Seriously need help Gf issues

[Nick999]

My girlfriend has a problem texting other men, she says she deletes them, changes names, snapchats them, deletes text messages, says she likes to make them think they have her yet she never see’s them she claims.

Emotions go she’s cold as ice to loving me, texting all day to maybe once every couple of hours, spending all our time together, mentally drained, physically drained.

I love this person very much but I don’t know if I can keep this up, I don’t have energy for anymore I’m sorry or I won’t do it again when it keeps happening over and over.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Steps31]

Welcome Nick

Regardless of having BPD or not, is this behavior you would accept from anyone else?

[Nick999]

Honestly I’ve never been in this position before, I’m extremely confused and have no clue what to feel.  Is this betrayal, she’s just talking to friends, making me jealous on purpose.  My mind feels clouded, I don’t feel good inside.

[Steps31]

It's very important to have self-care.
Think about and define your personal limits and boundaries... .
How did you react when you first found out she was talking to other men?

[Nick999]

The first time?  Months ago... .I was not happy and she gave me the silent treatment...   never an answer why she does these things, history keeps repeating itself.  I’ve gone no contact right now but haven’t blocked her, she still hasn’t messaged me... .  she’s never not text me back but this last time I called her out I think she knows I’m upset...

[Steps31]

That's a tough one... .
You have a right to your feelings and to feel upset.
I wonder if she realizes that that behavior wouldn't feel good to anyone or if it's a lack of empathy?
You would think if someone is serious about a relationship, they wouldn't be acting shady with other people, but maybe that's just my baseline.

There's a quote that struck me in a TV show I'm working on this week... ."If a relationship has any chance of working, it has to matter to both people more than anything else in their lives." - I'm still chewing on that one myself

[Foolish man]

Hi my ex was exactly the same . In fact it was how we met , so I shouldn’t have been surprised when it carried on.
Constant messages , snapchats , Instagram uploads , often to men , who she said were just friends , and maybe some were . She later admitted that these friends were mostly after her for sex or relationship , but it shouldn’t matter if I trusted her . Difficult to trust someone who does that , hides her phone face down , and never , never lets anyone else near it .
I wouldn’t have accepted it in any other relationship but she said that is was normal behaviour for someone her age to be messaging so much , she is 20 .
These are just deceptions , she knows what she is doing , and that is clearly where her supply line of the next person comes from.
Could be same for you I don’t know , but if your kit happy with it ,keep that boundary strong and stick to your guns

[Nick999]

Sounds like the same story I’m going through exactly, she also likes to withhold sex, pretend she’s religious, skip back to bad behavior.

[Nick999]

Every time I try and think she’s so sweet or justify to myself why I want to stay with her I need to think about how anxious she made me feel when I’ve never felt like this in my life, when I pick her up she never gets excited to see me but openly flirts infront of me at bars, think about how she made me feel and how often, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions over and over.

[Foolish man]

I know exactly how you feel , I am only just coming out of it and realising how far I let my boundaries slip .
My advice to you is to think carefully about what you would accept in an ideal relationship and compare it to this one .
Try and find a non confronting way to challenge this behaviour , if you want to stay with her then this is the only way you will do it .
Please remember that many on this board have been in the same situation and you are not alone .

[Steps31]

Just curious... .what led you to believe she has BPD traits?
(Maybe overlapping with narcissism?)

[Nick999]

Turns out a family friend is a psychologist? I told him how she treats me or acts and I thought it was full blown narc.  He said BPD for sure with narcissist behavior, she also grew up adopted, molested by her father.

[once removed]

how long have the two of you been together, and at about what point did she start doing this?