Husband met 7 criteria for BPD diagnosis. He's scared and feels "broken"

[Christine84]

Hello! I am new here, and my husband is in the process of getting a full psychological evaluation for what is most likely BPD and possible anxiety and depression to go along with it. We met with a new marriage counselor who did an informal evaluation, and he met 7 of the qualifiers for BPD. It makes so much sense, but he is very scared and feels like a "freak" and "broken". A little history, I have dealt with his BPD symptoms for the last 14 years. 4 years ago, I found out he had been unfaithful our entire relationship, with at least 12 women, 3 of which were my friends. It was reckless, and he joined a Sex Addicts Anonymous group and say a counselor, I also joined an intensive therapy group for Wives of Sex Addicts that lasted 14 weeks. We made it past the infidelity, the BPD symptoms subsided a bit, however the past 3 years they have gradually reared their head again... .however I did not know there was a label for them. In the mean time, I am researching all over the internet, praying, and just started the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells". He does not want word getting out to our friends of this possible diagnosis, but still wants to make sure I have people to talk to and lean on during this time. I have 4 friends from my previous therapy group, and a coworker that does not know him that I am leaning on right now. I figured these online support groups were a good place to start. I feel relief for the possibility of help for him. He feels like he is spiraling downward after last night... .no relief really at all for him. He is supposed to be calling to schedule the full psychological evaluation today, and we are set to see our marriage counselor next week again. Our counselor also worked for many years in  Dialectical Behavior Therapy and is quite familiar with BPD, so I feel like it is total fate that we found her. Any advice for us during this time of limbo... .any ways I can support my husband through this uncertainty?

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[zachira]

You would like some advice on how to help your husband get through this difficult time in which he feels overwhelmed by finding out in MC that he has a lot of mental health issues/behavioral challenges that need to be treated if he is to get better and your marriage to survive. First of all, it is important to give him lots of pats on the back for being willing to go to MC in the first place, able to hear what some of his mental health challenges are, agreeing to go for an evaluation, and seek treatment. It takes a lot of courage to face challenges with mental illness and long histories of destructive behaviors. It is important for his therapist to let him know that at times he will feel worse, and there is light at the end of the tunnel: he will feel happier and a lot better if he does get long term treatment. You are a caring wife wanting to find out how you can best support your husband when he does get emotionally overwhelmed, and I am sure the therapists you are working with will have some suggestions on how you can best support your husband while he practices self soothing skills learned in treatment. Right now, your husband is likely worried that you may leave him, and telling him how much you care about him and your marriage may help to relieve some of his anxiety. What are some of the things that you and your husband enjoy doing together? Doing more of some of these activities may help him feel more secure and less overwhelmed. I admire your courage for facing such difficult challenges in your marriage. Do keep us posted and let us know how we can help. We are to here to listen and support you in the more difficult times and also to share in your joy in the little steps along the way that make such a big difference in the end.

[radoe]

I like the book
I hate you
don't leave me

My wife liked it too, it explained her life for the first time

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome Christine,

How are you doing with getting a diagnosis? How is your husband doing after a couple days? I can imagine he has a lot of emotions going on right now, but it sounds like you both have an amazing support system in place to help you begin working through everything.

The one thing your husband probably needs the most right now is knowing that you will not leave him. Like you said, he feels broken. This can lead to intense feelings of rejection. If he realizes BPD is uncurable this could lead to depression. When he talks about these feelings what are you saying? A suggestion would be to use supportive, validating questions and language.

So for instance, if he says "There's something wrong with me. I'll never be normal." You could say something along the lines of:
What does that feel like to you? What are you most afraid of? What kind of support would you like from me?
or
I know this new diagnosis is scary. I want you to know that you are important to me and I'm going to be right here with you, walking through it all.

This site has lots of tools for how you can begin to change the way to respond to your H so that you can show him that you are on his side and not against him.