When others seek to 'reassure' us

[Mirsa]

I was writing a reply to another post, and realized this might be a topic in and of itself:  How do you feel when someone who doesn't understand BPD seeks to 'reassure' you?  

I've realized that I feel annoyed and invalidated.  Whenever someone hears a bit of the story with my BPD 17yoDD they tend to say things that I think are intended to be reassuring, or maybe placating?  They might say, "People can change."  "She's young!  This is just a phase."  "Give it a few years, it will be different."    "She'll grow out of it."

I'm actually a professional educator with 23 years experience in secondary education, so I'm really confident in my assessment.   I know my daughter's behavior is not just normal adolescent behavior.  Therapists confirm BPD diagnosis.  We are well outside of the normal range of behavior.  She's been like this in one way or another since she was three years old!  There is a family pattern of 'difficult personalities'  (my mother, grandfather, and now a 3yo cousin).  

I don't really want to get into all that with someone who doesn't really understand it, but I have to confess:  statements like this from people who don't get it are annoying.  They feel trite.  I feel invalidated.  I DON'T need to be reassured, thanks very much.  It's NOT going to get better!  This is who she is and probably who she always will be.  I am grieving the daughter I will never have dammit; don't tell me it's going to get better when it's been hell for 18 years!  My idea of 'better' for her is still a helluva lot lower than your college-bound success story.  

I don't say any of these thoughts or share these emotions with these well-meaning folks.  These people need me to not do so.  Somehow, our conversation has become more about THEIR need for... .what exactly?  Why do people feel the need to pretend that there is anything normal about this?  Don't they realize how diminishing that is?  How it makes me question my own reality and judgement?  How I've been living with people who gaslight on a regular basis, and the last thing I need from a 'sympathetic' acquaintance is to be told that I'm wrong about my own child?  Do they think I don't know her, haven't lived 18 years with her, struggled with her, bore her, nursed her, took her to multiple inpatient visits and therapy sessions, washed her self-inflicted cuts... .what, do they think I'm just another frustrated mom with a teenage daughter?  

So, that's my rant.  Thanks for listening.  And please don't tell me, "Oh, all teenage girls are like that with their mothers."  We are so far past that point... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I can totally relate to what you are saying, Mirsa. People who don't understand BPD do say stupid things. I think they are mostly well meaning. They just don't know. It is invalidating and frustrating. My pet peeve is those who recommend "tough love" as a solution not realizing that is often the worst approach. I chalk it up to the general ignorance around this disease. Depression, even bipolar disorder are more understood than BPD.  Fortunately we do have each other. People in this group get it. Hang in there.

[Huat]

It's me again, Mirsa.

I so hear what you are saying.  For me, that is why I am HERE.

When the chips have been really down for me and I have had the need to vent to someone/anyone, I usually found I was met with... .silence.   I'm sure because my story is so different from theirs with their "normal" offspring, they are left dumbfounded, just don't know what to say.  Whatever!  It hurts and is so embarrassing when there is silence.  "Reflective listening" is an art.  Giving validation is so important!

I hear the anger in your post.  Not a bad thing!  It took me so, so long to get really angry... .and stay angry.  While some would look at that as being a burden, for me it has been empowering.

I am in my mid-70's... .my daughter is 52.  She first ran away when she was just 12... .a serial killer of teens at work in our area.  Hell for any parent to live through but just the start.   I've documented my story well in my time here so won't go into it again.  Perhaps, just perhaps, had I not allowed myself to be a victim for so long, things would be different now.  Part of my defense is the fact that grandchildren were involved... .loves of our lives... .convenient pawns she could use to keep us in line. 

One other defense is that way-back-then there was not the information available that there is now.  Our daughter was looked upon as head-strong... .a teenager sowing her wild oats.  Mental illness?  Never thought of!

I'm glad you are here, Mirsa.  Each one of us is on a personal journey.  Each one of us at different stages.   Hope you keep "ranting" (your words) because as well as this being an outlet for you, helpful for others to read.

Huat