I have reached the point where I have so much contempt for her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This thread really spoke to me.

My wife is high functioning.   She is the “queen” version of uwBPD. Very demanding. Possessive. Easily slighted.  Jealous if I mention the good about another Woman. I have been faithful for 23 years.

I am worn out.  Never enough compliments or reassurance. 

I had to cut off a relationship with my brother and parents.  To this day they are the epitome of evil to her

I decided to stand up for myself a year and a half ago and resume contact with my brother.  She went on a drinking binge. I stayed the course with more contact. 

She blew up.  The first episode she trashed all of our dishes. Threw things at me.  Of course I said it was my fault to get her to stop.  Big mistake I know. Another time  She hit me.   She then screamed into our condo hallway. I actually posted about that on this board.  That time I ran out and spent the night at a hotel. She then went to group therapy.  Complained that everyone there was worse than she was.  Didn’t like it because she felt everyone’s pain.  She bragged about how she made people laugh.

So I decided to go to my niece’s wedding without her.  When I got back,  she started having panick attacks.  I assume this is the abandonment fears.  Of course the panick attacks were my fault due to the wedding trip.  She likes to say how she would stop doing anything if it made me sick so why don’t I stop talking to my family.?   But in the past when I did stop talking to my family she felt guilty and I was suppose to release her from guilt. No win situation

I stuck to my guns.  Called them on aThanksgiving.   Another blow up from her ensued. She said I should call behind her back so she is not exposed to it.  So of course I didn’t call on Christmas.  I am just exhausted by the confrontation.

I have reached the point where I have so much contempt for her.  She says I am distant. She baited me to talk about separation. I said fine and I was ready.  So ready with a proposal that she was taken aback.  So I tell her that I have foregiven my family for any rudeness in the past.  She says ok fine talk to them all you want.  But she said she may not be able to control her anger “she says hey I’m sick my anger is not my fault.”

Now of course she has no patience with my feelings of anger and resentment.   She says she gave in so what is my problem?  After 23 years I am suppose to flip a switch.  She can resent and throw all kinds of guilt at me for 23 years but I must get over it in less than 23 minutes.

I read in another thread that a therapist told someone that it is ok to be angry.  I have repressed a lot over the years.  My therapist said she has brain washed me.  A lot of guilt and feeling I am responsible for her.  Her suicide threats take a toll.

I have reached the point of total utter contempt.  Almost everything she does annoys me.  She knows I am not happy. Constantly checking my facial expression. She initiates sex. I go along because I know there is a price to pay in her hurt feelings if I refuse.

So I am planning my exit.  I have figured out a way move my stuff out in under an hour while she is not home. The only decision is whether or not to just leave a note.  I can’t have her screaming into the hallway.  The neighbors my call the police.

[Boll2017]

This thread really spoke to me.

My wife is high functioning.   She is the “queen” version of uwBPD. Very demanding. Possessive. Easily slighted.  Jealous if I mention the good about another Woman. I have been faithful for 23 years.

I am worn out.  Never enough compliments or reassurance. 

I had to cut off a relationship with my brother and parents.  To this day they are the epitome of evil to her

I decided to stand up for myself a year and a half ago and resume contact with my brother.  She went on a drinking binge. I stayed the course with more contact. 

She blew up.  The first episode she trashed all of our dishes. Threw things at me.  Of course I said it was my fault to get her to stop.  Big mistake I know. Another time  She hit me.   She then screamed into our condo hallway. I actually posted about that on this board.  That time I ran out and spent the night at a hotel. She then went to group therapy.  Complained that everyone there was worse than she was.  Didn’t like it because she felt everyone’s pain.  She bragged about how she made people laugh.

So I decided to go to my niece’s wedding without her.  When I got back,  she started having panick attacks.  I assume this is the abandonment fears.  Of course the panick attacks were my fault due to the wedding trip.  She likes to say how she would stop doing anything if it made me sick so why don’t I stop talking to my family.?   But in the past when I did stop talking to my family she felt guilty and I was suppose to release her from guilt. No win situation

I stuck to my guns.  Called them on aThanksgiving.   Another blow up from her ensued. She said I should call behind her back so she is not exposed to it.  So of course I didn’t call on Christmas.  I am just exhausted by the confrontation.

I have reached the point where I have so much contempt for her.  She says I am distant. She baited me to talk about separation. I said fine and I was ready.  So ready with a proposal that she was taken aback.  So I tell her that I have foregiven my family for any rudeness in the past.  She says ok fine talk to them all you want.  But she said she may not be able to control her anger “she says hey I’m sick my anger is not my fault.”

Now of course she has no patience with my feelings of anger and resentment.   She says she gave in so what is my problem?  After 23 years I am suppose to flip a switch.  She can resent and throw all kinds of guilt at me for 23 years but I must get over it in less than 23 minutes.

I read in another thread that a therapist told someone that it is ok to be angry.  I have repressed a lot over the years.  My therapist said she has brain washed me.  A lot of guilt and feeling I am responsible for her.  Her suicide threats take a toll.

I have reached the point of total utter contempt.  Almost everything she does annoys me.  She knows I am not happy. Constantly checking my facial expression. She initiates sex. I go along because I know there is a price to pay in her hurt feelings if I refuse.

So I am planning my exit.  I have figured out a way move my stuff out in under an hour while she is not home. The only decision is whether or not to just leave a note.  I can’t have her screaming into the hallway.  The neighbors my call the police.

[Cat Familiar]

She has tried to keep you distant from your family, but you no longer want to do that. You've gotten to the end of your rope and want to leave.

Are you really ready to end this relationship for good? And if the neighbors call the police when she realizes you're gone--is that the only thing stopping you?

[Boll2017]

Thanks for the quick reply.  Good question. I keep asking myself why I go back. My psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor and attorney are encouraging me to leave.  My psychologist says I should ask myself what I would tell someone if I saw them in this situation.

My psychologist also says since my family has a history of having blow ups, their pattern was to foregive and try to move on.  He says I am looking for that.  He also says I can take a lot of punishment due to my mother treating my Father poorly.  She was very controlling and possessive.  I think she had BPD.  I was always on a pedestal and my Dad was criticized. My wife also does the pedestal with me as long as I don’t interact with my family and don’t get out of her reach

The 2 times I visited my brother I dreaded the phone calls I made to her.  She is so clingy and can’t stand me being away.  While I was away I felt so relaxed.  The anxiety I feel around her all of the time falls away. 

Here is my scenario- the note I wrote says I want some space for 2 weeks.  I will not take calls or open emails.  After 2 weeks I would start emailing. My plan is to fly out to see my brother.  My letter doesnt indicate an end to the separation- it is open ended.

My psychologist says I should just plan to relocate to my brothers area.   My counselor says right now I need to do what I want and not feel responsible for her.  Not buy into her guilt.

Thanks again

[Cat Familiar]

You feel relaxed and at peace when you’re not with her, but you’ve been together for a couple of decades, and you are accustomed to the stress you feel, as that is similar to what you experienced in your family of origin.

That’s your past. Now what do you want your future to look like?