BPD Mother & My Pregnancy

[Timba2]

I used to post on here several years ago but thought it was probably a good time to come back - as I just found out I am pregnant! (w/ first child) My mother does not know this yet so I thought I'd get some insight here before I am forced to tell her.

I went no contact for about a year until a few months ago when - after a few drinks on a Sunday afternoon - it seemed like a good time to reconnect.  (HAH!) Ya'll know this never ends well   

The backstory here is likely similar to many of yours. I've been a parent since I was born, severe emotional abuse until I could escape at 18, enabling father who remains by her side but every few months swears he is leaving her ( typical cycle of abuse). My mother had a severe heart condition that ultimately caused her to get a heart transplant - and while she is fine now - she can yell even louder! 
I'm an only child yada yada yada - made drama at all major milestones - yada yada- fixed delusions of paranoia - yada yada - tore the family apart a few years ago after she threatened suicide and people tried to help ("they all betrayed me")- yada yada - now I'm pregnant and terrified how she is going to react.

I'm 30 y.o and yes - she still has some power somehow to make me feel like a child. I was so healthy when we were no contact and now- in three short months - it's constant chaos with her. For example - this week she was banned from a family member's nursing home because she kept going there and telling her children that they just wanted her money and weren't doing enough for her. UGH!

Anyway - so yes my parents are Super Catholic and this child is out of wed-lock (in a Wonderful relationship - we are building a home, etc.) so I can only imagine how she's going to take that.

Any tips on how ya'll reduced stress amid a BPD mother-storm during/after your pregnancy would be much appreciated. Thanks! 

[Harri]

Hi Timba and congrats on your pregnancy!  When are you due?  How exciting!

And how stressful with worrying about your mom.  

What are some specific things you are concerned your mom will do or say?

[Timba2]

Thanks!

I think I am worried about my stress levels once she starts making it all about her.
I'm very early - like 5 weeks. Due date around August. I'm just wanting to hear how others navigated pregnancy with their mothers who tried to take over.

I'm anticipating that will play the victim the entire time - "Did you tell his family first?" "Am I even going to see the baby?" "You don't care about me anymore!" "Do you even want me there?" "You're punishing me for your childhood."

I'm worried about how she will handle baby showers and the labor/delivery part. I really don't want her at the hospital with me- I think it will make me very anxious because she always acts a fool in hospitals. Luckily she lives 12 hrs away - but I know she will like try to come stay leading up to the birth and I just don't want her here.

She feuds with most of my family - so I can see her sabotaging any baby shower I have. She's made every major milestone about her somehow. 

She came down for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago - and ever since then all I hear is "you have a new family there and don't care about me anymore" - it's EXHAUSTING. So- I can only imagine how much worse it's going to get when I literally have a new family here !

[zachira]

When do you think is the latest date you can tell her about your pregnancy? Based on past history and the fact that your mother has BPD, she is unlikely to respond well, and will make the pregnancy all about her without taking into consideration your needs or the baby's needs. You might want to consider telling her about the pregnancy in the presence of someone she wants to keep her facade of normalcy on for, if there is such a person. Some people with BPD and/or NPD act normal in front of some non immediate family members and outsiders. This is all about boundaries, and what boundaries you decide to set and enforce with your mother. What has worked well in the past? What did not go so well? You know your relationship history with her better than anyone. Your biggest challenge may be to not let what she does upset you too much, as the baby is exposed to all your feelings. How can you best take care of yourself while you are pregnant and after the baby is born? We are here to listen and support you. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.

[GaGrl]

Pregnancy and childbirth with an uBPD parent is stressful.  It actually was the point at which my father (NOT an enabler) stepped up and drew a strong boundary with my mother's stepmother (the uNPD/BPD in our family).  My parents lived in the same city as all the grandparents.  When it came time for mom and me to come home from the hospital, my step-grandmother showed up to direct the "Baby Comes Home from Hospital" production.  In the process, she managed to say something to my other grandmother (not even sure what) that was rude and thoughtless -- and my dad overheard it.  Combined with her taking over, it was enough for Dad to pretty strongly suggest she back off.  Six weeks later, Dad had a job in a city 200 miles away, and from that point forward, visits were carefully managed.  Even then, my step-grandmother had to be reminded about boundaries several times.  She managed to get her feeling hurt at my wedding, also.  It was always something... .

