My daughter doesn’t want treatment

[monafone618]

She is 43. She was diagnosed last year after being hospitalized for trying to commit suicide. We found out later she faked swallowing the pills. She has been a nightmare. She tells lies about me. She’s even called the cops on me saying I was crazy out of control and my blood sugar was out of whack. She has unpredictable rages. She always wants things that are expensive and wants my husband and I to pay for them. We finally bought her a house so she would move out. We pay all her bills. We bought her a car. We are practically in servitude to her. We are planning a trip to Germany next fall and we are afraid she is going to ruin it somehow. Every time we take a vacation she invents something so we have to come home. We need help. Please if you can help us.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

It is good to meet you monafone although I am sorry for the circumstances. Your situation does sound like a nightmare. The good news is there IS help and you have come to the right place to get it. Maybe the best place to start would be with boundaries. It seems like you really have gone above the call of duty with your daughter which is understandable but  you deserve to have a life too and that means sometimes saying no and letting her work things out for herself. You say you are worried she will wreck your vacation in Germany. What do you think she is going to do?

[Only Human]

Hi monafone618 

I'd like to join Faith in welcoming you to BPD Family. As she says, you've come to the right place to get help.

I'm so sorry to hear of all the difficulties you are experiencing with your DD -  false statements to the police, unpredictable rages, and expecting you to foot the bill for her expensive tastes. It does sound like a nightmare, indeed. You will find many other parents who can relate to what you have shared. You are not alone.

I also echo what Faith has said, you deserve to have a life too. It seems like you've really gone above and beyond for your daughter. We have tools here that can make things better for you, to help you get that life of yours back. A good place to start is the thread pinned to the top of this page, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. It's got some of our best articles all in one place, even one about Boundaries as Faith suggested.

The best thing we have here are lots and lots of members who are traveling similar journeys. We support each other, learn together, and encourage each other to take very good care of ourselves. Please keep posting, sharing, we are listening. You don't have to do this alone.

Again, Welcome to the family 

~ OH

[No-One]

Welcome Monafone618:
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like Faith and Only Human mentioned, boundaries would be helpful for you (limits that you have control over), and using some specific strategies can help as well.

Sounds like she has you trained and manipulates you to get what she wants.  It has worked for her, so she isn't motivated to change.  Has she ever worked?
Have you thought about NOT buying/paying for things for her as a consequence for her bad behavior (s)?

If you aren't currently seeing a therapist, you might consider gaining the assistance of one to help you set boundaries.  Learning about some  communication skills and strategies (from the Learning Boards here), combined with the assistance of a therapist to guide you, can be a good combination.   You can't change things overnight, but each step in the right direction can add up.

Threats of suicide and fake suicide attempts are ways to manipulate you. When you go on vacation, have the direct phone number to the police dept. for where your daughter lives (alternative to 911).  If she makes threats of suicide, call her local police for a welfare check or mental health hold.

What are some of the things she has done in the past to ruin your vacations? Come up with a strategy to deal with the situation in advance. 

You can't change you daughter, but you can set boundaries and change the ways you react to her. You can presents some consequences for bad behavior.