Things went pretty well this weekend.

[Ltahoe]

It’s easy to complain about our partners with BPD and of course we have a lot to say when the bad is taking place.  I’ve done some self reflection over the past few weeks. I really upped the thoughts of how to proceed with my marraige especially after almost being caught up in a situation I should’ve never been in.  So I decided I was going to date my wife like I did when we first met. I’ve realized that I have become critical of my wife as she of me but this Is about what I can control for now. I realized this when I’m throwing out terms like “childlike” “rebellious teenager” “immature” all critical terminology that perhaps I am being a little critical. So for the meantime I’ve decided to throw out these thoughts the best I can. We’ve been on a few dates lately, as advised by MC and as much as I have been reluctant to treat and spoil someone that has a tendency to treat me like doo doo sometimes I decided we just need to do it. The cycle we are in needs to stop.

Of course a few months back there was a major dysregulation that has made things difficult recently. I feel these significant dysregulations events tend to affect our marriage for months. As opposed to the minor ones that effect us for hrs or maybe a day or two. Point is our relationship is like a series of valleys and peaks on different time frames. There’s an overall trend with minor trends within. I feel like we made it to the bottom of the valley in our major trend right around valentines and are working upwards again. This weekend we had no kids so were able to engage in the type of dating we would’ve done in the beginning. The end result was a rather blissful weekend that I feel we reconnected on.

The only negative aspect of the weekend was my wife got pretty critical about my driving.  I tend to drive more defensive while my wife more aggressive. I live in an area affected by a lot of snow lately and my wife thought I should make an aggressive maneuver around some snow plows. Actually criticizing me as someone else made the maneuver she thought I should take.  At this point I went against my natural instinct to argue my point and how stupid the move was and there was more risk involved than reward, and stated.

“I understand I probably could’ve made the maneuver but I’m exiting the hwy within the next mile so therefore decided not to attempt it and once I made the decision not to attempt it I would rather not debate doing it anymore as it becomes less likely to be done successfully with passing time and live with the initial decision, the loss is really only a little time.”

Funny thing was at the bottom of the exit ramp there was the vehicle that had made the aggressive maneuver sitting at the same light as us right next to us. I almost wanted to point this out but went against my natural instinct again and after that things went on quite well as if nothing ever happened  

Since things can Seem negative here I just wanted to say something a little positive and that things aren’t always negative in pwBPD relationship. Of course how the rest of the weekend played out after the driving incident was actually in my hands.  I’m sure things could’ve nose dived for the worst had I spurted out what I would’ve naturally liked to say.

[formflier]

Ltahoe,

Solid work on trying to build bridges towards your pwBPD.

Also solid work on realizing how you responded in the past and being deliberate about saying different things.  I would encourage you to consider the reaction this time and figure out what you could have said that would have been even better.   (hint... .cut out half the words in the snow plow thing) 

I've gotten to a place in my relationship where I enjoy my relationship when it's enjoyable (and I make deliberate efforts to make it enjoyable) and when it's not enjoyable I have plenty of other things I can focus my time and energy on.

So... .I reach out to my wife and we do date nights.  If she wants to engage in blame and (fill in blank with other dysfunctional stuff)... I do other things.

FF

[Ltahoe]

FF

Ya I have a tendency to ramble on. I really could use some work on my grammar both writing and speaking.

At the end of the weekend, I realized that I had control how I acted when my wife’s being critical. It probably was the difference between smooth sailing or not for the rest of the weekend, and hopefully I can keep applying these techniques.

[once removed]

Of course a few months back there was a major dysregulation that has made things difficult recently.

what happened?

The only negative aspect of the weekend was my wife got pretty critical about my driving.

for what its worth, this is a very common conflict between couples. i know personally, its also a big pain in the ass. makes me really self conscious.

[formflier]

So... .what do you wish you had said to your wife... .instead of the long ramble.

FF

[Ltahoe]

OnceRemoved

She got caught racking up credit card debt even though the issue was supposed to be resolved, because of similar past incidents. When I figured it out she got mad at me, started with threatening divorce, being withdrawn, using sex as a controlling mechanism, etc.

Her being critical of my driving is common place. Although she never wants to drive, which is ok with me she’s had numerous people(coworkers, family, etc) mention her aggressive driving to her. I always hear  “Why’d you go this way?” “Why didn’t you try to make the light?” “Why’d you run the light it was red before you made it through?” “Why’d you park so far away” “why don’t you just find a spot instead of driving around looking for one” FML trying to please her with my driving.

FF

I really don’t know. Couple things I could’ve said, although I wanted to validate her idea before I justified my decision.

“I understand I could’ve done that but I made a decision to be patient, I feel we’ll still make it fine.” 

[Cat Familiar]

It’s awesome that by changing some of your attitudes and by not engaging in conflict, you had a lovely weekend.

That shows you how much power you have to make things better. And by regularly doing what you did, you will rebuild the relationship and it is likely that she will be motivated to show you her best too.