It might be best to hold off on telling her as long as you can.

You don't necessarily have to have her at a shower if she doesn't live in the same city.

You might want to be vague on the due date, so she doesn't come too early and stress you out just prior to the birth.  Can you suggest she wait until you call her and tell her the baby is here, then arrange for a limited time for her to be with you?  My mom was certainly a great help with my baby, but she didn't arrive until the day I was coming home from hospital, and she didn't stay but four days or so, because her father was ill at the same time.  She did feel that I needed time alone to settle in to the baby routine -- very savvy of her.

Bottom line... .if ever there is a time to establish how you and your partner want your family life to be, it's when the first baby is born.  It may take a conversation that is kind but clear -- and she will still react in her BPD way, but you get to create your own family life.

[Harri]

Gagrl said:

Bottom line... .if ever there is a time to establish how you and your partner want your family life to be, it's when the first baby is born.  It may take a conversation that is kind but clear -- and she will still react in her BPD way, but you get to create your own family life.

yes.  Set the boundaries and stand firm now as it will set the tone for the future.  Your mom is who she is and will probably react poorly.  That is on her.  Your job is to take care of you and your baby.

zachira said: 

Your biggest challenge may be to not let what she does upset you too much, as the baby is exposed to all your feelings. How can you best take care of yourself while you are pregnant and after the baby is born?

As zachira says, we can support you.  We can also help you with understanding your moms behaviors so you can depersonalize them and work on not reacting, but instead responding to them.  Learning about and becoming comfortable with boundaries will be important too.

We have a new article here:  Distress Tolerance Skills that I think can be useful in understanding some of your own feelings when dealing with your mom.  Learning to self soothe and manage our feelings when interacting with our parent(s) is important.  Be sure to click to see all of the slides and if there is anything you want to discuss more, we can.

Now is the time to start working on this stuff.  It takes time to learn new ways to interact and to get comfortable with the techniques.  It is also easier if you do it while things are relatively calm rather than when in crisis.

[Timba2]

Thank you all for your input so far!

I totally believe that the moment I tell my mom it will be all about her - so prolonging this time before will be important. I am thankful that my boyfriend's family and my mom's sisters (who are surprisingly normal!) will be super supportive - so I do have some "soft places to land" - if you will.

I think distancing from my mom and having minimal contact will be important.

Right now- she doesn't act a fool in front of my boyfriend so I really need to have him around when I tell her because I think she will hold her jabs around him. It's just when it's her and I that she gets really jabby (like that therapist speak?  ).

Thank you for the resource on Distress Tolerance. While I logically know many of these from my training - when it's my own family it's much more difficult to take my own advice! (i.e. why I'm needing to reach out here).  Thank ya'll ahead of time - it's going to be a long 9 mos!

I am bad at letting her back in when she seems ok. Too much familiarity almost triggers her to start picking and prodding at me because she just can't be normal. It's so frustrating. I'm even concerned about ever letting her alone with my future kids. It truly terrifies me that she would do something to them to punish me because that's just how she is.

I'll keep ya'll updated! No word from her today - yet.

[Harri]

Hi Timba.  It is a whole different thing when dealing with your own family and situation.  I can see other posters situations with far more clarity than my own... .and that is one of the benefits of posting here.  I learn a lot by helping others and can then apply it to my own situations, ot all the time but often enough. 

I am bad at letting her back in when she seems ok. Too much familiarity almost triggers her to start picking and prodding at me because she just can't be normal. It's so frustrating. I'm even concerned about ever letting her alone with my future kids.

We do have members here who do not allow their parents to be with the g-kids unsupervised.  Not always out of fear of physical or sexual abuse but because of the manipulations and emotional blackmail that can happen.  We had a member here whose mom would play emotionally abusive games with her 2-3 year old son.  She would ask who he loved more, mom or g-ma, and cry when he chose mom or wanted to be picked up by her.

You have options and you have time to think about these things.  Not to upset and obsess over, but to plan and prepare.  To build confidence in setting boundaries and limits and using the communication tools like SET and validation skills.

Keep posting.  It helps a great deal.

[Timba2]

Yes that is what I would worry about with her watching my kids - the emotional factor. I can only imagine coming home to her saying "I know what you told your child about me" - and it being a whole thing... .

I definitely need to re-read articles on here about communication. I definitely give her too much power.

