Needing a hug and some helpful coping mechanisms

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi all,

So I think (or I hope) things have hit the lowest they can in this extremely high conflict separation that is just beginning. I've been writing over the last weeks on a couple different threads regarding what is going on:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333600.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334134.0

In summary,

- Lawyers got involved
- StbexBPDw ended up spending 1/3 of our bank account on frivolous expenditures for herself
- I blocked her access
- Her lawyer says I'm not providing for her and the family
- Her lawyer sends accusations almost daily to my lawyer racking up bills and stress
- StbexBPDw and lawyer refuse any discussion regarding custody, she wants 100%
- Lawyer and stbexBPDw are claiming I am violent, she is scared for herself and children, and I'm disturbed
- My lawyer and I are now pushing this in front of a judge for emergency hearing for temp orders
- StbexBPDw might be trying to move children to another apartment far away (this isn't verified but suspected)

The biggest hits to my morale though were that my lawyer told me Thursday after meeting with her lawyer that in her opinion that we are going to lose the emergency hearing, i.e. she believes I will be asked to leave the house and that I will get 1-2 weekends per month until the full hearing that might not take place for 6-12 months or more. The reason being that she believes we have a solid case in the long run when the full hearing takes place, BUT in the emergency hearing the judge has extremely limited time to decide on the safety and therefore custody of the children. My statement to the judge details many of her abusive behaviors toward kids but my lawyer thinks that we do not have enough corroborating evidence from close friends that validate my points. After hearing this, I began pushing some of stbexBPDw's friends to speak up because many of them do know but are afraid to get involved and/or hurt stbexBPDw. Finally, a couple are stepping forward and have written very good statements supporting me.

Then Thursday evening, stbexBPDw went out and didn't come back until 6:05 in the morning right before she needed to wake up the kids. It was her morning to wake kids up and get them ready for school. I documented everything. But then I snooped and found out that stbexBPDw has been seeing someone for months now, and that they had gone out dancing into the whee hours and then she stayed the night with him.

I have documented things very well. I believe I have done a valiant effort here. In the long run I know I will prevail and hopefully even in the short run at the emergency hearing.

BUT I'm losing my usually strong self in these last two days. StbexBPDw's cheating on me hit a really strong nerve that I didn't realize could still be touched. Inside I rationally don't care but man it made me nauseous and I am getting mad when I see her... .I'm having a hard time holding back mean comments. I'm not the person to denigrate even after years of her abuse but it's just all too hard to hold back. I am still seeing my therapist and on Tuesday I will work with him on this. But until the temp orders are given I may have to spend another 1-3 months under the same roof with this truly dysfunctional human being who is ruining not just herself but all our lives in the process.

For those of you who have gone through this... .how did you cope?

LAT

[david]

Document everything you can. Work with your T on how to maintain composure. It does get better. My ex ran away with our boys so we weren't living together. That was a plus. The last few weeks of being together she tried daily, and more than once each day, to provoke me. I stayed calm but that is my nature.
Before she left my ss, her son from first marriage, had a surprise graduation party at his girlfriends. We went in separate cars because  ex couldn't stand me. When she left she made a parade of it. In front of me, I was seated, was the most drunk person there. He could hardly stand. My ex walked up to him and gave him a kiss. It was long and passionate. She then left. Another person at the party apologized for her behavior. I looked at him and said I wasn't sure why he was apologizing since I wasn't married to him. He then told me that the person she kissed was homosexual. I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down from my eyes. Ex later brought up the incident, I listened and simply explained the same thing I said to the other guest. I never told her his sexual orientation. I didn't see the need to. Still makes me laugh though.

[takingandsending]

Hi LightAfterTunnel.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Just keep reminding yourself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I just finished a 2.5 year process of divorce and am at 50/50 custody. There are a lot of low points, and you may not like how you feel about your STBx, and she is probably going to demonstrate more hurtful behaviors ... .towards you and the kids. But keep those kids as the focus. Don't lose sight of that. The money, infidelity, lying, etc. ... .it is very painful and damaging, but keeping my S7 and S13 foremost in my mind helped me have the strength I needed to be there for them. That's all you can really do. I wish it were easier.

