Only 12 but BPD fits better than any of the others

[TiredGma]

Hello, new here. 12 year old grandson, who has lived with my husband and myself for the last three years. Early trauma from father's mental health issues and mother's depression and leaving the marriage suddenly while he and his sister where very young. Sister is doing great (she's 10 and lives with us also). Diagnosed with ADHD and "something else but be we can't quite tell what." Intense kid, then diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, then DMDD (because they thought he was showing signs of bi-polar). Well, when the CPS worker (yes, he accused us of abusing him) mentioned this BPD idea, the "a-ha" bells went off in our heads. He has been on pretty much very drug there is to very little effect. We had the genetic testing done and he can't metabolize any of the stimulant class of drugs. Anxiety reducers not helpful, currently on anti-depressant Viibryd, but not helping either. Under the care of psychiatrist but his speciality is meds, not talk therapy.

We are at a critical juncture right now because of his melt-downs, property destruction and hitting people, swearing (oh the creative use of f-bombs at top volume is pretty impressive, actually), etc. Then the intense remorse, embarrassment, afterwards. He's currently in a therapeutic day class located on a middle school campus. But after this last incident last month, the school wants to place him elsewhere because they fear for his safety, and everyone else's. And he flies off the handle so fast--mercurial, testy, short-tempered. Yeah. I have a feeling you people might get it. Eggshells, 24/7.

 He does have empathy, hasn't wandered into any really criminal behavior (although he just hacked into my Apple account and bought $175.00 worth of Fortnite stuff). Even when caught red-handed, he denies and is furious when you don't believe him. Always. No responsibility for his actions ever. Apologies, maybe at some point, but behaviors don't seem to change. He has no friends at all. He's isolated and because he's so intense and scary and has shown porn to kids in the neighborhood in the past. No one trusts him, he says weird things, and his language is now increasingly sexual--innuendos, etc., that he thinks are funny. Very raunchy. Explanations and admonitions have zero effect. We are pariah's also, in the neighborhood in which we've lived for 45 years and raised our own five children, and amongst other family members (younger cousins) that don't want him at family gatherings or visits anymore. It's breaking my here.

And I'm a special educator getting to retire early so I can help my husband (retired 8 years ago). He's 10 years older, just survived a stroke that was caused by grandson impulsively grabbing him around the neck roughly and causing a huge blood clot to break loose from his carotid artery. We now have no hope of traveling, enjoying our retirements, and husband by 76, he is seeing the end of his life drawing closer and he's horribly depressed about his life. We have no help from the father (deadbeat--no hope of ever getting child support) and his mother, my daughter, is depressed, ADD herself, self-medicating, homeless. So, hence my screen name "TiredGma."

Thanks if you got this far.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Oh TiredGma - I am so sorry about this.

There is a lot in here, but what stood out to me is that this was really extremely dangerous to your husband and caused him a loss of health that is not recoverable.

Have you had a serious conversation with your husband about what he feels he can and wants to do?  Does he want to continue living with your grandson given the real physical danger to him?

I greatly admire your dedication to your grandson and the sacrifices you are making!  I'm sure it deeply matters to him even if he does not show it.   Is he technically in a foster care system where a team of experts is involved?  I am generally very slow to consider medications but I know that some are effective in reducing violent outbursts, one foster kid I've worked with is on Zyprexa which without it he acts out roughly and descends into a dark place.   

It sounds like if he is to stay with you some fast solution has to be found to keep you safe.  Do you have other medical experts involved?

The BPD techniques on this site are valuable and I think they would help but I don't know if they are enough to guarantee your safety.   I definitely recommend reading the resources here as well as taking other steps, I hope you can balance this tightrope and also take care of yourself!

 

[Huat]

Hello TiredGma.  I'm welcoming you here, too.

While I am limited in my ability to offer advice, I am here to offer my support.  I think it is important that you know you are being heard... .a validation of your feelings and being acknowledged that you are overwhelmed... .and rightly so.

I am glad that Incadove has been one to reply to your first post... .and I certainly hope you send more.  All of our stories are different here but there are threads in each that connect with others.

From one "Gma" to another... .I'm giving you a ((HUG)... .a big one!

Huat

[TiredGma]

Hubster and I have had soo many conversations from "He'll kill us both" to "We can't throw away a kid." We are for all practical purposes the parents of this kid. The father refuses to even see him or his sister, even though he lives a few miles away with his new family. He is thankfully, paying for the medical insurance. No child support for years, but we'll take what we can get at this point.

I was a foster child and it was an awful situation. I would not want my grandson to suffer this. I know my experience is not everyone's, but removing a child that has been traumatized already by being abandoned by his parents just seems like a not great idea for his mental health. It may end up that way, but I'm hoping that looking at this through a different lens than before, a more restrictive, structured therapeutic school, and all of us gaining tools to deal with the melt-downs and stay safe--will hold off having him removed.