Timing on this is just so unfortunate  - my parents separated (again) - she's acting a fool. Oye! I need to remind myself that this is always how it's been and I need to live my life regardless of her chaos. Radical acceptance right?

I had a discussion with my bf tonight about holding down boundaries and ensuring that we really savor this time before we tell my mom. He is so supportive and willing to go to bat if she has a meltdown - so I'm thankful for that. I'm just so annoyed I'm thinking about her during this time. That's just how it goes I guess!

[Harri]

Yeah, I understand your annoyance.  I resent that  still have to deal with the legacy even after my parents are dead.  Grrr... .

Learning boundaries and radical acceptance and all the other things we offer here are for you though.  They are ways you can protect yourself, your BF and you child (!) from an abusive person so that you can have your own life independent of your mom and her dysfunctional behaviors. 

What you learn here will be useful in all areas of your life and will help you teach your child better ways of being.

(sorry, I have an affliction where I have to look for the positive... .and share it!  )

[Turkish]

I don't disbelieve you about your feelings about her watching your kids.  That's,  however,  years down the line,  and luckily she lives far away. Focus on your primary family now, and that's your baby,  your bf, and you. Yes, YOU.

I heard from my mom's neighbor a few years later how my mom complained that I never let her watch my son.  Funny,  but she never asked.  Even if she had,  there was no way in hell I'd have left him with her.  Under my supervision later when she was living with us I did.  But I was around. The guilt sucked at times,  but it was the right thing to do to protect my kids. 

[cruiser23]

Congrats on your pregnancy!

I just wanted to tell you, enjoy the "secret" of being pregnant with your SO as long as you can. It's an awesome secret, and a way to really bond even more together, by not telling anyone else.

We were pregnant over the summer (ended at 8wks in a miscarriage ) and I didn't tell my mom I was pregnant until I was actively miscarrying. I had a moment of sadness/grief/pain so intense that I really wanted "my mom" and called her to come be with me. She was "ok" by BPD standards... only scolding me a few dozen times for not telling her I was pregnant before then so SHE could celebrate her only grandchild while it was alive... .and that my running killed my baby... .and that it was selfish to keep it from her... .*smh* and yes, she did leave quickly and came back later and was a bit more "normal"... .I mean it distracted me from my grief but not in the way I wanted her to... .you know? LOL

So I would say, don't tell her til you have to. Enjoy it.

When we got married, I didn't have any like parties ahead of time or anything like a lot of girls do. I didn't want the argument with my mom about who would be invited, and we did a destination wedding to limit guests my mom did not like. When I was pregnant, I told my husband, "this is different, and I want a shower, and I want to celebrate this, despite my mom" and it was the time where I think I finally had had enough, and I started to not tolerate her BS and control anymore. Shortly after that, I found this group.

So when I get pregnant again, I am not telling her until I have to (She lives close by but we're NC so who knows if she will "find out") and I will celebrate the pregnancy without the gloom and doom of my mom and it being all about her.

I don't know if that helps, but it's my story so far, and I think you should really just cherish your pregnancy, and NEVER move closer to your mom. (another of my mistakes, learn from me!)

[Timba2]

 @cruiser23

First - I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. My mother would have said the Exact same things she said to you. The whole "let me kick you when you're down because I don't know how to focus on anyone else but myself" gig. So frustrating   

Thank you for your input and for sharing your story. I discussed the things people are advising on here last night with my boyfriend. We are both in full agreement that we will tell my mom after the first trimester is over, along with others. I can already anticipate her saying "why didn't you tell me sooner" to which I will respond "because that's what we decided." My boyfriend was really encouraging of emphasizing that her input is appreciated but that all decisions will be decided as a couple. I'm working on how I will respond to her many "woe is me" statements - and I ultimately just need to learn how to not react, keep it positive, and just not escalate. She is such a bully.

My anxiety has really been spiking this week. I'm really having to let go of control at this time. Working on distraction and trying to not watch all the YouTube videos I can find on pregnancy 
It's so hard because I work from home - and so I just sit here doing my work all day but I really ruminate on this pregnancy. If it's not meant to be it won't be but I guess I just will try and enjoy it as long as I can.

I'm so thankful for all of your support thus far! Thanks again!

[zachira]

Do keep us posted on how you are doing. Regular posts and expressing the feelings before they become overwhelming can really help when mom does something hurtful and upsetting. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are really a team, and your child is lucky to have loving parents.

