So messed up How can someone do this?

[crazyinlove77]

I was finally feeling better about things and then tonight happened.  So a little back story.  My ex ended things last week, claiming that she wanted to work on herself and figure out what makes her happy.  I decided to go NC after that for my own well being.  I knew it wouldn't be healthy for me to keep her in my life.  Before she ended things though, she sent me concert tickets she had bought a couple months back.  She knew I had wanted to see the artist so she told me I could have the tickets.  I went to the concert tonight with a friend and was having a really good time.  I felt good about things and was enjoying the night with my mind off things.  As we were leaving the venue, I saw someone from behind that looked like my ex.  Sure enough, it was her.  And she was there with the girl she had been texting the last 3 or 4 weeks, so I definitely know she was cheating now.  She knew I was going to be there.  Couldn't she just let me have one night for myself?  It was obvious that their seats were in the same area as mine because of where we were exiting the venue.  Do people with personality disorders have no respect or compassion for other people?  She must have bought the tickets after she sent the other ones to me.  Was she trying to rub it in my face since I decided to go NC?  I just don't get it.  I don't get how someone can do something like that to a person they claimed they loved.  I broke down after I saw her with someone else.  The feelings are still raw from the break up and then to add that on top of everything, really hurts!

[Luan]

Really sorry this has happened to you CIL77,
If your ex is typical of undiagnosed BPD people, remorse and sensitivity won't be foremost in her mind. Remember you are dealing with someone with the emotional development of a 3 year old. Only thinking of their own feelings.

As I think I replied to your previous post, now is a time for stepping right away from her. Of course, her putting herself in your orbit like that is cruel. But try to see it this way. She wants a reaction from you because it makes her feel better/stronger. She also wants to know you still care about her. In that way, she still cares what you think, in her own warped way.

I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago where my ex told me who she had slept with in the past three months we have been apart. I told her that doesn't interest me particularly, I am only concerned about my relationship/friendship between us. The only thing that has helped me is practicing 'radical acceptance' of her state of mind, while wanting to improve our connection and understanding in the future. It's tough.
I made sure I let her know that without dealing with her mental health together, we can't grow. In the end, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't make an effort to improve their mental health issues. So as hard as it is, I know I am lucky to be apart at the moment.

Let's face it, her new flame will suffer the same as what you have, so anything you can do now to show acceptance and understanding , letting go of expectations, will not only help you, but give a slim chance that you could have a healthier future connection with your ex.

[Luan]

Did she see your reaction to seeing her? That would have given her emotional comfort. Be prepared that she might try to contact you, ask 'how you are going?' etc.

As much as possible, you have to show her the least sadness or anger that you can. By all means express that you care for her, love her and wish her well, but letting her know she has that effect on you will probably be all she wants at the moment.

My ex has 3 times contacted me, agreed to meet, only to back out with accusations a day before. I accept it and just say, another time perhaps. For me, it's like a middle path, between being overly emotional and being overly angry. She honestly is puzzled by it.

What do you want at this point? To reconnect at all?

[once removed]

She knew I had wanted to see the artist so she told me I could have the tickets.

i think this is likely why she gave you the tickets.

seeing her there had to hurt and confuse, no doubt. if i were you, and saw her with pretty much anyone else, i suspect my mind would be full of questions.

the only thing we know for sure is that they both wanted to go to the concert, it would have been a mixed message for her to go with you, but she knew you wanted to go as well.

hang in there.

[beautifullybrkn]

I'm so sorry this happened. I can't even imagine what a trigger that must have been. Keep going strong with NC as difficult as it is maybe see the positive that at least you seen her after and that hopefully she didn't ruin the actual concert experience for you. This should be a reminder of how uncaring and uncompassionate she is, that she could intentionally show up knowing you were there to hurt you.
Hugs to you! 

[crazyinlove77]

I don't think she saw me last night but I don't know.  She did send me an e-mail today though, Luan, like you predicted.  She apologized for putting me through hell in the relationship but yet still made the e-mail all about her and her feelings.  I ended up feeling guilty at the end, like I was understanding enough before going NC.  But I know it's just her trying to get a response out of me.  E-mail was the only method of communication still available to her.  At this point, she's caused me so much pain that I don't think I even want her in my life at all.  The caring part of me knows that she needs help and I'd like to be there for her, but I can't put myself in a situation to be hurt over and over again.  I think it's just driving her crazy that I won't give her any response.  Because in the relationship, I would have definitely responded by now. 

[Luan]

I presume you have read about validating techniques on here and other places. Do you plan on replying CIL77? Or stayng NC?

If you do reply, do you think you can radically accept her version of events, and empathise with her feelings. Doesn't mean you agree with her, just sympathise about how hard that could be for her. As hard as that can be, it leaves the option of reconnecting open.

