A new beginning after suicide threat

[Boll2017]

Just went through a detaching attempt.  Traumatic for both of us.  Wife sent an email saying she was attempting suicide.  Long story short - I went back.  The guilt was overwhelming.

The day this happened I told my wife that my conditions for a successful marriage was I needed her to honor my need to have a relationship with my family of origin.  We need to respect our opposite natures. Also, I needed the space to pursue my own interests.  She said she would change and honor my wishes.  

 Although she still says family contact is a gift to me form her.  When I got home she asked what am I going to do.  I told her I would be a good husband; faithful. etc (No infidelity to date so this is not an issue)

I have no illusions.  There are still struggles ahead.

This weekend I want us to have a conversation about the way forward.  My goal is to lay out my intentions on family contact.   The other rub is I booked a trip out to see my brother next Tuesday.  She doesn’t know about the trip since I expected to be detached when I was to depart.  I am still shook up by the suicide email.  

Although I know my family contact is a personal value where I must establish a boundary, I am willing to postpone the trip to allow the idea to sink in with her and give us some space as a couple to reconnect.     So springing on this on her now would essentially be a 2 or 3 day notice - soon after the stressful break up episode. Perhaps one way is putting my family trip in the broader discussion of travel plans.  That sets the expectation.  Interested in anybody’s thoughts here.  

Also I will lay out my need to pursue my own interests.  There is an Auto show in DC next month that I will use as an example where this is something I would do alone.  

At the same time I want to talk about plans for what we will do as a couple. We both like to travel so upcoming trips are a good subject.  Put some dates and destinations on the calendar.

Does this sound like a good strategy?  Any thoughts on how I should approach these discussions?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

i think you need to be prepared for wild swings of behavior...between the best behavior youve ever seen from her, and wild fears, anger, blame, that you will leave again.

things are likely to settle down, but it could be pretty hectic for a bit. listening, letting her get it out, as well as empathizing (not apologizing for) with how she would have felt/feels now, will go a long way.

The other rub is I booked a trip out to see my brother next Tuesday.  She doesn’t know about the trip since I expected to be detached when I was to depart.

this will likely be a biggie. you will need to tell her (postponing it is another option, and a good one if viable). she will want reassurance, probably even unrealistically so. check ins and such will be necessary, you can set those up in advance.

it sounds like youre definitely thinking this through. whats her beef with your family?

[Boll2017]

whats her beef with your family?

It was 23 years ago when we were first married.  My mother was pretty focused on me when they would visit.   Not as much attention toward her.   I know she perceived that as a slight. Then she expressed anger toward them and at another visit their was hostile comments from my parents.  But my parents are dead now.  She still talks about how I didn’t defend her at that time.  I’d like some suggestions as to what to say when she brings this up.

Now it is resentment toward my brother.  The truth is I know the conflict toward my parents rubbed off on my brother and sister in law.  When they came to visit 21 years ago there was tension.  My sister in law was rude.  I have since validated the rudeness when I talk to her.  But I have also said i foregave them.  She holds the grudge.  And she says I need to tell them they have to build a relationship with her before I am available for a relationship with them.

The constant speech from her to me it is either her or them.  Splitting. Black and white.

Ideas?

[once removed]

its not an unusual conflict in a relationship, actually. certainly shes very unreasonable about it, and has played a role in deteriorating her relationship with your family.

but spouses often feel that they should come first, over blood relatives. a person in your position tends to feel caught in the middle trying to appease both sides.

I’d like some suggestions as to what to say when she brings this up.

there arent magic words, its more about acknowledging and letting a person feel heard. it sounds like there are two things shes after. the first is acknowledgment. she feels you didnt defend her. she is still bitter about it. what are your thoughts there?

[Boll2017]

I have tried in the past. 

Now that we have a bit of a reset I will try the following

It must have been hard being new to the family and feeling not part of the group.   

I can see that you would feel frustrated when someone doesn’t greet you and not talk to you.

[once removed]

that is a good understanding of how she would feel.

personalize it, dont script it. context is everything.