My younger sister has BPD

[Grape]

I only just came across this page, and it's a relief to see that there are others that can relate to what I'm going through.

My younger sister was diagnosed with BPD just before Christmas this year, and it explains a lot. She's 22, I'm 25 and we also have a younger sister. It's making our whole family dynamic really difficult. She has always struggled a lot with stuff, and it's taken a lot of attention from our parents. I don't know whether it is directly because of this, but I've always been super independent as the oldest child. Growing up there was so much anger and conflict in my family, and I really couldn't deal with it, so moving out was a relief. I am finding it really hard to go visit though. I mean, I'm not close to my parents anyway, so that's already awkward, but I can get along with my parents when I go home if my sister is not there, but if she is home, I am dreading being there. I can't deal with it.

I walk on egg shells, everything she says annoys me, and I know I'm supposed to be calm and deescalate conflicts but it just feels so unfair. Every time there is a conflict, she will use her "illness" as an excuse. I do understand that it makes life more difficult for her, but it's like she is not even trying. It makes me even more angry, because I also have anxiety and depression, but I do not blame that in conflicts. It feels like she is the only one who gets a free pass for her behaviour, whereas I am held fully responsible for mine.

My mum talks to my sister on the phone several times a day. My sister is so dependant on mum (and mum loves it), but also treats her horribly. When I come home I get fed up of seeing how she talks to mum, so I talk back to her, which inevitably leads to conflicts. I am also given a lot of responsibility for my sister, because of being her older sister, and it's too much for my mental health to handle. I feel so guilty for not being able to make it work when we are both home at the same time, and I often worry that she will commit suicide or that what I do will tip her over the edge.

When I am away I constantly feel like I should message her and see how she is, and be supportive of her, but the thought of it just fills me with dread. Although we get on well over skype and messages, having to be there and be aware of all her struggles is too much for my mental health to handle. I can't face it. She always tells me all the dark stuff she is going through, and it is so painful to listen to, yet she doesn't ask me how I am. So often I avoid talking to her because it's too much, but then I feel guilty and have this constant fear that she will commit suicide or hurt herself, and that me not checking on her would be a contributing factor. I do love her, even though we can't quite make things work.

I think I only recently started to realise how this contributes to my own depression and anxiety, so I guess I'm wondering if people can relate, and how you take care of yourselves in the midst of it all?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Grape, 

I'm glad you came here to share your story with us. We definitely get it. I'm sure that as you take time to read and explore both the materials and posts, you will find others here who have similar stories to yours. 

You are brave to come here and to let us know how your are struggling in your relationship with your sibling. I think it's pretty normal, given the circumstances, that each of the things you described say you are a person who takes an honest look at themselves and looks for how you can make positive changes. Often we only consider such changes to be "others" directed, but indeed it is absolutely necessary that you show kindness towards yourself and put you first. Without it, you will burn out and not be able to see where you begin and your sibling ends. You are uniquely you.

With that thought in mind, in what ways do you think you can help yourself and shine the light on you for now? Self awareness is what I am hoping to share with you.

 
Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi Grape

I'm joining Wools our favorite llama in welcoming you to our online community

It can be very tough indeed dealing with a BPD sibling, that can really take its toll on you. Your sister was diagnosed just before Christmas, what led up to her getting this diagnosis at that particular time?

Now that she's diagnosed, is she getting any kind of targeted treatment for her issues?

... I often worry that she will commit suicide or that what I do will tip her over the edge.
... .
... .but then I feel guilty and have this constant fear that she will commit suicide or hurt herself, and that me not checking on her would be a contributing factor.

Has your sister as far as you know ever made any attempt to physically harm herself?

You are also dealing with your own depression and anxiety. Many of our members have struggled with the same things. Are you currently getting help/treatment for your depression and anxiety?

The Board Parrot