Finally discovered that many traits of spouse reflect that of a person with BPD

[Ginnie]

I am feeling a bit less confused knowing other people are experiencing many similar issues with family members with BPD.  While my significant other has not been diagnosed with this disorder, it is helping me to retain my sanity to some degree.  I have been with the individual for roughly 19 years (almost 14 married years) and I have remained confused through most of it.  We have attempted counseling several times during our marriage with no long term positive changes as a result.  I am depressed and tired, I do not know where to go from here.  Any attempt to relay my feelings is discredited and thus leaves me even more confused about my feelings than when I began trying to explain them.  I feel my mental health is depleting as a result and I have two children that depend on me for stability.  I just want to do the right thing.  Any words of support or encouragement you can provide would be greatly appreciated right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Ginnie, and

im glad you reached out. experts will tell you that a strong support system is really critical when it comes to a BPD loved one. a lot of us arrive here feeling completely overwhelmed, but with the tools here, ive seen some of the worst case scenarios turned around.

id be interested to hear a bit more about how marriage counseling played out, and whats going on between you and your husband right now.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome,

I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you. I felt like you did when I first came to this site (and at times I still feel that way). You've had a long 19 years. How long since you discovered BPD?

[Ginnie]

I literally just discovered BPD a few days ago.  I read the checklist from Walking on Eggshells by a fluke (it just popped up) and it put into words exactly what I was experiencing.  I am now reading the book.

The counseling was short lived for each of the attempts (which consisted of a handful of sessions each time) that were made.  He did have some counseling that was court ordered due to drinking and driving convictions (he has 4 of these offenses) and the others were because I requested to try to figure things out.   No long term changes resulted from any of these.  We never seemed to get anywhere.

The current situation with us has not changed.  The only difference is that I discovered the information on BPD and things have become more clear to me as to what I am dealing with.  However, it seems he knows something is different with me because he is being much more caring in the last few days.  

We just came back from a vacation a couple of weeks ago.  It was a very stressful vacation.  Every time something did not go exactly as planned, he was very angry "I am never doing this again.  This is the worst vacation ever, this sucks, etc."  (However, when we were back home it was "that was a lot of fun.  Let's plan on going back there")  He also managed to lash out at the kids (7 & 11) a few times and made them cry for no reason.  (shortly before he got angry at them, he was saying how we have such great, well behaved kids because were we passing by a child having a temper tantrum). My kids said that they would like to go back but were hoping next time we could go without dad.  That made me sad and I knew I needed to start figuring some things out.  I realized that his behavior is really affecting everyone in the house - that it was not just directed at me.  My oldest doesn't think her dad likes her. I let him know that she felt that way - which was a mistake.  He told her she needs to toughen up a bit and got irritated at her for saying it.  I felt horrible because I wanted her to feel better but only made her feel worst because of his reaction.

I am always on edge and waiting for the next outburst.  His outbursts alternate between outrage to extremely happy moods.  I am to the point where I cannot enjoy the time when he is in a really good mood.  I resent it because it seems fake to me (especially if it is shortly after he says something extremely mean to me or one of our daughters).  It is exhausting.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Ginnie!

That's a very difficult situation, and that much more painful when there are children involved. The unpredictable natures of BPD really does keep you unsettled -- I know it was that way with my H. But are there any patterns you do notice? Any particular things that tend to set him off?

[Imhere]

Your situations sounds very similar to me.