Should I sneak out or tell her I am leaving her

[Dazedconfused66]

  I need to leave I am just not sure how. Our story goes back over 20 years. I have been put in a position where I am the only one that works and am supporting her adult son who is in jail and her two grandchildren. She has been physically violent in the past so I am afraid if I tell her I am leaving she might hurt me. On the other hand that was a long time ago and I don't want to leave the kids homeless with her? I am so lost and depressed is am understatement. I feel like I have no energy left to do anything. Please help. Should I sneak out or tell her I am leaving her?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SunandMoon]

 I'm sorry things are so bad for you Dazedconfused66 and glad you have reached out for help.

In cases of domestic violence your safety is the first priority. If you want to leave and are afraid she will become violent, just leave quietly and get yourself to a safe place first.

Don't tell her where you are - no contact is probably the best move until you feel a bit better. When you are somewhere safe, search for domestic violence resources in your area. There's sure to be a helpline you can call and they can help you plan your next steps and give you advice.

It sounds like you are exhausted, so take care of yourself first. Things will get better!

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you posted and reached out for help.

Safety is always a priority and part of that means having a plan in place so you can leave, if needed, in a safe way.  Do you have a plan?  If not, check out this:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf  I hope you find it useful.  We can help you with it as well.

How long ago was her last episode of physical violence?  Can you share some details so we have a better idea of what happened?  Tell us about her grandkids.  Do you have family or friends who would be able to help you out?

Leaving a relationship, especially when you are scared, is not something to be done suddenly if it can be avoided.  The more details you share the more we can help you make good choices.  

[Dazedconfused66]

The last episode of any physical violence was about a month ago. She was mad and I locked myself in my office. She found the key and came in and slapped me in the face then forced me out of the house. It was the first time in a few years that she had been physical with me. She is 19 years older than me and her children are close to my age. We seen each other on and off since I was 16 years old. We have been together officially for about 8 years now. During these years there has never been a time when I haven't supported someone in her family. Her ex husband was really sick and he even lived with us for over a year. He has since passed. Her son went to jail and we have had the grandkids for 3 years now. She lets the youngest one 8 years old get away with everything. He has tackled me to the ground and spit in my face telling me that it is not my house. The older on 11 years old is not her blood and gets treated like he is only there to jump for the whims of the 8 year old. So in a way I am dealing with two of them. Her and the youngest grandson. He is 8 but he weighs about 30lbs. less than I do and is almost as tall as I am. He can be really scary. His rages mean that things get broken and people get hurt but she doesn't think he has a problem. My family all support me leaving her and all of my friends do too. She hasn't worked for nearly 7 years now. She had been laid off and we agreed that with just the two of us my income was enough. Soon after that she started adding people to support and expecting me to keep up. So now I feel stuck with her with no job and raising grandkids. I feel overwhelming guilt at wanting to leave. We don't have much of a relationship left. No physical intimacy for almost two years, no affection, and most of the time she is ignoring the fact that I exist or angry at me, or telling me that I am stupid. If I leave her without telling her ahead of time I don't know what she will do especially with the kids but if I tell her so she could have time to figure things out I am afraid it will become violent. I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

[Harri]

I am concerned that her DV (domestic violence) was recent and that her grandchild is also acting out physically against you.  It would be good if you contact a local DV center for some help with this, just to discuss options and strategies that might help.  Can you do that for me?  You can also get help on a text line by texting 741-741.   

Did you have a chance to look at the safety first link I gave you?

What do you do when the 8 year old attacks you like that?  Are you able to get away from him? 

If I leave her without telling her ahead of time I don't know what she will do especially with the kids but if I tell her so she could have time to figure things out I am afraid it will become violent. I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

This is where having a safety plan is vital.   Please check it out.

[Dazedconfused66]

I usually just protect my body and face and wait. He hasn't really hurt me he is just a little scary. He has started taking his anger out on objects lately. He breaks things. Lately he just yells and calls me names. I will look at the link and I will text that number. I have just been so tired and I realized that this life has become normal for me which scares me the most. Most of the time I feel like I don't have the energy to leave.

[Harri]

I am glad that you protect yourself. 

I can hear the weariness in your posts.  please muster the enegery to follow the link and text.  We can halp support and guide you too but it is best for you to get as much support as possible and real life support that is knowledgeable about DV is vital.

Can you let us know how you make out after you text 741-741?  I can set you up with additional resources as well. 

[Dazedconfused66]

I am so tired sometimes. Emotionally exhausted. I did look at the link. I can print it out at work and leave it with my mom. I will text that number today. It is hard at home because if my phone makes any noise she wants to see it. I feel so stupid. I am a nurse and I have been in psych for about 3 years now. Why is it just hitting me now that how she treats me is not ok. How this is not normal. I am almost 40. I feel like she has ruled my entire adulthood. I feel like I have been asleep and am waking up to a nightmare reality that I cannot find a way to escape. Am I stupid for letting her use me for 20 years?

[GaGrl]

So you began seeing a 35 year old woman when you were 16 years old?

You need NOT beat yourself up about what you are seeing and realizing now. She has influenced your formative years and shaped your view of many things.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am going to agree with Gagrl and say that you were far too young when this all started to get down on yourself.  Something similar (young age and continuing into adulthood) has haunted me so I get it but really, you can't look back and second guess yourself based on knowledge you only have now.