BPD Episode

[LOML5]

Hi, I’m new and would love support or even hearing from someone who can relate to my experience. I’ll keep it short. My boyfriend has BPD characteristics but hasn’t been diagnosed. He is completely unaware of his condition  but I’ve been working with him and supporting him the last 4 years and he’s made vast improvement. Typical behaviors for him include: rage/anger outbursts, shutting down, pushing me away, lashing out, silent treatment, sees things black/white if I do anything he sees as “wrong” or say something he takes as a personal attack on him I turn into the worst person in the world despite all the good I’ve done for him.

He is able to let me know when he’s upset instead of lashing out at me. He’s willing to talk about the situation when I’ve angered him or hurt him. He’s slowly making connections from his behavior/personality now to his childhood specifically his relationship with his mother.

COVID-19 has been tough for him as it has been for many people stuck in toxic/violent homes and situations. His outbursts are much more frequent. Any bad day or incident with his mother ruins his entire mood for days and weeks. He is beginning to shut me out again and give me the silent treatment even though it isn’t me who he is mad at. I always validate his feelings, reassure him I love him and I am not giving up on him, and I tell him how amazing of a man I think he is. I remind him of everything he does for his family (he still lives at home and is the sole provider for his entire family) The most recent incident I left his home Monday morning and by 2pm that afternoon he disappeared. He stopped responding to my texts and by 9pm I was blocked. My calls and iMessages weren’t going through. I was unblocked by 11pm but he still wouldn’t answer me. Over the years, I’ve developed anxiety because of our relationship to the point where I’ve had a panic attack for the first time. By Tuesday I was a mess as he had never gone 24 hrs without speaking to me and never blocked my number. I wasn’t sure if he was mad at me or what was happening. I was crying and freaking out thinking I lost him. He finally text me and said “I’m not talking right now. I don’t feel well, I’ll call you another time, is not about you.” I know that when this happens if I don’t reach out to him it means I’ve abandoned him and I don’t care. But since this was the worst it’s ever been I decided to email him each morning and at night before bed just positive affirmation emails reminding him I love him and hope he feels better soon. I did that Tuesday night, yesterday, and this morning. I caved and called at 5pm hoping he’d answer and he just said “what are you doing?” I said I’m thinking about you and tried to call to see if you are up for talking yet. He said “thought i told you I’d call you.” I reminded him that when I go days without calling it makes him feel like I abandoned him. He said that’s only when he’s mad at me but that he isn’t mad at me but he didn’t want to talk to anyone.”

I simply told him “okay love, I just always feel like I’m the one being punished all the time whether I did something or didn’t. I’m the one to be cut off and to be given the silent treatment. I’m ignored and cast aside and it’s beyond damaging and hurts more than I could ever explain to you. but I know this isn’t about me love it’s about you. so you should do what makes you feel better and what’s right for you love.”

I’m now feeling angry and emotionally/mentally/spiritually drained. I don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t fair to me. I’m so hurt, I’m unable to sleep, I wake up crying in the middle of the night, it’s hard to focus, and I feel like I’m on the verge of an emotional/mental breakdown. I know he isn’t mad at me this time but because I’m so use to this being my punishment when he is mad I guess the feelings are the same. I’m feeling like he’s always abandoning me. I have a very sick mother who could die at any moment and I always think what if I call because I really need him but he’s too busy giving me the silent treatment then what? How do I forgive that?

I’m thinking when he is in his episodes he’s feeling bad about himself and so he wants to punish himself. He might feel he doesn’t deserve to feel good and knows I make him feel good so he cuts me out? I don’t know but I’m sorry this was suppose to be short. I feel at this point I’m hurting as much as he is and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to be there for him in the way I know he needs.

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[once removed]

hi  LOML5, and

boy do i know how much it hurts to be cut off by your love. im glad you found us.

i think, in general, i would take him at face value: that hes not mad at you, that something is going on that he needs to sort out. this can happen in bpd relationships, and its a delicate balance, giving space, nursing the hurt felt over that space.

The most recent incident I left his home Monday morning and by 2pm that afternoon he disappeared.

what happened that morning, when you were together? how did it go?

[LOML5]

Thank you for replying. The morning I saw him last it was great he was still okay. It was later that day that something happened with his family that got him upset. I know he retreats and isolates when Jets in that headspace I just really wish he could communicate that with me before ghosting me. We’ve since talked about it and he was able to recognize he could have handled it differently with me. Yesterday he also was finally able to tell me what happened. I‘m trying  to not take it personal when he has his episodes but it becomes really hard especially when the episodes have become more frequent.