I look forward to learning from you all.

[incadove]

He is so lucky to have you and your husband committed to raising him! 

I'm sure as a special ed teacher you probably know much more than I do about handling difficult situations.  I didn't know much at all when I started with my dd's and so every video and page on this site was a revelation, generally a helpful one! 

What sorts of things have been most helpful that you've tried so far?  And what kind of support from this community would you like, mainly a listening ear or do you want suggestions?

Again I just admire your loving and calm determination in the face of all this, and it seems you already have a bit of the irreverence that Linehan recommends!   

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am so sorry to hear about your struggles, your husbands health, your grandson and everything else including, I assume, the loss of a dream you had about retirement.  It is a boatload to deal with and I am glad you found us so we can offer support. 

incadove responded here with such great support and information!   There is little i can add here at this point other than to encourage you to read and post and just settle in.  This is a safe place where you can share and learn.

[Only Human]

Hello TiredGma,

Another grandma stopping by to welcome you to BPD Family 

Welcome! I look forward to getting to know you 

~ OH

[TiredGma]

Grandson had a great first day back at school. I'm sure they're wondering if they are doing the right thing in trying to get him to a non-public setting. It seems cyclical in our house: today was calm, no eggshell walking. But I know lightning will strike again. He went to his first Karate lesson yesterday. It's the first thing he's been interested in (besides the iPad) in a long, long time. He actually maintained pretty well. He asked to join for a month. But I know that honeymoons end, and usually in quite a shocking way. Not shocking to me anymore, but to the uninitiated--yikes. But even it's a short-term thing, he'll learn something I'm sure.

Are your BPD family members using medications? I feel like I'd like to take grandson off everything and get to a baseline and see what's what (under a doctor's care, of course). His doctor thought it might be a good idea, too, since we haven't found anything that seems to lesson the extreme touchiness, impulsivity, etc.

We have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and I'm very interested to hear what he'll say about my thoughts on "my" diagnosis. We started this journey at five years of age when he couldn't do school. Shoot, he couldn't even do pre-school. Started Concerta at five with some okay results for a few months, until the anxiety kicked in, the melt-downs continued, and we tried so many other things. Only to find out after the genetic testing that stimulants just won't work for him. I went from reading The Explosive Child and Lost at School back then (and those books were helpful--I even bought the school the complete set when he was in the primary grades. Everyone needs to be on the same page and it was my hope that they would get on board, but it didn't happen that way, unfortunately). And now I'm working through the Eggshell books, and I'll take your recommendations on as well. Good thing I like to read!

So today, I'm celebrating his good day at school, his general cheerfulness, he was actually nice to my husband for a change, and he feels good about himself. Hope you are in a good spot in your loved one's "cycle" too. I might even get a good night's sleep--that would be nice.

[incadove]

So wonderful to hear of the good turn!   Enjoy the good times, you so deserve it!  Sounds like martial arts are a great fit for him, maybe the structure will help him too.

Have to run but just wanted to check in - fingers crossed for you!  

[RedRyder]

Welcome, TiredGma, from another grandma raising a grandchild! 

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot. All with different variations of the same story, we "get" what you are saying.

I can't add a lot to the words already written by others, but wanted to say that having researched it for a GC in the past, you made a wise choice in enrolling your GS in karate. Martial arts is considered the #1 recommended extracurricular activity for a child with ADHD. I pray it helps him and your family.

RR

[Feeling Better]

Hi there TiredGma

I wanted to join in and say how pleased I am that you managed to have a good day with your grandson yesterday. I hope that there are lots more to come 

I want to also add that I think doing karate is an excellent choice that your grandson has made, he should benefit greatly from it.

I really admire you TiredGma, you have taken on a lot with your grandson, please remember to take care of yourself too.

FB x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TiredGma]

Rant alert: Good day ended yesterday evening, very badly. Grandson's favorite thing to say is "You can't make me do anything. You can't touch me." Yeah, he's right. CPS is in our lives, although they have dismissed two cases against his father and ourselves. My husband asked grandson to please leave his sister alone so she could enjoy her rare play date. Grandson shook his head, and spouted his favorite script with a couple of f-bombs added for flair. Okay. Husband ignores but says more forcefully to please leave his sister and her friend alone. He was invading their space in her room. Fast forward to dinnertime. I teach Zumba 2 nights a week. Hubster fixes dinner, or I get it started at leave at 5:30, teach, and I'm home by 6:45. Hubster is fixing dinner, and our cable and phone had been out all day. This really rattled Mr. Gamer/YouTube junkie grandson and put him off his game, so to speak, so far more irritable than usual. He was trying to hook a bunch of stuff up to the TV and Hubs asked him to come to the table for dinner, and please remove the stuff from the TV so that when and if the cable comes back on, we'll know it. He refused. Hubs walked calmly over and pulled the device cable out of the TV.