I would ask your L some really specific questions now, like how much experience they have in trial (not settlements) with high conflict person involved, why they are retreating to 1-2 weekends per month for a temp order. I think ForeverDad can share how long those temp orders can be. Do you have a calendar prepared to show just how active a dad you have been in your kids' lives? Please have one ready for the emergency hearing. Have you considered the strategy of agreeing to a psych eval provided STBx does same, and if you go that route, have a choice of three evaluators that are competent with PD as choices? Is your L adequately providing or suggesting strategies v. filling out paperwork?

What I learned in my divorce was that I was my own worst enemy by being too passive. Basically, I spent 2.5 years responding to my xw's crisis thinking. I think if you are an active parent, i.e. take kids to activities, bathe, read, put to sleep, take to school, you are better to ask for more than 50% custody. I started out hoping for 50%, despite doing all of those things for my sons. I got weekends. It took me 2 years to get to 50% custody, and I had to basically buy off my xw in many different ways to get there. And she is still actively disputing my parent rights. I wish that I had gone in demanding 75% custody. Just my own thoughts.

[ForeverDad]

I had two temp orders, once when we separated.  It was about a half hour in length, ignored that she was facing a pending Threat of DV charge, ignored that I had temp possession of the residence and decided firmly in her favor... .She got full temp custody and I got alternate 72 hour weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.

Then after the protection claims were dismissed and just before the DV case was dismissed, I filed for divorce.  Once there were no parenting orders she totally blocked my parent-child contact, turned out to be over 3 months.  It took about 2 months for the divorce case to have its temp order hearing, was by the same magistrate in another half hour hearing and issued the second temp order pretty much the same as before, but this time I was to pay child support, retroactively to when I had filed.  Yes, this time we made sure he knew my parenting had been blocked for 3 months.  He said, "I'll fix that."  His 'fix' gave no consequences to her and no make-up time to me.

Generally the court doesn't care about the adult relationships and behaviors of the parents.  Morality concerns are virtually nonexistent in court.  You would have to document how the children were negatively impacted.  Then it would be up to the court to decide, in its disretion, whether those behaviors were 'actionable'.

Also, court views temporary orders as just that, temporary.  But in our experience, collectively our cases last somewhere between one and two years, some even longer.  Mine was a 2 year divorce but then each time back in court (Change of Circumstances for custody and later again seeking majority time) took about 17 months.  My court never admitted that my temp order was not very temporary.

Finally, beware of being too fair or too nice.  StbEx will not reciprocate and do the same for you.  Sadly, court won't care how nice you are nor how obstructionist your spouse is.  Eventually your court will get peeved at your spouse, maybe.  There's a saying, The parent behaving poorly seldom has consequences and the parent behaving well seldom gets credit.  What does count, perhaps not so much at first, is that the court comes to know you're not the complaining problem parent but the parent with practical solutions.

[livednlearned]

For those of you who have gone through this... .how did you cope?

Treat your self-care regimen like it's urgent medical attention. Expect to feel depressed and then take measures to offset it as much as possible. Talk to friends here about what you're going through, talk to friends, talk to a T. Get exercise, eat healthy, minimize as much stress in other parts of your life as you can. I told my employer I had a protracted family emergency and just saying it out loud was a relief.

I grew up reserved and emotionally aloof and if nothing else this hero's journey we go through taught me the therapeutic benefits of opening up to others.

This is temporary. Eventually things will settle and you'll see clearly what was so foggy before. The legal situation is tiresome and can really mess with your head. Take to heart the metaphor talkingandsending uses about this being a marathon not a sprint. Focus on moving forward while staying present in the moment.

If nothing else my experience taught me invaluable lessons about my own emotion management and self-care practices. All that effort you used trying to stay afloat in your marriage can now be used to take real care of yourself and your kids.

It can get so much better. Better than you can imagine right now. Things you can't even imagine will happen when you start communicating to yourself and the world that you are a priority and matter.

