Experienced in ’splitting’? Older Sis Treats Me Like Her Daughter

[Depression = 72% of members]

  This is my first post. I spent a few hours in here last night, reading about other peoples BPD traumas and solutions. It helped in calming me down from a really bad dinner with my uBPD/ uNPD sister.

We have a long history of mental abuse, where she will punish me, shout, scream and yell at me if I don’t do or say as she wishes me to. As kids she would kick, punch or push me, or threat to throw my friends out the window from upstairs. (Projection/ jealousy?) She is just two years older than me, and has somehow regarded me as her doll/ baby. When she is lashing out on me she talks as if I’m her daughter.

I’m currently in a controlled process with my T trying to break out of the abuse. I’m the only one in uBPDs life that gets the entire verbal trash can from her. My T names the abuse as
projection, identified projection and splitting. My two older aspie siblings never get the splitting treatment. It’s a classic with uBPDs communication; I say I’m postive about something, and then uBPDs says she hates it - even though she adores it. It can be about gifts I give her, compliments I give to others, or when I moan about bad behaviour from people she don’t know. She will always be on the other side of my opinions. We’re like a constant yin-yang. Sometimes I play with her to make her reveal her stand first, agrees with her - and stand by amazed when she disagrees. It’s one of those bizarre moments that proves to me that it’s not me that is the lost cause here.

 I know from therapy that uBPDs made the chose around the age of 2, to be on our abusive uNPD/ uASPD/ uHPD fathers side, rather than against him. She considered it to be safer, as a primitive defense technique. It has since stuck with her, and as a result I am her constant culprit and victim no.1. It was me our father was losing it over when she was 2, and I was newborn. She wanted our kind moms attention, but I guess I - the baby - was prioritized to protect and shield, and uBPDs was left to be cared for by our antisocial narssisist aspie dad. She wasn’t born uBPDs. None of us are to blame for the cause, except our dad perhaps?

My greatest concern at the moment is that uBPDs is pregnant. My battle and agenda is to remove the ’daughter’ role my uBPDs has put me in, so that she can be focusing on being a mom to her child. I’m of course worried about how the childraising will all pan out in the end. But I’ve concluded that the way to save her progress towards maturity, is to give birth, and to work on putting someone elses needs before herself. She is not yet married, but happily engaged. I’m predicting that her in-laws will see her true colours once the knot has been tied. She is putting on an act for her MIL so far, trying to be the perfect DIL. I can see signs of her fiance putting down boundaries for her. So that’s good. She respects him. Although, last night she devaluated him to me and my mom over dinner. I get sad for him when she does that. She devaluated her entire network of friends and colleagues in one rant. Neither I or my mom agreed to her devaluating concluions.

Then, I was devaluated.   In an aggressive (projective) tone. I knew I would panic at some point when seeing her yesterday. I know that it isn’t helping to debate or defend if I want to keep things calm. But my mission is to end her idea of me as her perfect blame victim. If I can make her dreading seeing me because I might embarres her, or say truthful bad things to her face (devaluate) she might cut the cord to seeing me as ’hers’. Does anyone have any experience on this? I went aggressive back to her, offended her lifestyle, crushed her opinions about her success. I saw that it got to her, and told her so. She said her negative opinions about me weren’t personal, and that I was being unfair. I smiled, and said ’does it sting? This is how I feel when you attack me’. We were in public, at a restaurant. She couldn’t physically attack me, because I know how much social status means to her. The staff heard us, and I noticed a couple at an other table got uncomfortable and alerted. I never lash out. My abusive father has inadvertedly taught me how to read body language in a split second. I have a high level of empathy - like my mom. It’s difficult for me to feel angry, to set boundaries, to attack - without feeling horrible afterwards. After my verbal attack we went quiet, she striked one of those end to this dicussion/ end to this relationship type of sentences. It got to me. An unusually chipper waitress came with our food. I recognised her role, it is usually mine (overcompensating). I stared down my plate, picked up the cutlery and noticed I was shaking uncontrollably. Next thing I remember is that I’m sitting on the floor of a bathroom cubicle, hyperventilating. I was scared of passing out, lost the feeling of my hands and legs. Couldn’t remember the breathing techniques I’ve been practising. My mom came in. I can’t remember too much. I was having one of my worst panic attacks ever. Later I managed to control my breathing and my legs, and quickly returned to my seat, staring at my plate, my phone, the staff, the floor.  
- My uBPDs eyes can be incredibly witchful sometimes, and we have a bit of that HarryPotter/ Voldemort telepathy thing that makes us feel/ see/ know eachothers fears/ pain when in eyecontact. The sweet overcompensating waitress interrupted the haltering conversations three times more, before asking about dessert. I felt she was there for me. My uBPDs was lashing out on mom, and then starting the neative rant about people she love. The rest of it was played out like an act, that felt unreal to me - I think it was the panic aftermath that slowed down my senses, and made everything in slow-motion and far away. I had a panic pill that removed my concerned thought process, and fell calm enough to sleep after reading at the forums in here for almost two hours.