By the way, if she is anything like my ex, she would have planned to be at the concert knowing you would be there, she would have spotted you from a hundred paces, and she would want to see if you were there with anyone. And she would have really wanted you to see her with her friend.

[crazyinlove77]

At this point, I'm planning on staying NC.  I feel like I don't even know her anymore.  I thought she was someone completely different but I'm finally seeing who she really is.  I've seen how she treats one of her other exes and I know if I tried to stay in contact with her, it would end up the same way with me.  She definitely takes advantage of her other ex and uses him to get what she needs.  I just can't put myself in that position.

I just wish I could get her out of my head.  I'm tired of replaying everything and wondering if I could have done things different.  I just can't believe someone can be so uncaring. 

[GlennT]

Everyone must realize, that folks with BPD,  lack genuine empathy, the same as the narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic personality disorders. One day you will not even realize that you have gone almost a day without thinking about them. Healing is a slow process, so stay away and do NC or you may start ruminating , get depressed, and then you will be back to square one all over again.

[crazyinlove77]

I have a hard time when I think about the fact that she's moved on already. It makes me feel like I was nothing.  And makes me think what this girl has that I didn't.  Do you think she will treat the new girl like she treated me?  Do people with BPD or NPD ever get better?

[GlennT]

You did'nt do anything wrong, in fact their next ones usually aren't as good. They rarely stay with the intensive therapy they need because first, they do not believe anything is wrong, that we are the problem. Second, if they do know they have BPD they often use lame excuses like no time, money, etc. Third, they frequently have relapses because lets face it, a whole personality needs to be altered. This disorder is no joke, more hearts and minds will be broken that even an ocean of elmers glue  cannot piece back together. Like serial killers, they remember all their victims. They treat them all the same, although the names and places change. Their MO does not. While you sit around with "heart trouble", they are enjoying their new life with their new victim, in the beginning.

[FJM]

Sounds more like a Narc than a BPD. Maybe commorbid?

[once removed]

It makes me feel like I was nothing.  And makes me think what this girl has that I didn't.  Do you think she will treat the new girl like she treated me?  Do people with BPD or NPD ever get better?

at the heart of your question, are you asking:

if she treats the next person like me, does it mean im not not nothing, and if she gets better, does it mean that i am?

[415]

I would agree that it will be a pattern that she'll play out indefinitely.  My wife separated from me last month after 11 years.   The only time I've heard from her is when I need to track her down for something specific.  They often don't have empathy, especially to the closest people to them.  We started dating when she was 33 and i'm her 4th husband.  The story that I was told is that it was all their faults.   I know better now.  Your situation would've been hurtful, sorry you went through that.  We had tix to a concert too that she bought for my birthday and that we had to travel for.  She cancelled them citing that she wasn't really into his new album.  Cancellation cost me $200 and what's more likely is that she was planning her escape.  My sister lives 5 mins from me and she and her husband are the people that we actually spend the most of our time with compared to others.  They never want to see her again.  These people hurt/affect more than just you.  I'm assuming it gets better.  It's been 32 days for me.  Still cried today.  Sounds like she's fine though.  It's really unbelievable.  You most likely will never make any sense of it, other than the fact that they have a disorder that makes them do this.  

[crazyinlove77]

at the heart of your question, are you asking:

if she treats the next person like me, does it mean im not not nothing, and if she gets better, does it mean that i am?

Correct.  I guess I just want to know whether it's a pattern or if it was just how she was with me. 

[crazyinlove77]

Sounds more like a Narc than a BPD. Maybe commorbid?

The more I read about narcissism, I think my ex may deal with that too.  Or maybe she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I'm not going to even attempt to diagnose her.  I'm just trying to understand more so maybe I can understand better why she treated me the way she did.

[FJM]

crazyinlove77 well a narc feels no empathy or remorse and they pull this inhuman moves into someone. I dont know if a BPD can pull this out. Maybe she has both disorders.
Is outstanding de quantity of SICK people loose playing godzilla with buildings to their partners.
The world is shifting to a horrible place.

[once removed]

Correct.  I guess I just want to know whether it's a pattern or if it was just how she was with me.  

we have an article here about surviving a breakup with someone with BPD here that i want to share a piece from:

Breaking up was never this hard
Is this because you partner was so special?

Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you.

Your “BPD” partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve and feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

the long and short of it is that this really hurts, on a deep level. those wounds demand your attention, and  healing. its a significant ego wound, and feels like the ultimate rejection, i know. those wounds wont heal    as a result of her next relationship failing, and they need not be permanent if she succeeds.

it gets better. we have to work to heal the deep wounds.