Co-parenting: Volunteering Too Much Information

[Turkish]

I got the kids back early Friday afternoon.  I picked them up from the salon as their mom was having her hair done.  Since she was going to be there a while,  she let S9 bring his portable Nintendo DS. His uncle had given it to him.  I wish I had known it at the time as I would have said no.  S9 has ASD1 and he hyperfocuses on things.  

15 minute drive home and I let him continue to play it.  I was troubleshooting my HVAC system since it wouldn't turn on the previous morning. I can wake up to 56F, but I needed heat for the weekend with the kids.  I was finally able to find a small electric heater at the 4th store I visited that morning.  We've had an unusual cold snap here the past two weeks.  

I'm still going in an out of the house between my thermostat and the HVAC unit in the garage.  S9 starts crying hard.  A boss beat him on his Pokemon game and he forgot to save.  Crying, "it's not fair! I have to start all over again!" I tried to validate and not JADE, but he wasn't having it.  I eventually ignored him.  

My neighbor,  an HVAC guy,  came over when he got home.  He got my text message.  He diagnosed that I needed a new thermostat and I learned something new:  removing it and shorting the two wires caused my blower to fire. He did it with his fingers.  It was only 26V. I had tested it.  He went to his house and brought a new thermostat and installed it in a minute.  I told him that I tested the terminals in the thermostat and it had a 2 Ohm internal short, I hadn't thought to do this until he said it was bad as it was still lit. "I don't diagnose components,  I just replace them." Fair enough.  $40 for the new thermostat,  no charge for the labor. I left a 12 pack of Corona on his porch two days later.  We were warm,  I was happy.  

After he left,  S9 starts crying again,  harder.  The batteries went out in the DS. I tried validating again but gave up.  He can really lose it.  I went in the other room,  D6, who was minding her own business watching tv,  starts crying. Her brother hit her out of frustration. I sent him to his room.  He refused but I insisted. I told him that being upset was no excuse to hit and that was completely unacceptable.  He was still crying and yelling.  D6 went to her room.  

I went outside and texted their mom to being the charger in the morning when we saw her at the dojo.  I should have left it at that but I told her what happened.  She called asking to talk to him.  

He was still crying and didn't want to talk to her.  I left it on speakerphone.  She was trying to talk him down,  validating,  asking him how he could handle it better.  I left the room for a few minutes.  When I came back,  she was telling him that she could bring the charger in half an hour.  I grabbed the phone and told her no. He had asked me before for us to go pick it up.
I said no.  She lives 13 miles away.  S9 got louder.  I said I'd handle it and walked out to talk to her.  She criticized me for letting him play it that long.  I said ok,  and that I wouldn't have let him have it in the first place. "That's not the point.  As parents we need to establish boundaries. I only let him play it half an hour a day here." Ok.  "Did he eat dinner yet? He's more upset because he needs food. You need to feed him!" She's got anxiety about constantly feeding them due to her family culture as well as the fact that she gets irritable when she doesn't feed. I get it,  but he was still cry-yelling and needed time to calm down.  I hung up and went back in.  

He yelled "you're a mean daddy!" Why? "Because you won't let mommy bring the charger!" She'll bring it in the morning.  More yelling.  I walked out for a little while.  When I walked back in,  he was still mad at me but told me he was getting up to get ice cream.  I told him he could have that but only if he promised to eat chicken tacos afterwards (I only had to warm that and tortillas,  simple). He agreed.  

I knocked on his sister's door.  She was sitting at her desk sad and on the verge of crying. I approached her as a wounded animal.  " What's wrong baby?" No answer.  "You look upset. Are you sad because your brother is crying? "Yes! I don't like it when he's crying like that." I hugged and kissed her and carried her into the kitchen.  " He's upset but he'll be ok.  It's sad when one of our family is really upset but we need too support each other but also be safe."

They ate their tacos, D got dessert afterwards,  and an hour later at bedtime,  S9 told me he loved me.  

Last night in bed after laying there a bit, S9 told me,  "I don't want my DS anymore." I asked him why. He didn't even pay attention to it Sunday even though we had the charger.  "There's no point to it playing that game." What do you mean? "There's no value to it. I'm going to give it to [sister] since she likes playing the other game." Ok.  

Egads! Did I shame him out of playing, or did he reason through that the way he felt wasn't a good thing? I think the latter.

[worriedStepmom]

My S9 has given up on games before because he lost.  He doesn't like the feeling of losing, so rather than keep playing, he quits.    This is a struggle in our house to allow him to make decisions vs encouraging resilience and persistence.

In your shoes, I'd ask your son what he means when he says the DS doesn't have value.  It could be because of his outsized feelings, it could be because he doesn't want to repeat the effort he already put in to beating parts of the game, it could be because he hates losing, it could be because he scared sister and is trying to make it up to her, it could be because he feels worthless that he lost the battle/forgot the charger/etc/.  With kids, it could be lots of things.

No matter what he says, after a few days away, he might be able to have a more in-depth conversation about it now.