Does my Wife Have BPD

[newuser5454]

Folks,

New user here.  I have been married for 12 years.  I have more stories of my wife raging over extremely minor things that I have time to share.  They range from her getting livid when it took two tries to start her car, to yelling at me for not buying her an 800K house the day after she told me she was divorcing me.  I read the book "I hate you, don't leave me" after our marriage counselor recommended it.  So much of what I read sounded exactly like my wife.  Of the 9 traits that most websites detail as BPD symptoms, I would say my wife has all but two (self harm and substance abuse issues).  

We have two wonderful children who are being impacted.  My son is now having to see a therapist and is suffering from anxiety.  I often want to leave, but I cannot leave my kids in the situation without me there to comfort, support, etc.  

Here is my question, how can I know for sure my wife has BPD?  She just started seeing a Psychiatrist, but I have not talked with him.  I am very doubtful that my wife has shared what's going on with her.  Any advise on what to do?  Her rage is getting worse and worse.  

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[once removed]

hi newuser5454, and

relating to your question, i think this would be a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

it sounds like your wife has a lot of difficulty when it comes to regulating her anger, and lets it fly. i know what thats like, and its anxiety inducing, and its exhausting.

the good news is that you have found a strong support group (experts will tell you that this is critical), and that there are tools here that can really help you to cope, and to navigate your relationship. i would stress up front that the tools arent all necessarily to be used incidentally, but more as a lifestyle for building a healthier overall environment in your marriage.

what would you say are the primary issues between you and your wife right now? how are your children being impacted?

[newuser5454]

Thanks for replying and for the link.  The "primary issue" depends on what day of the week it is. 

1.  My son has had some issues with being bullied at school - she blames me saying I moved her to Texas 6 years ago for work (she wanted to move here to be closer to family).  She says if we hadn't moved to our city that my son wouldn't have been bullied because he would have been at a different school.  She had him in 3 different schools in two weeks.  Every time something bad happens at school she blames me.  Not just blames me...she loses it saying I've ruined their lives and that I don't care about my family. 

2.  She wanted me to buy her a house she found on the Bay.  She claims it would be a "fresh start."  Over the past 6 months she's told me the f#@%$ing hate me nearly daily.  She says she wants a divorce, but can't afford to leave me.  Within hours she comes back saying she loves me and doesn't want a divorce and that I'm an amazing dad.  Because of how unstable our marriage is, I would not invest in home together.  our current home is beautiful with a huge pool and amazing landscaping.  We have invested thousands this year on landscaping, plantation shutters, new fence, etc.  This made her livid.  When the house she wanted sold, she lost it.  Yelling that I f*%^ing win and that I do not care about her feelings or needs.  She told me to get off my "a$$ and mow the yard."  It's winter, our yard is basically dead.  I had just completely re-mulched the flower beds. 


3.  She repeatedly tells me her family feels sorry for her for having to live with me.  I knew it wasn't true.  Her family loves me and often times tell me my wife has "been like this since she was a little girl."  3 weeks ago I reached out to her family for help.  I wanted them to come here and help.  My wife has been losing it daily.  This made her irate.  She wanted them to think things were rosy and that her husband adored her.  She says she can never forgive me for reaching out to them. 


4.  Over the christmas break she got angry at my son because his little sister caught him eating a brownie (she wants him to not eat sweets in front of our daughter).  She was dressing him down pretty good.  I interviened and asked her to take a break.  This caused a massive meltdown that ended in her yelling that me and the kids that "mommy and daddy are getting a divorce."  She said "don't worry kids, you can still see daddy every other weekend."  The very next day she was looking at houses an hour north of us and telling my kids we were probably moving there. 


5.  My son has developed anxiety.  He is a very sweet natured kid (11 years old), but this has all taken a toll on him.  He has told me things like "why is Mom so angry all the time."  "Mom is going to make me go insane."  "You're brave, dad - most men would have left her."  She never stops nagging him.  He can't be a kid.  He nearly cried a few weeks ago when I told him i was going to take him to eat lunch before an appointment he had.  He was worried because his mom had told him to brush his teeth immediatly before going into the appointment.  He was worried he wouldn't have time to go home and brush.  Now, I want to be clear - she does so much for the kids and I believe she loves them as best as she can, but its impacting them (my son especially). 

Sorry for the novel.  I could type for hours and give you hundreds of examples over the past 12 years.  My problem is that things seem to be getting worse.  There has not been single day over the past several months where she is calm.  She rages, her eyes start twitching, and she shakes.  She steals my phone and drives away to see if i've been in contact with a lawyer.  She ask me every day who I've talked to and about what.  If i do not tell her, she gets livid.  I'm an executive at an oil and gas company, and this stuff has began to impact my work.  I cannot hardly work, eat, sleep, etc. 