  So, what I’m asking is; what are your experience with splitting, and ending micromanaging manipulation? Does it have to be NC? I am trying to achieve LC, and only with buffers present. After all this abuse I feel I deserve to see her married, meet her unborn child, and be present at other family events without any major scenes or drama. I want her to meet me like a stranger. Not like a sister. She’s friendlier to strangers than to family.

She is also doing triangulation with our other siblings. I’ve stopped doing that years ago, and stopped caring about it last year when I learned that they don’t know how to feel empathy beause of their asperger. One of them also have uAntisocialPD. It’s tricky. He can be dangerous at times, without realising. Like my dad. I think I have to stop comparing my family to others. I’d love to have a well functioning family, with lots of compassion and love. But there isn’t any. I have NC with my uNPD dad. I have LC with my uASPD brother. I have some contact with aspie sister. I’m best friends with our mom. My plan is to have children a create my own compassionate family, only allowing in mom and aspie sister.  

[AbsurdAbusedSis]

  This is my first post. I spent a few hours in here last night, reading about other peoples BPD traumas and solutions. It helped in calming me down from a really bad dinner with my uBPD/ uNPD sister.

We have a long history of mental abuse, where she will punish me, shout, scream and yell at me if I don’t do or say as she wishes me to. As kids she would kick, punch or push me, or threat to throw my friends out the window from upstairs. (Projection/ jealousy?) She is just two years older than me, and has somehow regarded me as her doll/ baby. When she is lashing out on me she talks as if I’m her daughter.

I’m currently in a controlled process with my T trying to break out of the abuse. I’m the only one in uBPDs life that gets the entire verbal trash can from her. My T names the abuse as
projection, identified projection and splitting. My two older aspie siblings never get the splitting treatment. It’s a classic with uBPDs communication; I say I’m postive about something, and then uBPDs says she hates it - even though she adores it. It can be about gifts I give her, compliments I give to others, or when I moan about bad behaviour from people she don’t know. She will always be on the other side of my opinions. We’re like a constant yin-yang. Sometimes I play with her to make her reveal her stand first, agrees with her - and stand by amazed when she disagrees. It’s one of those bizarre moments that proves to me that it’s not me that is the lost cause here.

 I know from therapy that uBPDs made the chose around the age of 2, to be on our abusive uNPD/ uASPD/ uHPD fathers side, rather than against him. She considered it to be safer, as a primitive defense technique. It has since stuck with her, and as a result I am her constant culprit and victim no.1. It was me our father was losing it over when she was 2, and I was newborn. She wanted our kind moms attention, but I guess I - the baby - was prioritized to protect and shield, and uBPDs was left to be cared for by our antisocial narssisist aspie dad. She wasn’t born uBPDs. None of us are to blame for the cause, except our dad perhaps?

My greatest concern at the moment is that uBPDs is pregnant. My battle and agenda is to remove the ’daughter’ role my uBPDs has put me in, so that she can be focusing on being a mom to her child. I’m of course worried about how the childraising will all pan out in the end. But I’ve concluded that the way to save her progress towards maturity, is to give birth, and to work on putting someone elses needs before herself. She is not yet married, but happily engaged. I’m predicting that her in-laws will see her true colours once the knot has been tied. She is putting on an act for her MIL so far, trying to be the perfect DIL. I can see signs of her fiance putting down boundaries for her. So that’s good. She respects him. Although, last night she devaluated him to me and my mom over dinner. I get sad for him when she does that. She devaluated her entire network of friends and colleagues in one rant. Neither I or my mom agreed to her devaluating concluions.

Then, I was devaluated.   In an aggressive (projective) tone. I knew I would panic at some point when seeing her yesterday. I know that it isn’t helping to debate or defend if I want to keep things calm. But my mission is to end her idea of me as her perfect blame victim. If I can make her dreading seeing me because I might embarres her, or say truthful bad things to her face (devaluate) she might cut the cord to seeing me as ’hers’. Does anyone have any experience on this? I went aggressive back to her, offended her lifestyle, crushed her opinions about her success. I saw that it got to her, and told her so. She said her negative opinions about me weren’t personal, and that I was being unfair. I smiled, and said ’does it sting? This is how I feel when you attack me’. We were in public, at a restaurant. She couldn’t physically attack me, because I know how much social status means to her. The staff heard us, and I noticed a couple at an other table got uncomfortable and alerted. I never lash out. My abusive father has inadvertedly taught me how to read body language in a split second. I have a high level of empathy - like my mom. It’s difficult for me to feel angry, to set boundaries, to attack - without feeling horrible afterwards. After my verbal attack we went quiet, she striked one of those end to this dicussion/ end to this relationship type of sentences. It got to me. An unusually chipper waitress came with our food. I recognised her role, it is usually mine (overcompensating). I stared down my plate, picked up the cutlery and noticed I was shaking uncontrollably. Next thing I remember is that I’m sitting on the floor of a bathroom cubicle, hyperventilating. I was scared of passing out, lost the feeling of my hands and legs. Couldn’t remember the breathing techniques I’ve been practising. My mom came in. I can’t remember too much. I was having one of my worst panic attacks ever. Later I managed to control my breathing and my legs, and quickly returned to my seat, staring at my plate, my phone, the staff, the floor.  
- My uBPDs eyes can be incredibly witchful sometimes, and we have a bit of that HarryPotter/ Voldemort telepathy thing that makes us feel/ see/ know eachothers fears/ pain when in eyecontact. The sweet overcompensating waitress interrupted the haltering conversations three times more, before asking about dessert. I felt she was there for me. My uBPDs was lashing out on mom, and then starting the neative rant about people she love. The rest of it was played out like an act, that felt unreal to me - I think it was the panic aftermath that slowed down my senses, and made everything in slow-motion and far away. I had a panic pill that removed my concerned thought process, and fell calm enough to sleep after reading at the forums in here for almost two hours.

  So, what I’m asking is; what are your experience with splitting, and ending micromanaging manipulation? Does it have to be NC? I am trying to achieve LC, and only with buffers present. After all this abuse I feel I deserve to see her married, meet her unborn child, and be present at other family events without any major scenes or drama. I want her to meet me like a stranger. Not like a sister. She’s friendlier to strangers than to family.

She is also doing triangulation with our other siblings. I’ve stopped doing that years ago, and stopped caring about it last year when I learned that they don’t know how to feel empathy beause of their asperger. One of them also have uAntisocialPD. It’s tricky. He can be dangerous at times, without realising. Like my dad. I think I have to stop comparing my family to others. I’d love to have a well functioning family, with lots of compassion and love. But there isn’t any. I have NC with my uNPD dad. I have LC with my uASPD brother. I have some contact with aspie sister. I’m best friends with our mom. My plan is to have children a create my own compassionate family, only allowing in mom and aspie sister.  

[Turkish]

After all this abuse I feel I deserve to see her married, meet her unborn child, and be present at other family events without any major scenes or drama. I want her to meet me like a stranger. Not like a sister. She’s friendlier to strangers than to family.

Do you desire to be treated like a peer? Because you are. 

You are an adult,  and an independent entity,  free to be who you are,  not a "doll" to be played with,  much less the target of abuse.

The panic or anxiety attack sounds brutal, though I'm glad that you stood up for yourself.  It took a lot,  it took a lot out of you,  but you still did it. Good for you! 

Where do you feel you need to go in your next interactions?

My feeling is that she's going to be busy with her baby soon and that will change the dynamic. 

[AbsurdAbusedSis]

Thank you for your reply, Turkish! Telling about it all in a forum is completely new to me, so it was nice to receive support.   I felt good about setting a new boundary, even though it took its toll on me.

