I need guidance: My BPD mother is now calling my workplace

[alrov]

Hello, I was glad to find this group while searching for online help tonight. My mother has BPD. We live in different states. As of about 5 months ago, I needed to take the step of changing my phone number because she was calling 40 times in a row and would not stop, constantly demanding information about me, repeating herself incessantly and having emotional tantrums. It didn't matter how many times I would try my best to calmly tell her to stop calling or that she was hurting me.

Recently she has started to call my workplace and demand information about me from the staff who answers the phone. I am fearful that she will continue this as a pattern. I spoke to a couple of the folks who answer phones and tried to explain briefly that she is mentally unstable and to not give her any information about me. They were very nice about it. However, I have not talked to our assistant manager yet, who is away at a conference until the middle of this coming week. I did not mention to the staff that she has BPD, only that she has some dementia, which is also true. I do not trust my mother to behave or speak appropriately and am really worried she is going to keep calling where I work and suck people into engaging with her. This time, she demanded to know my schedule and asked the person's name who answered the phone. I need help in how to proceed... .what do I need to tell the staff? What is okay for me to share with them? The only thing that works with her (until she does it again) is if you are extremely forceful with her and I know I cannot ask the staff to be firm and dismissive of her. It is their job to answer phones and be polite and accomodating. I'm sorry that I am going on and on, I am just really beside myself right now. My work place is really important to me. I don't want her interference to jeopardize my standing there.

I feel so violated that she has begun to call my work (I work as a music teacher and am with students all day, though this is a studio/store where there is an admin staff who answers phones and helps customers with purchases and to schedule lessons). I feel she is aware that she is violating my privacy and my autonomy by calling my work and is purposely doing it to try to harm me/punish me for refusing to give her my new phone number.

I have been home all weekend just obsessing over this and very worried because I need help in how to handle this situation.

If there is anyone here who can suggest some ways that I can handle this so that I can continue to stay calm and be in control and my workplace without her behavior damaging my standing there, I would really really appreciate some input and feedback. 

Thank you so much.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey alrov

Just dropping by to let you know there's someone listening to your story, I know you're here because of a difficult situation. Anyway, welcome to the boards!

It is their job to answer phones and be polite and accomodating

My brothers worked in phone customer service and tech support for a long time, I say this because I've heard their experience dealing with situations like these, I'm sure the staff at your workplace also understand how to handle difficult people on the phone while seeming polite and accommodating.

In this case its your mother so she's not exactly a "customer", but I'm sure they'd treat her just like she was so they most likely can handle it. There's also employee privacy precautions/protocols that companies often have in place, so maybe ask with a manager if they have this when you let them know about the situation.

Remember this is not your fault. You're not responsible for the behavior of others, even if they're family.

Now, is this the first time you've had to change phone numbers due to her calling? how do these calls usually play out?

[DharmaGate]

Welcome, 

Great idea to post and get options on how to proceed.  I think going with the dementia explanation was brilliant, people understand that.  How scary mixing mom and work, i feel for you. let us know how it goes, this is serious.

[zachira]

How distressing and what a terrible violation of your boundaries that your mother is calling your work!  I can imagine the distress you feel, as I too have a mother with BPD who constantly invades her children's privacy as she thinks she owns her children 24 hours a day no matter what the situation. Those that answer the phone cannot legally give out much information to your mother. Many people really get it when something like this happens. The key is not to involve those who answer the phone in how upset you are because that makes it harder for them to be objective and could affect your standing at work. Telling those who answer that phone that your mother has dementia is brilliant as it gives them compassion for her and you while supporting staff in maintaining proper boundaries about employee confidentiality in a workplace environment.

[alrov]

Thank you. I'm so grateful to that a few people have responded so far... .Yes I understand that I am not responsible but I feel so angry and worried. I don't know how to just keep flowing on without letting it get to me... .

Yes, this is the first time I've changed phone numbers. I blocked her number on my new phone. I tried calling her the day after I was told at work that she called. That was probably a mistake. Even as I tried to reiterate to her that it was not okay to call my work under any circumstances, she started to respond with "Yeah, but the reason I was calling was... ." and I just hung up on her at that point. Should I have stayed on the phone? I hung up because I could tell this was going to be just another round of her refusing to hear me and respect boundaries.

Hey alrov


Remember this is not your fault. You're not responsible for the behavior of others, even if they're family.