Then it was on. Violently. Husband ended up with stitches above his eye, black and blue all over his body, my house looks like a murder scene with gouges in the walls and furniture from a bread knife he picked up and used, literally beating my husband with his own phone while he was trying to call 911. But of course, no cell service so no calls got through. Blood spatter everywhere. My husband has been off his blood thinners for a few days so he could have his hernia surgery at 7 a.m. this morning. So he was bleeding profusely, but not as bad as it could have been had he not stopped taking them for four days for his surgery. And he's on blood thinners because my grandson grabbed roughly around his neck, causing a huge blood clot to break loose from his carotid and causing a stroke. In ICU for a week in October for that. His carotid was 80 percent blocked, which we had no idea of. He's never smoked, exercises religiously, eats well, never smoked. No risk factors at all. Our gallows humor about it is that grandson probably saved his life. Had he not cause that blood clot to break loose, we never would have known about it until it got much worse.

So, husband had to listen to "I hate you! I hope you bleed to death" and punching him and trying to hit his hernia, kidneys, everywhere. Nice, right? And of course, 30 minutes later, I get home (husband tried to call me, but again, no phone or cell service), grandson is calmed down, my husband looks like he's been through a meat grinder. No one here to help, so husband had to drive himself to the ER and get stitched up. Grandson feels bad, videotapes were made and my husband won't even show them to me they are so awful.

I called CPS myself and told them the whole story, and I will probably file a police report. This is getting ridiculous. How does one stay in love with a kid like this? I'm furious, heartsick, and discouraged. He asked me if I still loved him. And told him I did, but that I didn't at all like what he was doing and it will get dealt with because none of us are safe. And after these episodes, he hangs all over me, demands hugs and affection. And not gonna lie: I just can't turn on a dime and feel those feels. And it feels like a weird form of bullying to me.

So, so much for my one nice day. Maybe tomorrow? Husband got through his surgery, told the hospital staff that he fell at home when they asked about the stitches and bruises, etc. and is now recovering well. With one of the most brutal puffed up stitched forehead and black eyes I've ever seen. And his body is black and blue from the beating that this 12 year old gave him, and the stitches from his surgery, which he says hurts far less than the injuries inflicted by grandson. I can't even.

And being the borderline that he is, it isn't his fault. Of course not. And after hacking into my iTunes account and buying $175 worth of gaming stuff, denying it, gaslighting me about it--he's been bragging to people at school about it. And still denying it to me. He almost sounds sociopathic, but so far hasn't harmed animals, set fires, pees and poops where he's supposed to, or sexually abused anyone (that I know of) and does show empathy. So there's that. I guess. Rant over. You just can't make this stuff up, am I right?

[Only Human]

TiredGma,

I am short on time but wanted to send my support as you are dealing with such volatile behavior. I think you're smart to file a police report. Your GS violence toward your husband is not ok, a diagnosis (or not, in his case) doesn't excuse violence.

I hope something can be done quickly to ensure the safety of you all.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

How awful! Yes do file a police report.

[Music Ace]

I admire your honesty and humour in your rant.  So true ... .you just can't make this stuff up.

I concur with filing a police report. As a teacher (and I know you'll get this), paper trail MUST exist for any supports to be put in place.

I get angry. But I cannot grasp the intensity and disassociation and violence that some people experience. 

You and your husband are incredible and hopefully a police report and whatever evolves with CPS results in providing YOU with support(s) and guidance on your journey of care for your grandson.

You are strong people!

Ace

[incadove]

This violence is serious.  And this 'you can't make me do things you can't touch me' must stop.   I honestly think it would benefit your grandson to be technically taken into care, and you could be his provider (they allow this in the US).  You would get more support and resources, he would understand it is a truly serious thing - and you will not have to have him present if he is violent.  I think having him understand that your love may be unconditional but his presence in your home is conditional, would be very healthy for him at this point.

He needs to find a way to control himself and needs the maximum possible incentive to do so.  I would not allow him back into your home until he has done some sort of very significant work - therapeutic, or digging ditches - to show that he truly is sorry. 

[TiredGma]

Incadove, yes, we've told him that. I'm early in my journey with this different way of looking at things. Before, it was ADHD and doing what we thought would work, including medication, play groups, social groups, etc. Meh. Not much change. Then it was Generalized Anxiety Disorder. ADHD meds making him very anxious and he stopped growing. So docs said to treat the anxiety. Meh. Impulsivity still there. Nasty mood. So they tried the atypical anti-psychotics. Nope. So now we've tried the last category of meds, anti-depressants. Nope. We never went the whole med cocktail route: add this and add that. On one at a time. So I'm pretty sure he'll be coming off the last one as of next week (under a psychiatrist's care and advice, of course).

