getting into depression, so I needed some time for me, and would not apologize to her for things that I have not done.  After that conversation, he came to visit me twice and all the conversation was about how I am being immature, that I should know better than my mother is like a child, but is still my mother, gave me birth, sacrificed herself, etc. When I told him one of my memories, his comment was "Yeah... .I know she was never easy with you, but look at all the things I've been through with her, she is a poor woman, we have to bigger than that". I know he is well-meaning, he has his hopes on having the kids and mother together and happy, but also, consciously or not,  he is trying to put me back in the dysfunction because it's hard for him to deal with her alone. He is very religious and his belief is that she is an under-developed soul and that both he and I are responsible to help her on her evolution in this life.

Are you familiar with the survivors' guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse?

Yes, I think I am on #6 or #7.

[Harri]

I think I will be able to feel the two separate emotions one day. I can feel both things right now, they do coexist in me, but I don’t think I am ready to feel the compassion just yet, the Anger is stronger at this moment.

  Good.  I was interested in knowing that you know there can be a balance or coexistence of two seemingly conflicting emotions.   I over did it with the compassion for a long time and it kept me tied to my family.  Then i moved to anger and that was too extreme as well though it was so necessary for me to be able to separate and be open to new perspectives.  Anger was the healthiest place for me to be and even now gives me the most clarity at times. 

 

[Turkish]

Did you feel shame, especially that neighbors had to get involved?

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi Turkish

Did you feel shame, especially that neighbors had to get involved?

Yes, I did feel a lot of shame of that. I was still embarrassed when telling this memory to my husband and posting it here.
Feeling shame for things that happened or things that I was afraid she could do, is still very strong in me. When I was a teen I was afraid that she could show up at school to beat me up in front of my friends. Or what if people find out that she beats up my father and rip his clothes? What if people know that she used to call me a slut when I was 12 years old? What if she comes to my workplace if I don't take her phone calls when she calls in the middle of the day to complain about my father? What if they know that my mother and I aren't talking for months? Or that she has ignored her grandson during the years she gave the SL to my brother? It is shame for the things that she did, but it's also fear and the shame for the things that she could do when she goes on rage and manipulations.

I am so grateful to have read the word Shame here, it hit me so strong that I started to understand a little bit on how Shame has kept me isolated, silent, and took me many years to seek help.

[Safe and calm]

So sorry to hear. I can relate in so many ways. My mother was ‘something’ and would rage at me then give me the silent treatment for lengths of time. My father never stood up to her or had my back, he was good to me but he was gone lots... .abandonment. He apologized for doing this when he was 86 and I was 48. It was good to hear it from him and has helped with my journey of wellness.