Is committing to a lifetime with a pwBPD senseless?

[an-cat-dubh]

Hi everyone,

I've been dating a wonderful man who happens to suffer from uBPD for 2+ years. We are in a stable, happy relationship but part of me can't help being worried about what could happen in one or ten years down the line, whenever a triggering life event or relationship crisis might occur.

The first year was overly intense and hectic which lead me to researching what was so bizarre about his behaviour and discovering BPD (he agrees with the diagnosis though he doesn't want to see a psychologist) and now that things have been calmer for a good while I see how exhausting and stressful it was for me. While the passion, which is something I have always craved myself, was out of this world, it was coupled with some unpleasant BPD moments that have, I'm realising now that things are calmer, left some psychological marks.

We haven't had a fight or anything resembling it in six months, and the few we have had over the past year were mostly normal couple stuff. But whenever I feel the slightest sign of BPD coming, I freeze in fear, because my memories of it are so unpleasant, and I am highly sensitive. He has mostly stopped drinking (he was in a bad period when we met and sometimes drunk to self soothe) because I don't drink and it helps him stay away from alcohol (I was afraid he was an alcoholic initially but he has no physical addiction - he does tend to reach for the bottle when he is feeling depressed/hollow though, to numb the pain), and he is feeling a lot more happy and stable and doesn't like the person he sometimes becomes when he drinks. But tonight I had him on the phone as he is somewhere else at the moment and I can instantly tell when he has drunk, and he had - said he was feeling super down and missing me. When I mentioned he had drunk he acted as though he hadn't heard me and kept talking (he is ashamed of it - I know tomorring morning he will hate himself for drinking). He started ranting angrily about something that bothers him and I recognised the person that can quickly become angry/verbally aggressive and start paranoid fights for no reason. He wasn't particularly bad here, just ranting about something unrelated to me, but it brought me back to his darker times and instantly triggered stress. Suddenly I thought I should leave him. I thought "I should not become stressed out because my partner is speaking to me."

I love this man and in many respects he feels like the right person for me. But there are times when I wonder why I make life harder for myself by chosing a mentally ill partner. I am 31 and am feeling like now is the time to make my choice, I want to settle and it's still possible to back down while I have no engagement or children with this man. Basically I love him but deep down I've got a bad gut feeling due to the knowledge that in the future he might become hard to live with or make my life stressful and mentally unhealthy. I've read stories about people's spouses being alright for years and then suddenly one day becoming horrible, and it scares me. What if we have a child and he doesn't handle it well for example?

Obviously only I can make the choice but I'm quite lost. Maybe I'm overly cautious and somewhat paranoid or pessimistic. This man has taken care of my during a particularly stressful period a few months back, he was amazing, I know he will be right by my side when life is hard for me. He is extremely loving and caring, funny, pushes me when I need to be pushed and often brings out the best in me. But I'm afraid of this dark side of him. He is 40 and has told me he used to be way worse in terms of mental health and now feels stable but I think he will always have this in him to an extent.

I guess I would like to hear people's stories, if anyone has been in my situation and how things turned out if they stayed, did they fear come true, etc. I think my boyfriend is super tame in his BPD compared to most posts on this forum, plus he is self aware and working on himself but yeah...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowwhite]

If I had a vote, I would say leave. The fact you tense up when remembering the bad times is a sign of PTSD. Please seek treatment. Also know that recent research has linked this disorder to defective genes on chromosome 19 so if you have children, they could inherit it.

[Ozzie101]

Hi there, an-cat-dubh!

You're right. Only you can make that decision. Only you can know what your relationship is truly like. It's not an easy decision to make. I, too, reached a point where I was poised to end things. Yet, I decided to stay. My H (undiagnosed) is in therapy and has a lot of self-awareness now. I, too, am in therapy and am using the tools that I learned here and my relationship has done a 180. We're both so much happier now. That doesn't mean there won't be bumps in the road later on. There very well could be. But that's true for even the most "perfect" relationships. You have to decide if it's worth it to you. For some the answer is yes. For some, no.

It's natural to be concerned about committing to this sort of relationship. It's not for everyone. The fact that he was able to be there for you in a difficult time and that he's showing self-awareness are very positive things.

Regardless, we're here for you. If you want to stay, there are many tools and tips available here that we can share and that can make your relationship much smoother (actually, they can help in non-BPD relationships too!). If you choose to leave, we can help you with the emotional fall-out, too. Just keep posting and let us know what's going on. And one way to learn a lot is to read and post in others' threads.

Have you read this article? It's about what it takes to be in a BPD relationship. I'd encourage you to give it a read and let us know what you think!
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[once removed]

staying or leaving is of course a very personal decision, and its good to work through your concerns with others here.

i wouldnt necessarily base my decision on what could happen 10 years down the line. thats true for any relationship. there will be hardships we cant foresee. there will be tests.

what is clear is that you have some distrust, some hesitancy from the first year, and as you say, high sensitivity (many of us are in that camp). any or all of these things, unchecked, can break down the relationship over time.

what happened in that first year that left marks? have the two of you discussed them, have you shared your concerns?

[Baglady]

Hi Black Cat (guessing the Irish/gaelic meaning to your name?),

I'm 50 and I just got out of a 27 year relationship/21 marriage with a exBPDh.  I can't tell you to leave or go but I do have one word of advice that I wish I could turn back time to tell my younger self.

Whatever decision you make - trust your intuition and your gut.  Take it to the bank.  I was in the exact same place as you decades ago.  My gut was telling me all along that something was off about my ex.  I should have listened to it.  Trust and be guided by your intuition.

Almost three decades later, I regret not listening to mine.  I got a fantastic son out of my marriage (that I fear will develop BPD everyday) but I really wish I could have experienced a marriage to an emotionally healthy partner. Listen to yourself - you know what the right path is deep down.

Warmly,
B

[Sandb2015]

Good afternoon,

I think one of the points I'd like to make is that if we project negative ideas/thinking/feeling into the future, that may hinder something good or progressiveness.  I'm not saying to be naive or thoughtless, it works both ways.

We can all look back, that's easy, that's history, that doesn't change.  Can't deny it.

As we look ahead with clarity, we see our wants and needs and try to get them, codependent or not, I don't think they go away, they just become muted somehow.

There has to be a plan.

We can point the finger, it's natural or we can examine ourselves, behaviors and reaction to others, especially our pwBPD.  I have discovered that being enmeshed with a loved one has shown me my own "issues" and how to look inward first in order to deal with my pwBPD in a way that I don't get so sucked in and still have myself.

Maybe I'm being harsh and I apologize, for every finger I point at my pwBPD, I need to point 3 at myself, not to accept blame, but to not project my shortcomings on another in order to not see my own and how they contribute to another in a rs, albeit, a very difficult rs at times.

[zachira]

Clearly there are reasons you really want to stay with your partner with BPD yet there are times when his behaviors really scare you and you wonder if things could get worse. There are many members who talk about how irresistible their partner with BPD is/was and hard it is/was to decide whether to stay or leave. For you to do what is really best for you and dear to your heart, it is important that the decision really be yours and not feel that it was forced on you by outside influences. Going to therapy could be a big help in mending the conflicting feelings and making the right decision. A good therapist will listen to you, honor your feelings and choices, and will not tell you whether to leave or stay. On this site, we have a general policy for our staff (ambassadors, administrators) to not advise members on whether to leave or stay in a relationship, because we respect individual differences and know that everyone is an expert on what is best for her/him. We are here to listen and support you. Post anytime and let us know how things are going and how we can be the most helpful.