 

[worriedStepmom]

I'll second the question - do you feel confident that your lawyer is aggressive enough to fight this for you?

I am concerned that you've spent several months waiting for your ex to try mediation, and in that time she seems to have put lots of plans in place so that she wins and you and the kids lose.

You don't want this to become your new normal - that you are outmaneuvered because your lawyer is waiting on her to cooperate.  She's not going to cooperate.  Ever. 

You need a very aggressive lawyer, with a plan on how to win, and on how to mitigate in any temporary losses.  If you lose the temporary orders hearing, how do you get a hearing set sooner?  Under what circumstances can you file for a modification of the temporary orders hearing?

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi everyone,

A lot to write about and unfortunately not a lot of time. My days are constantly filled between phone calls to various psychologists, lawyers, teachers, documenting, running between offices and the bank, etc

Phew...

Thank you everyone for your responses. Every comment I am absorbing and processing and it all helps.

Since my last post, stbexBPDw had quite a fragile Sunday and I personally believe she was about to have an episode. Throughout the day she was getting more and more paranoid and she kept on confronting me saying “what is it that you want?” I would respond very honestly. You could see she was starting a downward spiral.

In the evening, when kids were asleep she confronted me again downstairs and said “you’re mean, you emotionally abuse me, you threaten me, I’m scared of you...you need to leave the house or I’m calling the police.” I responded “call the police” and I sat down.

After some minutes, I exited the house to neighbors in our village. They are nurses, one was a psychiatric nurse for 6 yrs while the other still is with 20+ yrs experience. They are aware of the situation and we had already discussed a possible intervention plan since she seemed to be increasing in her volatility. They came over with me. I began by stating to her “______, I don’t think you feel well, I’m worried about you, I am going to call an ambulance to help.” Where we are the ambulance medics have authority to remove someone for an immediate psych evaluation. Neighbors were within earshot but out of sight. She reacted with venom and then I said “______ and ______ are here too to speak with us all together.” StbexBPDw changed face and tone of voice in a split second! From there on it was scary...stbexBPDw immediately took out her iPhone and began recording, took house phone and called a friend who she put on speaker phone, and then eventually called her lawyer who told her to say nothing. Police were called by her but didn’t think there was anything to intervene on their part.

So much I could write about what happened...simple enough to say that the whole ordeal lasted 2 hrs and my neighbors were there long enough to get an idea of her and her mental state. The one with 20 yrs experience, who knows our family for the last 8 yrs, said she didn’t realize how far gone my stbexBPDw was. She said that it’s quite obvious that there is an underlying disturbance but what was most worrying to her was stbexBPDw’s extreme self control. What’s more stbexBPDw let it known that she knew that the ambulance had the authority to take her to the hospital for an evaluation...I didn’t even know that until a couple days prior. This means my stbexBPDw had already informed herself of this possibility and was prepared!

The following day, stbexBPDw started an open argument in front of children’s school as I dropped D5 off. Teacher was there and heard everything. StbexBPDw told the teacher that “I have stolen her money and that I may run away out of the country with the kids!” Later I found out that she called a mom and said “I was violent and she was scared of me” and if this wasn’t enough she added “I think he poisoned my coffee”. This mom apparently replied “I’ve known _____ for 8 yrs and he would never hurt you or the children.”

All is being documented and written up, I’m in contact with my psychologist and lawyer.

Then yesterday I was called by my lawyer that stbexBPDw and her lawyer filed an “extraordinary emergency request” for a hearing, which included a list of immediate actions they were asking for. They beat us to the punch...BUT the judge rejected the request in full! Lawyer told me that this is quite telling in itself and judge smells something afoul.

Our “extraordinary emergency request” will be hand delivered Monday by lawyer and she believes we will be granted an immediate hearing due to how much corroborating evidence has come in over the last days. (Many friends of hers are coming forward since they have heard about her recent behaviors and claims against me)

Much more to write but I’ll leave it at that...I’ll write more later.

LAT

[worriedStepmom]

I am so impressed with your planning.  That night could have devolved into something really awful, with you being arrested and detained overnight due to her false allegations, but you were prepared enough to nip that in the bud - and have witnesses!

