BPD language or lack thereof

[HomeyDuck]

How often does someone with BPD withdraw so much they wont even say they love you?  I am not the reason for her episode, but every time I try to tell her I love her, I get a thanks or I know you do.  She usually says it back, but not today... is this something BPDs commonly do

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[itsmeSnap]

How often does someone with BPD withdraw so much

Varies, my exgf did it about every month, others mention weeks, others months.

What is common though is that when we push for too much intimacy they often push back, even to the point of actually pushing you away.

I know, counter intuitive.

I am not the reason for her episode

What happened? is this the first time she didn't answer back?

[HomeyDuck]

She has had episodes where this has happened, yes.  But those were when I was learning about BPD and tried to push further than she was ready to go.  So those, yes, were my fault, I can understand the pull back there.  It was just out of the blue today.  Always tell her I love her when we first speak in the morning.  I get I know you do.  I sent her a text mid afternoon and ended it with I love you and all I got was <3.  And tonight, I tried again, and got thanks.  I asked her if everything was ok, she said just not feeling good.  So I am thinking it might be her illness, just weird she would stop saying it, today

[itsmeSnap]

I asked her if everything was ok, she said just not feeling good.

If she's not feeling like talking, give it some room, but do follow up, let her know you're there for her. You're worried, you care, and it shows. Now you're probably on a better position on figuring how to approach this than any of us here, has she talked to you about her problems (besides BPD) before?

all I got was <3

That's good enough in my book, I even screenshot'ed when my gf would answer that a few times because they were so few and far between, so lucky you!

[HomeyDuck]

She told me about her BPD and is, slowly, starting to tell me other personal things.  Im not pushing that, I have always been of the mindset, take what info you are given when it is given.  Because if they tell you without a prompt, then they wanted to tell you, and didnt feel forced by a question.  And true, the <3 should be enough.  Like I said, I am learning.  I have read tons of articles and hours of videos, but just now starting to see how it affects her

[itsmeSnap]

I have read tons of articles and hours of videos, but just now starting to see how it affects her

Consider also how it is affecting you.

With this newfound hammer (info about BPD), are you starting to see nails everywhere maybe? There's a lot of negativity surrounding it, people have had some serious problems because of BPD issues. Being in a relationship with the thinking that things could/will go wrong is part of the issue of why pwBPD often have such a hard time adapting.

Try not to do the same to yourself, keep the positive upfront  .

If all goes well you could be looking at years of figuring things out, so plenty of opportunities for growth. Keep us posted!

She has had episodes where this has happened, yes

Speaking of keeping us posted, how have you handled that in the past?

[HomeyDuck]

Ill be honest, I felt like I was the bad guy.  I had upset her.  But then I stepped back and realized, they were very simple questions that someone without BPD would answer and go about their day.  Yes I want to help her through this.  Yes I want to be there for her, but with her illness, I am going to have to take care of my own mental health.  I am just beginning to understand that.  Very different feeling from other relationships, whereas each partner took care of the other. 

[Purplex]

Ill be honest, I felt like I was the bad guy.  I had upset her.  But then I stepped back and realized, they were very simple questions that someone without BPD would answer and go about their day. 

This is a very essential realization. It's completely normal that you have questions and asking them doesn't make you the bad guy. If she gets upset it just means that she doesn't feel comfortable with answering them right now or maybe that she interpreted them in a way you didn't intend. Whatever reasons she might have, it's important to not take it personally. In 99% of the cases it's not about you or her feelings for you, it's about her difficulty to handle her emotions. If you pay attention and give it some time you might be able to identify what triggers her and find a way to navigate around it. Not because what you did was wrong, but because a diffent approach might facilitate communication. PwBPD have a high need for their feelings to be acknowledged and respected. Sometimes we can be invalidating of their feelings, even if we didn't intend to. Maybe we misinterpreted their feelings or maybe our own feelings got in the way of putting ourselves in their shoes. This is where skills like validation or empathetic listening can come in handy. They help us to understand and care for our partnerson an emotional level. Do you think those could be helpful with your gf?   

She usually says it back, but not today

Consistency is something they desperately need but are unable to offer themselves. To preserve our self-worth and mental health we need to learn to stay above that, keep calm and patient and let go of resentment and insult. Once the dysregulation is over, they will usually come around again.

[once removed]

do you think you might be saying it too often for her comfort zone? you mentioned this is a recently formed relationship.

[HomeyDuck]

That may be the case.  But when she told me about the illness, she asked for me not to change how I do things.  My feelings and what I say are always welcome and make her feel wanted

[once removed]

But when she told me about the illness, she asked for me not to change how I do things.

that makes a lot of sense. she wouldnt want you to treat her as a "special case", or walk on eggshells. that would be uncomfortable for both you, and for her.

human nature, dating etiquette, and the laws of attraction still apply to people with BPD though.

in dating, its very important to read the other person in terms of the pace of the relationship, in terms of the signals they are sending. to say "thank you" or "i know you do" in response to "i love you" is a classic signal that its too much, too heavy.

a man that can roll with the punches, read those signals and respond with confidence, is mighty attractive to a woman. over pursuing, clinginess, that sort of thing, will tend to push most women away.