Not sure how to make a new normal after 5+ decades

[MabelMeringue]

Hello! I'm new and unsure... .I just finished reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells.' I learned so much and feel so much better. Now to figure out how I'm going to move forward. I disengaged from my mother two months ago -- not as result of a big blow-out, but a series of increasingly personal attacks toward me and my kids made me feel like I needed a break. Now, I'd like to re-engage (I do love her!) but not sure how to make a new normal after 5+ decades.

I'm hoping to find ideas here. Thanks for welcoming me.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you reached out for support and posted here.

You are not alone.  Many of us here are trying to change our situations after a long time of dealing with bewildering and abusive behaviors. 

Taking a break from you mom is a big decision and one I am sure did not come easy for you.  Some of our membership have full contact, limited contact and some have no contact... .and some switch between them. 

We have several tools that you can learn to help you deal with your situation either now with no contact or when you do re-connect.  Do you have a time in mind for this or is that yet to be decided? 

Can you give us an idea of the biggest challenge you face with your mom?  It will give us a place to start and then we can go from there.

Again, welcome!

[MabelMeringue]

Thanks for the reply.

My biggest challenge is not reverting back to old patterns from my childhood. The pattern was (is) an hours-long diatribe on some topic involving me, with me listening and agreeing on some level and trying not to cry. For most of my life, I would just take it knowing that it would eventually end and she would somehow try to make it up with me (shopping, usually). Favorite topics were my terrible choices in friends and the way I treated one of my siblings. In hindsight I can see that it warped my sense of reality and how I felt about myself. I would spend days or weeks mulling over the 'lecture' and finding ways to reconcile my own thinking with my mother's thinking -- usually deciding she was right on some level. How could she not be right? She is so sure of herself, so bright, so articulate. The last big lecture like this was several years ago, and the 'topic' was one of my husband's dear relatives that we love spending time with and how untrustworthy this person is. I stood and took the verbal lashing for 45 minutes at the age of 44! I was so angry at myself when it was over! And she was wrong! But it still threw me. It was six months of pretty intense emotional pain rehashing that whole thing.

Since then, I have severely limited my contact. No one on one lunches or other meetings if I can help it. We go to my folks' house rather than having them here (so I can make a quick get away). I think long and hard before inviting them to family events, and always include my father.

After this I was still calling her once a week. But then about a year ago, she accused me of only calling her out of a sense of duty. She didn't like the day/time I was regularly calling. Then she told us not to make a fuss for her birthday, so I didn't and that resulted in a teary, guilt-inducing episode. Then six months ago she had a big blow-out with one of my siblings and when I tried to mediate (my usual role) she said she wished none of my siblings or I had ever been born. That was the most painful thing she has ever said to me. I was quite proud of myself -- I told her that was a very painful thing to hear and she could call me when she was not so upset and then I hung up. She has not initiated a call or text since then.

So: now I'd like to work my way back to regular and rewarding contact if I can. I am a religious person and know that this relationship is part of my learning. But opening myself up to abuse and then retreating to lick my wounds is not working and I will not do it. Any suggestions on how to start with baby steps back? I don't want to 'have it out' in a big meeting. For one, I am a big chicken. And I also don't believe it would accomplish anything other than making me the bad guy.

Thanks for reading. It's good to just write it all out.

[MabelMeringue]

And it is a relief to now think of her through the lens of mental illness, rather than that she is either really right or really mean. I'm angry that she hasn't done more to 'fix' herself (there has been therapy and medication), so I need to get to a place where I think she's doing the best she can.

[Harri]

Looking at her through the lens of mental illness can be comforting for some people.  As long as you do not use it to excuse her verbal and emotional abuse it is fine I think.  Even disordered people are held accountable for their actions.   

It sounds to me like you did very well with ending the conversation, setting up boundaries (no one on ones, visits to her so you can leave etc).  All of that is fantastic!  I am sure it was hard to do but you did it. 

I agree that if you start up contact again, it would not be wise to try to talk things out or rehash the past.  Chances are it will go no where and will make things worse.  pwBPD have a hard time with being held accountable and with being confronted with their own behaviors.  What I find works best is to focus on the immediate issues when they occur.  I say it works best because for me, that way I do not feel resentment, I do not get angry with myself for tolerating abuse and my anger does not build.

I am not sure what to recommend in terms of initiating contact.  Maybe a card for her birthday if it is soon?  Are there family gatherings that occur? 

I will recommend that when you do get in contact, to whatever degree you choose, that you are firm with your boundaries  and that you do some prep work with the other tools we have here.  You can find them in the Library section of the board.  See  what appeals to you and then we can talk about them.   Definitely do a google search on self-differentiation and Bowens family systems.   You will see why you have the role of mediator and are involved in triangulation with your family.  I am not pointing fingers though.  all of us who grew up with dysfunction have roles that we need to shed and so many of us learn dysfunctional triangulation so you are not alone in that.   
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

See what you think and we can talk about it.     I think you are on the right track.