[once removed]

underneath it all, what do you think she is angry about?

what im getting at is, when did this, for the most part, begin? has it always been this way?

it sounds like there are a couple of big ones, like the move, and reaching out to her family.

[newuser5454]

She has always been this way.  It's just worse lately.  Until recently she was able to control it in front of the kids. 

Her family says she was this way as a small child. 

[once removed]

okay. so shes kind of angry person, to put it mildly, and doesnt do conflict well, big or small. as i said, it sounds like there are some bigger resentments that she has, but it also sounds like she blows her top pretty easily. does that sound right?

if so, can you give us an example of one of these conflicts with your wife, with the back and forth? im interested in how you respond when she gets this way, particularly. so as much he said she said as possible will go a long way.

[newuser5454]

I’d say my reactions have changed over the years.  Early in our marriage I was very shocked.  I was raised in a very calm and conflict free family.  When she would have a “melt down” I would hold her and console her.  That worked for the first few years.  As time passed that no longer worked.  I started walking away and letting her rage.  She would amp it up and threaten to leave with our son.  One night she asked me to wear a white shirt to dinner with her friends because she wanted to match.  I wore a white shirt with a tiny blue pinstripe.  She lost it.  Yelling I didn’t care about her feelings or what was important.  She yelled all kinds of profanity.  Over the years I became more frustrated.  Once our conselor told us about BPD, I used it against her when she would rant.  I’d say “it’s your BPD kicking
In.”   I regret it a ton.  Over the past several years I have largely I ignored her.  She will yell I’m selfish and do not care shout her.  Recently, she started yelling at me while I was making my daughter’s sandwich.  She said I put too much jelly on it.  I said it would scrape some off and that her rage was inappropriate.  That made her livid.  She said she was leaving and that she would make sure I only saw my kids every other weekend (she knows that’s my biggest fear and it’s her go to line).  I told her I would force mental health evaluations and try to get 50/50.  Again, I regret that.  Most recently she decided she wanted the 800K house.  I told her  I loved her, but I wanted to work on our marriage before investing in another house.  She said it was proof I am going to leave her and that I don’t care about her feelings.  Initially I kept reiterating that I wanted to fix our marriage before buying another house.  She would rage every night saying it wasn’t fair and that my sister and mom both had new houses.  I finally said my sister and mom don’t yell they want a divorce every day.  That set her off.  She says I said she wasn’t as good of a wife as my sister or mom.  Not sure if this is the kind of detail you’re looking for, but i could give examples for hours.  Last week when she stole my phone and locked herself in the bathroom I tried to hold and console her when she came out.  She yelled I was going to “put my hands” on her and she no longer felt safe.  She said I not allowed in her house.  I left.  She began calling rapid fire begging me to come home.  I have never abused her in any way.  Any allegation  like that scares me greatly. 

[once removed]

it sounds like in trying to figure out what "works", youve found a lot that you know doesnt work. that helps.

obviously, reacting, or getting into it with her escalates things. trying to argue her out of it escalates things. holding and consoling (projecting calm and strength) is a good move generally, though it might be inappropriate in some cases...in the example where she took your phone, you were kind of the enemy in that moment, so it wasnt well received.

there probably isnt a magic bullet, but a mix of approaches, a big picture approach. the tools here can help with that, but they need to be personalized, and you may need to get a little outside the box. the over the top anger is very common here, but hers is really hair trigger kinda stuff, and it sounds like that is kinda who she is in general. its a dysfunctional way of getting her way, and/or her feelings across, and the Positive Reinforcement tools can get across that there are better, more constructive ways.

the karpman drama triangle teaches that when a person is coming at you like that, to pivot with a mature response.

[newuser5454]

Thank you.  We have a counseling appointment tomorrow night.  We will see if she goes. 

I know it's impossible to say without knowing more details, but does the behavior sound like BPD?  Here are some other things to point out:

1.  She is constantly trying to remake herself.  Breast enlargement (wants a second round now - bigger), botox, face peels, etc.  She's only 36 and already talking about a face lift.
2.  She can't handle any stress whatsoever.  Stress makes her angry...at me.
3.  Only a few people truely know her.  It's basically her immidate family and me.  All of the replationships with those that "truely" know her are turbulient. 
4.  She can't stay focused on anything.  She keeps changing the plan on what it is that would make her happy (i.e. new house, new schools for the kids, new landscaping, plantation shutters, etc.). 

Again, I know it's impossible to tell, but I'm worndering if I'm on the right track by looking into BPD. 

[once removed]

i think one thing you can say for sure is that she has difficulty regulating her emotions, and she flies off the handle, which is BPDish stuff.

the good news is that the tools here can make all the difference in the world, and while they can be especially useful for a difficult person, they work with everyone, so practice, practice, practice.

in the Diagnosis+Treatment button in the top left corner, you can learn a great deal more about what youre facing. this would be a good start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder