So confused by the use of sex

[Jbombjas]

So I’ve posted here a few times before. Lots of back n forth with very little physical contact from a guy I met last October. Mostly just non stop chaos and arguments. Drama. He is highconlict and I fairly emotional. He started very charming but that ended almost immediately. He flakes when things finally feel good and we are about to meet and he disappears when things get crazy. It has only gotten worse until lately his complete withdrawal. I have diagnosed him only as a BPD w narcissistic traits.  Each time we re-visit us, he says he only wants sex. But here’s the confusing part... .

I’ve come to terms with only sex with him. It’s intoxicating as it seems to be with most BPDs and few match up to my bedroom prowess. And I know long term after reading this stuff this is nothing I can handle in a relationship nor want with him as much as I care for him and empathize w his insides. . But after all these months of back and forth and me saying I want more and him running away or getting angry and then coming back around... .when I finally agree to just sex everything changes. And I pull Most of my emotional intensity.

He no longer fights w me. He pursues me every single day sometimes 2-3 times a day trying to see me and hook up. All that is fine. He is clearly highly sexual and using me for his impulses. But the confusing part remains ... .

He is now VERY slowly being kind and saying more than he ever has. It’s little stuff but “rough night” or “happy Valentine’s Day” or whatever to me. He has asked me about other men even. He’s being sweet. So I’m very confused. In the past I have been extremely intense and adamant about wanting more. I imagine it scared him away every time. It has been an intense roller coaster of me pushing and him pushing further away. I knew this but have control and issues myself.

So here is my question. I DO think that he uses me. He uses me for sex and immediate gratification and bc he is impulsive and sex relieves his chaotic life. It also gives him some sense of control where he feels repetitively out of control I IMAGINE. but this guy has been in high conflict w me non stop since the beginning. So why be sweet and peaceful now? He has not always been when demanding just sex between us? Sometimes he has been downright mean saying I can show up and not even talk (but I always felt this was his way of controlling me bc my emotions scared him so much-it wasn’t as much of a mean gesture as it was fear generated)

My philosophy on all of it is such. He uses sex as a form of  intros.  Bc he feels out of control.  It relieves him from stress and feeling yucky and he is highly sexual and always interested in sex. But my BIG QUESTION on all of it, is COULD HE BE GETTING NICE AND VERY SLOWLY OPENING UP TO ME BC HE NOW FINALLY FEELS SAFE WITH ME? THIS IS AXTUALLY HIS WAY AND THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW TO GET CLOSE WITH SOMEONE? There is no risk of enmeshment. No scary emotional stuff. Nothing to fear in the future. I’ve read posts on here where people are in these relationships w pwBPD where they say they absolutely do not want more from them than sex or a hook up. But it feels like a whole lot more. And it goes on and on for a long time. So I just want to hear experiences with this and opinions on what might really be going on? It just doesn’t feel like just sex. Or is it just sex... .I’m ok w that. But I’ve never had a casual relationship with a guy where it was this heavy and intense.

Thanks for reading.

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[theuproar]

So here is my question. I DO think that he uses me. He uses me for sex and immediate gratification and bc he is impulsive and sex relieves his chaotic life. It also gives him some sense of control where he feels repetitively out of control I IMAGINE. but this guy has been in high conflict w me non stop since the beginning. So why be sweet and peaceful now? He has not always been when demanding just sex between us? Sometimes he has been downright mean saying I can show up and not even talk (but I always felt this was his way of controlling me bc my emotions scared him so much-it wasn’t as much of a mean gesture as it was fear generated)

My philosophy on all of it is such. He uses sex as a form of  intros.  Bc he feels out of control.  It relieves him from stress and feeling yucky and he is highly sexual and always interested in sex. But my BIG QUESTION on all of it, is COULD HE BE GETTING NICE AND VERY SLOWLY OPENING UP TO ME BC HE NOW FINALLY FEELS SAFE WITH ME? THIS IS AXTUALLY HIS WAY AND THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW TO GET CLOSE WITH SOMEONE? There is no risk of enmeshment. No scary emotional stuff. Nothing to fear in the future. I’ve read posts on here where people are in these relationships w pwBPD where they say they absolutely do not want more from them than sex or a hook up. But it feels like a whole lot more. And it goes on and on for a long time. So I just want to hear experiences with this and opinions on what might really be going on? It just doesn’t feel like just sex. Or is it just sex... .I’m ok w that. But I’ve never had a casual relationship with a guy where it was this heavy and intense.

I'm going to guess no, he doesn't feel safe with you anymore than he did before, except in a superficial sense.  With my BPDgf, we started off in an open relationship (of sorts) and she was very, very sweet to me.  It was blissful and exactly what I needed after my divorce.  The sex was also amazing and intense.  She was generous with her body and fiercely passionate.  There were times, however (similar to what you described), where she would say "come here right now and f*** me" and then basically boot me out after.  No talking or hanging out.  She would plan it like that.  When we become monogamous and official, though, she instantly turned hateful. 

From what I've come to know (through this person only, so maybe it doesn't apply to your pwBPD), the reason why she was so much sweeter then was because there was much less to lose.  Much less to risk, no real emotional investment.  And she's even told me (as bad as it hurt to hear) that she didn't give two s**** about me back then.

A hallmark of BPD is that push and pull.  Pushing you away until they feel lonely or abandoned and then drawing you back in.  At this point, it sounds like he's trying to draw you back in, and that "peacefulness" is not contentment per se but just an indicator that he feels less pressure.  I would tread lightly and take care of yourself.   

[Jbombjas]

Thank you for your answer. My instincts say you are correct! In some ways I meant the same thing. Not that he felt safe emotionally. I don’t think they ever feel safe. But without the risk of my emotions and the pressure of a relationship, it’s easier for him not to argue and be fearful or angry. And I agree. The anger comes when there is caring or rejection or feelings etc. I just wonder if it is his only way he knows how to get close to another without the risk or pressure or emotions. It’s backwards but he is very backwards. I wouldnt say he cares much about me. He is so delusional and stuck in his own selfish childish world even if he wanted to, he is not capable. And he leans narcisstic when pressured. But I don’t think he wants too.  But also like you said, you started things open and then they turned into a relationship. For some reason, I see this as his way of creating that relationship. Not consciously. I don’t think that’s his intention with me. But he doesn’t see that maybe that’s what he’s dlknf. When there is no fear and no expectation of one. In fact, an expression from me that I don’t desire one from him. He is not trying to get me back however. He has me. And his ways in the past have been very aloof and different when trying to lure me back. This time is very different. He didn’t try to lure me back. I don’t have high expectations. And I know the bomb will drop at some point. But this behavior is very interesting to me. Without the threat of emotion or too much intensity, there feels like more emotion. He is more comfortable and himself and not placed in this fight or flight position. This is what I meant by safe. Not that he cares more. But in some ways his only way of being intimate with another is through sex. It’s not so much abpkt me and how he feels about me. But with comfort he is more himself. And this is the only way he knows how to be with anyone. I’m guessing. It’s just interesting to me. I have yet to see this side. My instincts tell
Me this is probably so. I have read things on here about relationships starting just like yours or like this.  I’m not hopeful. I’m dating men who actually have interest and care about me. I’m just curious as he is very addictive. And in care about him a whole lot. I want to be good to him. If I can understand the nature of his ways I can do what’s best for him and us... It’s doomed regardless. He is not lovable sadly. :/