Now, is this the first time you've had to change phone numbers due to her calling? how do these calls usually play out?

[alrov]

Great idea to post and get options on how to proceed.  I think going with the dementia explanation was brilliant, people understand that.  How scary mixing mom and work, i feel for you. let us know how it goes, this is serious.

Yes, thank you for your support. Yes, it is very scary. That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. Scared. I need to know what I should say to the staff ? I'd like to ask if it's possible for them to block her number on the company phone. Should I do that? I appreciate you wanting to know how it goes, but I need help in what my part should be in this right now. Please suggest if you have ideas on what I should say or how I should proceed. Thank you.

[itsmeSnap]

I need to know what I should say to the staff ? I'd like to ask if it's possible for them to block her number on the company phone. Should I do that?

You can suggest it.

When you have a word with management I'd lay out the case: your mother is calling incessantly, you have asked to stop, she won't comply, there are mental health issues to consider.

Since its a company phone number they can/have to work with the phone company to sort this out.

I read you are worried about your standing in the workplace, its good that you're taking steps to address this. so far it seems that staff is being amenable to finding a solution, since it is a small-ish company I'm sure management will work with you on this one 

Should I have stayed on the phone? I hung up because I could tell this was going to be just another round of her refusing to hear me and respect boundaries.

I think given the circumstances you are doing the right thing limiting contact with her.

This is complicated stuff you're dealing with, good thing you found us, we understand and we'll make our best effort to support you on this.

You mention management is still a few days away from being available, so feel free to look around the board and see other's stories about dealing with their parents, might help reduce the anxiety to know you're not alone in this and there's people relying on each other for solutions here.

Let us know how the management talk went?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome alrov, 

We are all really glad that you found us and that you have shared your situation about your mom with us. Thank you for letting us be a part of your life and allowing us to walk alongside of you. I can hear the anxiety you feel, and that you are afraid of your mom's issues and control extending beyond and into your life once again. This is tough, potentially causing you to feel trapped by her long reaching influence that seems so hard to escape. My mom was an uBPD. I understand so well some of what you must certainly be feeling.

You've done a nice job of handling the situation so far. Sometimes we suggest to other members here that phone limits can help. For example some pwBPD who call frequently have been told by their adult child, "I can call you on Wednesday at noon on my lunch break for 10 minutes. That's all the time I have but I will give you a call then." Or pick what day and time works for you and literally set a timer to keep you within the limits you have set up. If you don't wish to talk to your mom at all, then this approach won't work. Whatever you choose is your choice and you are free to make that choice-with freedom!

What do you think your mom is really trying to say by calling so much? What does it say to you?

Thinking you might need a hug.
 
Wools

[DharmaGate]

Hi i hear the panic and i know so many of us would feel that with a mom calling work.  I am no expert, but here are my ideas.  i would try the blocking number at work, like you and snap discussed.  you asked about staying calm also, rhythmic breaths are proven to reduce anxiety, fear response, we all should be practicing those.  there are apps for this.  i would practice the breathing, write out what you want to say to management and the person who could block calls.  Rehearse before you talk to them, visualize yourself calm.  that's one way to go.

i would consider getting a counselor, because there will be more problems in the future and then they will now you and situation.

i would consider calling a domestic violence hotline.  and just get options for what you can do.  they are used to this sort of stuff. not suggesting it but if you wanted you can get a restraining order.  

start with the easiest solution and can work up.

can any one intervene with your mom to make her stop on her end? how old is she? can phone be taken away?

again i am no expert just brainstorming

[Harri]

Hi.  I would stick with using dementia as the reason for your mothers calls as it sounds more benign (in a sense) and evokes compassion.   Anything else just leads to speculation and may possibly reflect on you.   Ask your boss what solutions are possible in the work place.  I have no idea if a company can block her number but that is a good though. 

When talking try to keep it positive yet serious and stress that you are concerned about your mother bothering the call people and you want to be able to perform your job effectively.   

Is that the sort of advice you are looking for here?

[Star0009]

I recently posted about this sort of problem. As Mom's they can play the but I'm her mother card which makes people feel bad or wonder why you would be mean to your mother. I think saying she has dementia is best. If you worry about her getting more info on you as my Mom used to do I would tell them you don't have a relationship with her and do not want anything shared if she calls.