Now she knows that you have a plan, she may not warn you next time when she's getting ready to file false claims with the police.  You might want to consider recording yourself whenever she is around.  Given that her legal claims have just been denied, I could see her trying to set you up so that she can try again with more 'evidence'.

Out of curiosity, when she asked "what is it that you want?", what do you say to her?

[livednlearned]

How smart of you to get your neighbors involved.

Hope you're hanging in there with all that's going on right now. The genie is out of the bottle for now, and it's hard to have so much uncertainty and change and volatility happening at once.

I hope you find some peace and calm while things play out LAT.

[ForeverDad]

Once the level of conflict has risen to the level of involving police and the court, I doubt there is any possibility of it reducing to a manageable level.

In my own case, we were separated within a week after I had called 911 and two officers responded.  I recall one officer asked me to hand my quietly sobbing preschooler over to his mother (he was clinging to me in my arms) and "step away".  I tried to obey but he shrieked and clung even tighter to me.  I look at the officer and shrugged, he stared at me for a long moment then said "work it out" and both left.  Months later when I told this to my newly hired divorce lawyer, a former policeman, he said they have a policy to separate the disputing couple in order to defuse the immediate incident.  If it hadn't been for my son's actions and reactions, I would have been carted off that day.  My son saved me that day.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Out of curiosity, when she asked "what is it that you want?", what do you say to her?

She’s asked this at least 5 times and possibly more than 10 times over the last couple weeks. I am not sure if she is repeating this because she really didn’t get it or because she’s recording me and trying to get me in trouble (she is continuously secretly recording everything).

So with that said I usually tell her exactly what I am thinking, ie I’m honest. However, depending on the situation I’ve responded in better tones at times more than others.

When she asked this particular time, I was quite exasperated and tired so I think I responded something on the order of “what do you mean what do I want? I asked you for a divorce. You refuse to give me it. You refused mediation. And now we’re about to go in front of a judge. You spent $10000 after hiding my bank card. You lie. You’re going around with another man. You are falsely accusing me of many things to many people...so what do you mean what do I want?”

“I intend to defend myself and our children. I’m asking the judge for primary custody and he can decide on percentages.”

I’ve stopped giving so much info now though because I think she just uses it against me when she can.

How smart of you to get your neighbors involved.

Actually this is just luck. I’m absolutely fortunate to have such wonderful and willing neighbors who care. I mean how many people have psych nurses next door, right? They were instrumental...I couldn’t have done it without them.

Thanks

Once the level of conflict has risen to the level of involving police and the court, I doubt there is any possibility of it reducing to a manageable level.

I agree wholeheartedly with this assessment.

Unfortunately, the court hearings are not going to be fast enough and I figure things will just escalate to police or ambulance. StbexBPDw is very very fragile right now. In fact I feel like she’s been in a permanent dissociation (is this a multiple personality?) since she received my lawyer’s original letter February 8th.

So my lawyer clarified that an “immediate” hearing will probably be between March 15-20. However, my stbexBPDw will receive the news of our request and the judge’s response on the 5th which mean probably 2 more weeks of this $&?

I cannot understand how they feel this method is helpful for children.

What worries me most right now are two things:

1) how will her lawyer react? He seems to me to be emotionally hooked by stbexBPDw. She’s gorgeous and she could win an Oscar with her poor abused wife routine...but he submitted their request with no substantiating evidence, plus the request was only about money. Wednesday he will find out I’m not the abuser, and that I have not only loads of evidence, but also many written declarations including two from her best friends.

2) how will stbexBPDw react? The cat’s soon to be let out of the box if it ain’t already. Plus how will she handle seeing her best friends’ statements? What’s more there is an accompanying list of people who can be contacted by the judge which includes many more close friends, hers and mutual.

I think there is a large chance the lawyer will be gone soon. And I’m very worried about my stbexBPDw having a psychotic episode...actually I really have no idea how she’ll react.

I will be getting the kids away from the house...that’s about all I’ve planned thus far.

LAT