[Timba2]

Well - fast forward a few weeks since I've posted on here and all has largely played out how I assumed it would. I told my parents with my boyfriend on Skype - they seemed to both take the news of me being pregnant pretty well to start. My dad cried and my mom asked three times if I was getting married before we have the baby (which we are not)- but was otherwise ok.
So we had about a week of calm and "support" from my mom - she was even discussing moving down here (yikes)- but then one day I get a giant text message out of the blue about how she cannot support me because my child will be illegitimate and how she "prayed so much on it" but she just can't support me- yada yada yada. I was like ok - well I knew it would happen at some pt so here we goo! She said a lot of other hateful/delusional things as well in the text - so I blocked her number.
The next day she backtracks - apologizes (via an unblocked email) - and begs for forgiveness. She even reached out to my boyfriend about it. I explain to her that I cannot handle this stress right now on top of a pregnancy and that she needs to give me time/space. Of course she has no boundaries so she lashes out all kinds of hate against me trying to have boundaries - which I ignored.
Fast forward a few pleasantly quiet weeks to today when I get another email saying the weirdest and delusional things yet. She basically was trying to get me to let her come down here to "work on our relationship" but then went into this tirade about how she doesn't want her sisters knowing she is coming and that my dad won't be coming either. It was like she wanted to keep it a secret which really freaked me out. She went on to say how she "knows I'm confiding in [her] sisters" and "depending on how much I told them will dictate how her visit goes." I'm assuming she means that she doesn't want them knowing how mad she is for not getting married before the baby so she can continue emotionally abusing me in private.
It was just a crazy exchange. I explained that I did not want her coming down here and that if I wanted to contact her in the future I would. She has just been nothing but chaos since I went off no-contact a few months ago- less than 6 - and now she is just bringing so much chaos to what should be a happy time. I'm so deeply resentful of her and her need to always make it about her.
I spoke with my dad about the email and really stressed that he would need to tell me if she ever leaves suddenly. He was on another kick about how he is going to "leave her" - which I hear almost every time I talk with him. Apparently my mom is tearing into him about how he didn't gang up on me with her - and is belligerently verbally attacking him non-stop to bully him into such.
It's just so sad - the whole thing. I'll be 13 weeks pregnant this week. I'm making the choice to go no-contact with her going forward and into the pregnancy. I just don't have the energy anymore! We shall see how it goes.

[zachira]

I admire your courage in going NC with your mother and doing what  is best for you and your baby. I feel your sadness, as you would rather have the alternative of having a healthy happy relationship with your mother and know it is not possible.

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

It's hard to start to have boundaries with a BPD mother who doesn't respect boundaries. She isn't going to like it, and she isn't going to be happy about it. She's likely to say, and do, hurtful things. However - if you are going to have them, there isn't a "best time" to do this, so it makes sense to start with now.

My mother tends to create chaos at many kinds of occasions, so it's a balance whether or not to have her there- we have to account for the chaos. Sometimes we decide to put up with it and sometimes not- depending on her behavior.

My kids are older. My mother refers to them as HER grandchildren. I have boundaries with her because there was no way I'd allow them to be subjected to her behaviors. I did care about my father ( now deceased) and wanted him to spend time with my kids. BPD mom was part of the deal. He was her enabler. ( I recall the many times he was "going to leave her" but he didn't too). They could visit together but I would not leave my kids alone with her.

She didn't like it, she's said a bunch of mean things, but if I could give you any advice it would be that your responsibility is now to your child. My mother was angry at me for my boundaries with them, and alienated my father from me when she was angry. It's a horrible position to be in - to have to choose pleasing my parents and having their ( temporary) approval and acting in the best interest of my children and also myself- but it isn't a questionable choice. My responsibility is to my children and to me, not to appease my mother.

Would you consider some counseling? It would help you with the stress of dealing with her. A counselor who is familiar with BPD can help you to navigate boundaries with her.

[Timba2]

Thank you for the support!
I have been in therapy for several years (and am a therapist myself with lots of therapist friends) and feel like I'm in a good place overall at this time. That could change but I do feel like I'm ok overall - I just need to vent !
I haven't heard from her since the emails so hoping it stays that way!

[zachira]

Post here anytime things get weird with your mom. So many of us, find ourselves posting here periodically when our mother with BPD pulls another one of her upsetting stunts.