Alienated son in crisis

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex has been working on alienating one of my children from me since even before we divorced.  Now, that child is 16, and I caught him smoking pot.  He told me that if I don't let him do what he wants, he will go to his father where there are no rules.  Of course I told him I will not allow illegal drug use in my home, and that running away to where he feels unrestricted is not the answer.  I explained, as I have to all my children previously, that cannabis is mind altering and addictive.  He said, sorry Mommy, and left to his father.  Since then, he has been sitting at his father's house all day watching TV, neglecting his schoolwork, and the other kids came back from a visit telling me he seemed dazed and out of it.  Meanwhile, my ex is using this as a way to get custody of him.  I texted my ex what is going on with our son, and he texted back saying that I am controlling and crazy etc.  He refuses to discuss our son other than to tell me "Son doesn't want to live with you anymore, and I don't blame him!" It has been a week now, and I am very worried about my son.  Any advice?

[talking rose]

My ex has been working on alienating one of my children from me since even before we divorced.  Now, that child is 16, and I caught him smoking pot.  He told me that if I don't let him do what he wants, he will go to his father where there are no rules.  Of course I told him I will not allow illegal drug use in my home, and that running away to where he feels unrestricted is not the answer.  I explained, as I have to all my children previously, that cannabis is mind altering and addictive.  He said, sorry Mommy, and left to his father.  Since then, he has been sitting at his father's house all day watching TV, neglecting his schoolwork, and the other kids came back from a visit telling me he seemed dazed and out of it.  Meanwhile, my ex is using this as a way to get custody of him.  I texted my ex what is going on with our son, and he texted back saying that I am controlling and crazy etc.  He refuses to discuss our son other than to tell me "Son doesn't want to live with you anymore, and I don't blame him!" It has been a week now, and I am very worried about my son.  Any advice?

[Mutt]

Hi talking rose,

That’s a tough situation, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I was going through something similar it’s painful and frustrating when your child is alienated from you. He is 16 years old court may say that he’s old enough to decide. I’m Canadian but I’m sure other members with more experience can help you there.

I made the mistake of waiting for D12 to turn around and the longer été was at mom’s mom was going to get custody because of where she was living. I’d suggest to start court procedures now rather than later.

Your exH is supporting something that a judge will frown down on it’s not exactly being a good example to your S16.

[talking rose]

Thank you Mutt.
The only reason why I am hesitant to start court proceedings is because I am worried that it will feed my son's attempt at deflecting the situation away from his behavior and onto me and his father.  My only concern right now is to get my son the help he needs, and I think that filing for his father being in contempt of court will just delay that.  In fact, I think that if I do nothing and just sit still, my son will come back faster than if I tried to get him back through court.  I know this can't last long, he will get into a fight with his father and be back by me.  But my concern is that he is on a very scary path towards addiction.  And his father is encouraging it!  It is so insane.
And the reason I am posting on this board is because I think it is the only place where people can relate to having a coparent who is actively trying to fight you, even at the expense of the child's well being. 
I am also concerned because throughout this incident, my son is showing signs of BPD.  I know that addiction can present like BPD, and I am praying it is his current situation and not his personality that is making him act this way. But I am scared.

[ForeverDad]

Is this something the county's social services or children's protective services can intervene with, especially since it appears schoolwork has been impacted?  The drugs are illegal for a minor... .

[talking rose]

I am not sure.  If I report this to CPS, I have no idea what they will do with it.  I am worried they will not see through the lies and manipulation of my ex and son.

[ForeverDad]

The dilemma is that in less than two years your son will be a legal Adult and there's little or no legal choices then.  (If he turns 18 before he finishes high school, maybe you'll have some short continuing influence or authority, I just don't know.)  So you have limited time to do something, whatever that may be.

I agree you'd probably face Denials.  Face it, they're not likely to be willing to admit to poor behaviors.  (Hey, even reasonably normal people have difficulty with that.)  So your alternative is to have documentation of what you state has been happening.  When I separated I knew my ex would Deny wrongdoing and Project her behaviors as mine.  So during those months and going forward I quietly recorded many interactions with her to prove (1) what I stated later and (2) as insurance to document I wasn't the one behaving poorly.

I recall that when my son was about 3 years old and his mother was ranting and raging frequently, I called CPS (twice, months apart) and I didn't have to leave my name.  I asked for help about that and the big question was, "Is she raging at the child?"  When I replied I was the target I was then told, "Call back if she rages at him."  Clearly exposure to raging wasn't 'actionable'.  Anyway, that was my experience, so I doubt consulting and asking some questions of CPS, children's services or a family law attorney won't take you down a path you regret.

[livednlearned]

Smoking pot is his solution to a problem he's trying to solve. It's a poor solution, but it's his best attempt to deal with something -- he hasn't found other ways to deal with this problem that work for him. 

If you turn his solution into the problem, it will only invalidate and (probably) alienate him further.

You can still validate him without selling out your values. What do you think about validating his pain and letting him know what you will and will not do?

"You must be feeling something so overwhelming that pot is preferable to any pain you're experiencing. My concern is that weed won't address the underlying pain so it's only ever temporary at making you feel better. Would you be willing to talk to someone in confidence to try and work out what you're going through? I will help you find someone willing to listen, someone you can talk to in confidence. Because of my values, I will not allow pot to be smoked here in my home. I will help you find someone to talk to and see if there are better alternatives to help manage anxiety or sadness. Let's also see if we can come up with a plan to make sure you graduate from high school on time."

It might also help to talk to a counselor yourself -- my son is troubled and it's a work in progress to get him to take care of himself. But at the very least, he trusts me and knows I have his back. We do not agree on how he copes (video games) but he knows I have empathy for the pain he is trying to manage and that has created a strong bond while he struggles to right himself.