I’ve been having an epiphany over the last two days. I’ve come to realise that I’m not going to put the duty of maintaining a fasade, before taking care of my own needs. Which means I won’t parttake in the babyshower that is coming up. I thought I had to - because of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I won’t look at her snaps anymore, and I won’t share information about me with her again. It sounds paranoid, but I don’t want her to know who my friends are, where I work, where I hang out, or what I do. The dinner proved to me that she’s still the harsh abuser I knew her as, when we were kids. I can’t trust her. I think I’m going for very little contact from now on.

[Panda39]

I’ve been having an epiphany over the last two days. I’ve come to realise that I’m not going to put the duty of maintaining a fasade, before taking care of my own needs. Which means I won’t parttake in the babyshower that is coming up. I thought I had to - because of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I won’t look at her snaps anymore, and I won’t share information about me with her again. It sounds paranoid, but I don’t want her to know who my friends are, where I work, where I hang out, or what I do. The dinner proved to me that she’s still the harsh abuser I knew her as, when we were kids. I can’t trust her. I think I’m going for very little contact from now on.

Boundaries 

It is okay, more than okay, it's healthy to have boundaries.  You do not have to hang around to be your sister's emotional punching bag, and you do not have to share anymore of your life with your sister than you wish to. In my mind boundaries are one of the biggest tools in our toolbox. 

More on boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Boundaries isn't about making a big announcement that you will no longer tolerate xyz and expecting your BPDsister to respect that she won't.  Folks with BPD are expert boundary busters.

The idea with boundaries is to decide what your boundary is and enforcing it.  So a boundary could be set around your sister screaming at you for example.  You can decide that your boundary is to no longer be screamed at.  She starts screaming, you can ask her to please stop yelling.  She will likely continue, you can then tell her that unless she stops yelling you will leave and talk with her later when things aren't so heated.  She will likely continue and you leave.  You do not have to stand there and take verbal abuse.  But when you set the boundary you will need to be consistent about enforcing it.

I often share this little analogy... .

We've all seen this at the grocery store... .

Mom's value: I want to take good care of my child and that includes eatting good healthy food.
Mom's boundary: Sweets are to be had at special occasions only
Mom's Action: Not buy sweets for her child while grocery shopping

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no so the kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no again so the kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no for the third time, this time kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (what we call an Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

This does not mean however that the little kid won't ask again the next time mom and he go to the grocery store... .the kid will test the boundary again and so will the person with BPD in your life.  The key here is to always be consistent with your boundary.

I'm glad you've joined the group, I know you will find lots of support, tools and information here just as I have.

I hope I have shared something helpful,
Panda39

[AbsurdAbusedSis]

Thank you for your reply, Panda39! And thank you for the perspective. I’ll check out those links about boundaries.

I’ve had small episodes of success with "no-means-no"-boundaries last summer. The one that is the easiest for me to achieve is when I completely ignore her: Suddenly I can’t ’hear’ her voice, or ’understand’ that she is trying to threat me. I’ll be giving her a misapprehended poker face, and tilt an eyebrow - but without anger or sarcasm. She becomes so toddlerish when I do that, and I feel that I’ve accomplished something grand. I think I can continue to use that boundary whenever I’ll have to see her in family parties (with buffers present, of course!).

Avoiding giving her attention is similar, like when I’m being absorbed by my phone when she demands everyone in the room to listen to her story about people she has met that are impressed with her looks. Or walking out of the room when she is talking, and she’s trying hard to make an impression on the crowd. She’s (like my dad was) always competing with me in a likeability contest that I didn’t sign up for.

I met with my T this morning, who reassured me that I was taking important steps to get an independant life for myself, free of regular fear and harassment. I told her about this site, and that it helps me to understand more. I wish there was a support group nearby that I could go to, so that I could call someone if anything crazy would (will) happen again.

I’m working on applying feelings to the facts I know. I have PTSD, a panic disorder and dissociate a lot when abused. But I find learning and sharing to be extremely soothing. It helps me more that any band-aid!   

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

I’m working on applying feelings to the facts I know. I have PTSD, a panic disorder and dissociate a lot when abused. But I find learning and sharing to be extremely soothing. It helps me more that any band-aid!

You are not alone.  Several of us here have PTSD and struggle with dissociation, anxiety, panic attacks, depression.

I am glad our site is helping you.  I hope you keep reading and posting here.