She says she's mean when she sees something in me that's a weakness

[Omega1]

She gets so mean - she says I 'cower' when she gets angry.  I see myself as a strong person, but when she gets so aggressive I back down - then she gets mean and says 'don't cower' - it makes me so angry.

Why does a perceived weakness in me make her so mean?
Is she angry that I have this weakness?
Or does she see me 'cowering' as a threat to the relationship?

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[Supertrouper]

Hi you do have to be strong with this abuse. Im sorry that you have to be subjected to that. The boards here are great for giving advice on how to look after yourself when they are angry.

Others may have more insight but did she have abusive parents who made her cower and is she seeing this in you?

[Omega1]

Thank you - yes to some degree, her mom is definitely mean and hard on her.
But ultimately I think I do cower - and maybe my reaction to nasty harsh behaviour is what seems to set her off.
I want to manage it better - my reactions.  No matter how many times a day she speaks harshly and nasty to me, I still am shocked by it, still taken aback - still react with shock... .
and that reaction triggers something in her.

I know I can't change her - so how do I stop 'reacting' to her harsh words?  How do I just act chill about it or shrug it off better?

[Supertrouper]

My partner used to do this and when he first used to do it i sat myself down on a sofa, as then i was in a more relaxed position, and just let him rant. I never said a word, let him finish, by then he was usually exhausted, and when hed finished and calmed down a bit, i said now we can talk about it if you want to. Usually he was so exhausted he didnt want to talk then and unfortunately the issue was never addressed in most cases.

In between these angry rants during quiet times, i kept saying that i would not participate in angry conversations, he didnt like the idea, but he got the message in the end, that he got no reaction from his anger.

[Omega1]

That sounds amazing - my problem is, I always get 'hooked'.  My reactions to her anger are so emotional.  I know its the wrong response.  Any tools to help change this?

[once removed]

I know its the wrong response.  Any tools to help change this?

heavy duty anger in others makes me pretty anxious too.

can you describe the angry episodes in a bit more detail?

[theuproar]

My BPDgf is usually harshest when she notices that I'm upset by her behavior.  She's pretty harsh to begin with, but if she sees a crack in the facade she jumps on it even harder.  I've seen her do it with other people, too.  If I cry, defend myself, argue, get visibly depressed, anything like that. 

Interestingly, though, if my reaction is anger and I communicate that anger, she crumbles.  It's a dish-it-out-but-can't-take-it kind of scenario. 

In order to be of most benefit, I've worked very, very hard on being non-reactive.  It benefits both of us the most in the long run, even though I admittedly get a sick sort of satisfaction seeing her crumble when I'm angry, because I've been on the receiving end of her rages so many times (I feel a sense of "justice").  I've shed so many tears, stayed up so many nights, been nearly financially ruined, cheated on, lied to, manipulated, etc.  I have to keep in mind that although I have a right to feel angry at this, that emotion only delays her progress.  Out of intense love for her, I have to cultivate an iron mind in the face of her disorder, which is so very hard to do.  It's coming along, though. 

[Harrisps]

I like your outlook uproar. I too am in a similar place of trying to be less affected by the rage, blame, nastiness etc. And dealing with it in a less damaging way for eveyone involved.

I try to keep the mantra I read on one of the tools here in mind ‘before it can get better you’ve got to stop making it worse’

[itsmeSnap]

My exgf had a weird way she hinted at why she "pushed peoples buttons" even though she knew it was self defeating: she needed to know I (or anyone involved with her) was strong enough to handle her.

If I picked it up she lost control, if I wasn't as strong as she needed me to be she panicked, if it didn't get to me she'd give up pretty quickly, she had her answer, it didn't faze me, so it was all good.

She believed she wasn't strong enough herself, so she needed someone else to be that for her, and me as a partner was the next best thing.

I did get caught up in it the first few times (breakup included) and part of how I learned she might had BPD.

Can't know for sure if that's the case with you, but if she "crumbles" when you get angry back like theuproar mentions then it might be somewhat similar, except anger is scary (which causes the crumble, even in you) as opposed to strength , which is comforting.

[theuproar]

My exgf had a weird way she hinted at why she "pushed peoples buttons" even though she knew it was self defeating: she needed to know I (or anyone involved with her) was strong enough to handle her.

If I picked it up she lost control, if I wasn't as strong as she needed me to be she panicked, if it didn't get to me she'd give up pretty quickly, she had her answer, it didn't faze me, so it was all good.

She believed she wasn't strong enough herself, so she needed someone else to be that for her, and me as a partner was the next best thing.

I did get caught up in it the first few times (breakup included) and part of how I learned she might had BPD.

Can't know for sure if that's the case with you, but if she "crumbles" when you get angry back like theuproar mentions then it might be somewhat similar, except anger is scary (which causes the crumble, even in you) as opposed to strength , which is comforting.

Agree.  I'm not interested in hurting my BPDgf or most anyone else for that matter, and even from a pragmatic approach it is strength (as opposed to anger) that produces the best results in her.  It's been getting so much better since I've been working on showing less vulnerability.   

This idea about "testing" people to see if they're capable of handling things is also something my gf has done in the past.  She goes through these really long "courtship" periods (she actually calls it that) where she will parse out areas where a potential relationship with that person might implode.  I sometimes think it's her way of minimizing the chance of abandonment.

[Omega1]

Thank you for all of these replies - each one has been helpful in its own way and I so appreciate it.
I think I just need to figure out how, as a very emotional person, to be less reactive.
The thing is, she knows what she needs.  She tells me all the time that if I just react less, she can process and deal with her own behaviour.

Looking for resources, books, tools on how to help me do that...?

[Ozzie101]

Hi Omega1!

There's nothing wrong with being emotional. Feeling and accepting emotions is healthy -- bottling up isn't. And you don't necessarily want to do that just to appease her. That said, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to process and express those emotions and being aware of our own reactions can make a big difference when we're dealing with pwBPD.

Have you checked out this article on Wise Mind? It talks about triggering events and not reacting purely on emotion. Take a look and let us know what you think.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[Omega1]

This is excellent!  I always saw mindfulness as related to being present, in the moment - but this is more.  This is about self mastery.
I looked up self mastery and responding instead of reacting - and found some great resources.

Thank you

[Ozzie101]

You're quite welcome, Omega1! Please keep posting to let us know how things are going with you.