So it seems counter-intuitive to me to tell a child that has this extreme fear of abandonment (and rightfully so because he was abandoned by his mother pretty much and his father mistreated him. He simply didn't know what to with this kid. And the father had pretty severe issues of his own with defiance, drugs etc.), that he's living with us under the condition that he control something that he may not be able to. I've sort of adopted the Doug Riley thing that a kid will do good if they can. He intellectually knows that we're kind of his last hope. His mother is homeless and has her own mental health issues, and the father says he absolutely wants nothing to do with him other than the occasional visit. Completely abdicated any responsibility. And he's so much like grandson that I can't even deal with both of them.

Grandson has been reported to the Adult Protection Service, and the school is instituting a program in our County that offers wrap-around services at school and home. The school is also looking to place him in a non-public therapeutic day class. He's in one now and has been for the last two years, on a medium-sized very nice middle school campus. But, he's not accessing a single general ed class and he really can't even be let out of the classroom for lunch because he always causes a problem. The school really can't keep his outbursts and episodes under control anymore by just having him go to the office. He swings at people, throws chairs, destroys property. The district wants to start sending me repair bills. Yeah. Well. Maybe after I replace my dining room table, patch the slashes and divots in my sheet rocked walls, and refinish the cabinet that he attacked with a bread knife, I'll send them a check.

And when things are calm and you think that it might not happen again, all I have to do is remember back to the times we've been hit, bit, grabbed and threatened, and look at my husbands huge black eye and stitched-up forehead, I'm pretty sure it will happen again. These eggshells are starting to hurt my feet, ya know? I've got a lot to learn.

[once removed]

how is it going, TiredGma? have things gotten any better?

[TiredGma]

HI Once Removed. Yes, depending on the day, things seem a little better. At least there hasn't been any crisis or escalations at home to the point of violence. I'll take it. And he's off any medications right now, for the first time since he was five years old. That's huge. Sometimes I think he's better, sometimes I think he's even more irritable. But he's also in puberty now, so it's hard to tease out what is what. But I can see him backing down during a conflict where once he would have lost it. And when the conflict is over, he genuinely apologizes. We've been off school for a week and he hasn't hung out with one kid his age. All his has are his online Fortnite play pals. That makes me sad. And when he tries to talk to someone, it's just showing them videos and he doesn't pick up on the cues when people are done and don't want to see any more memes or videos. He still lies at the drop of a hat and won't take responsibility for his actions, at least not out loud.

He started a new school last week. It's a non-public therapeutic day school and he's on a 30-day trial. If he has three aggressions toward staff or peers he's out, and if he can't manage to stay in his classroom 80% of the day, he's out. So one week in, there's been one slight aggression. It's hard because the school has 71 students from 6-10th grades that are just like him. Some internalize more, and he's a definite externalizer, so that's hard on the internalizers. I dunno. It's physically a lovely school--modern, clean, sensory room, little gym where they can use a punching bag, shoot hoops, they can earn time in the gaming room with the latest gaming consoles. The kids get appropriate PE four times a week, organic hot lunches delivered if they want (it's called MyGreenLunch and it's kind of amazing. It's not free, but it's reasonable). A car comes and picks him up for the 40 minute drive. I'm still kind of astounded that the school district referred him there and is paying the tab for it. As a special educator myself, I see it as an amazing opportunity and wonder at his good fortune. My own school district sends students there, as well. We have to do family therapy once a week also. If you can't commit to that, they won't accept the student. So of course, that falls on me. The mother and father--the elephants in the living room that caused this trauma and threw him into the deep end of the genetic gene pool--will not be participating. Pfffffft.

That being said, he's not terribly happy there. He says there are too many rules, the teachers and staff are "Vulcans" because they always maintain this calm, neutral demeanor. He has a behaviorist, a therapist, his teacher, and an academic advisor in his shorts pretty much every minute he's there. I told him that it's up to him to learn the rules, learn what they have to teach, and he can earn privileges and the whole idea is to transition him back to a general education setting successfully. They usually keep the the kids for three years. But he fairly cheerfully gets up at 6:15 am, gets dressed, eats his breakfast and is waiting at the end of the driveway without complaint. We'll see how long that lasts. I know he's honeymooning right now and the resistance could set in at any moment.

What's amazing to me is that his triennial IEP where they do all the academic testing, he comes out as "very advanced" in everything but math. How he's been able to learn with all the drama surrounding him all the time is wild. So, we find in about three weeks if they think they can help him or not.

Fingers crossed, and eyes and hairs and eyebrows, that this will work out for him.

I hope everyone is doing okay. I'm back to work with my own behaviorally challenged students tomorrow and am not happy about it. The cold and rain makes it hard for me since I'm itinerant and have to go to five schools a day, haul equipment in and out of my car, etc. Being cold and wet all day is not so fun. Counting down the days until my retirement in June.