Stepson with BPD & T1D control the family

[Sophie13]

This is my first post so here goes... .my almost 18 YO SS has T1D as well as bipolar, ODD and most recently dx with BPD.  SS rules the home.  Dad works a lot and bio mom (who is remarried with lil ones) lives close, but is parenting from afar because her hsb doesn't get along with ss.  I am step mom and have been married almost 4 years to dad.  My 2 kids (9 & 12) live with us as does ss & sd.  I have a great relationship with my 2 stepkids, one is with us (20) and the other is with bio mom (15).  SS(BPD) has had multiple suicide attempts, skips school, non compliant with T1D, basically thinks he can do what he wants when he wants.  If you say anything he will trigger and go off.  police have been to our house at least 10 times over the last 3 years.  the most recent, he attacked me by body checking me and shoving me and threw objects at me.  The 9 year old was witness.  911 called and police (3 cars) and ambulance came and ss was hospitalized and sent to behavioral hospital for adolescents, but discharged him after 10 days.  Dad is "caregiver" and enabler.  He himself had a rough childhood (mother abandoned them) and vows to not do the same to his kids.  He still has issues with the ex and how she left (married paramour).  Honestly our relationship was perfect until ss moved in.  I love ss but now I feel me and the kids are at risk.  We are staying at my parents for now.  My hsb has tried every avenue of help for ss, but not one residential placement will take a T1D... .too much liability I suppose.  I love my husband but need to keep us safe.  My hsb refuses to discuss any options that could relate to ss leaving the home eventually.  Did I mention that ss told CPS that I am abusing him?  I am not worried and actually work in the social service field.  My hsb feels that I have abandoned him and I am afraid if I go back and something happens again my ex will take the kids for their safety.  One of my suggestions was to live separately until ss decides to move out eventually after maturing and getting a little older.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want a divorce but I feel we are in limbo.  Any feedback or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  So happy I found somewhere to vent at least.          

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Sophie13 

I'd like to welcome you to BPD Family! I'm so sorry for what has brought you here but I'm glad you found us. This is a safe place to vent, non-judgmental, we can relate better than anyone else can. 

I'm so sorry to hear that your SS has been physical with you, you've removed yourself and your children from the family home to keep you all safe. This sounds like a very difficult situation for everyone. Your safety comes first.

Were there any legal consequences for his violence toward you? When my daughter pushed me when she was 15, I insisted that she be charged with assault. The responding police thought I was overreacting but obliged. Yes, your SS has a mental illness but that doesn't give him a free pass to be violent with others.

My advice to you is to learn all you can about BPD, we have many articles here that will help you understand the reasons for some of the behaviors of a pwBPD (person with BPD). You say your DH refuses to discuss any options that could relate to ss leaving the home eventually, but is he open to discussing BPD in general? In other words, is he accepting of the diagnosis and willing to talk about it?

I'm so sorry that I don't have any quick answers for you, Sophie but I'm really glad you're here.

~ OH

[Sophie13]

Thank you!  DH is open to BPD dx and learning more. Ss is supposed to be charged with domestic battery. The police told his parents to bring him in for the process. We are looking into some family counseling to talk about our feelings, boundaries and a safety plan if things get it of control again. I definitely want to go home. It’s sort of a wait and see right now.

[Only Human]

Great to hear that things are moving forward, Sophie!

Hopefully, your SS will be held accountable for his behavior. Family counseling is a great idea and coming up with a safety plan is definitely a priority.

It's good your DH is accepting of the dx and is open to learning more. We have lots and lots of articles here that I trust more than any of the stuff I've read by googling. I encourage you to dig in, at your own pace - it can be overwhelming.

A good place to start is the thread pinned to the top of this board. Here's a direct link:

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

You may want to begin with the Feature Articles, listed toward the middle of the first post. The link to the article, Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG), goes to a page with several articles; the article on Fear, Obligation, and Guilt is located on the left side, three articles down. I recommend this article because your post title says your SS controls the family.

Here's an excerpt:

Controlling behavior and being controlled is a transaction between two people with both playing a part -- the "controller" and the "controlled". For the controller, the role is having dysfunctional psychological defenses and coping mechanisms.  For the controlled, the role is providing an enabling reaction to these dysfunctional reactions.

The transaction has four parts: the demand, the resistance, pressure and threats, and compliance.

The Demand  This can be direct (e.g., "I don't want your mother coming here") or indirect ("Nothing’s wrong. I know you don’t have time to listen to my petty problems") by the controller.

The Resistance  Objection to the demand at some level by the controlled.

Pressure and Threats  Pressure and threats can be subtle or quite direct (see "Common Control Scenarios", below) by the controller.

Compliance   "Giving in" by the controlled to the pressure and threats and doing something uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing.

Have a look and come back here to discuss or ask any questions.

~ OH

[livednlearned]

Hi Sophie13,

I'm a step parent too. My SD21 is not violent like your SS18, tho she's bipolar/BPD and life is rough when she lives with us or visits.

There are many options to explore and skills to learn before considering divorce or abandoning a child, altho I know when things feel upside-down it can feel like all or nothing. Keep following your instincts -- they are good! They led you to take measures to keep you and your kids safe. They led you here.

You are stabilizing a tough situation and building strength. My experience in a blended family with a BPD/bipolar child is that I had to be the emotional leader. H is wonderful and has a good head on his shoulder and he was not able to see clearly the dysfunction when it came to SD21. I had to learn the skills we both needed and stabilize the relationship for the two of us.

H could not have boundaries with SD21 so I had to have boundaries with H. Boundaries are limits we assert for ourselves, something we have control over (versus trying to change how someone else behaves).

H and I started by meeting with a couples counselor AND a child psychologist who helped H understand why having no boundaries was dangerous for SD21. Therapists were able to demonstrate how boundaries provide safety and love and structure for SD21 and we both came away with specific phrases and some exercises to help us implement these new behaviors.

I found that many of the skills we discuss here for dealing with BPD sufferers were ones I needed to first apply to H (in no way BPD) because his own boundaries were so weak with SD21.

The skills are not intuitive and must be learned. That's what we work on here 

[Sophie13]

I completely agree. I too have a lot to learn and do want to be a source of support for my ss. I am going to engulf myself into this site as it appears to be an excellent resource.