I'm Back

[juniorswailing]

I posted here about 2 or 3 years ago when my then girlfriend’s behaviour had me so puzzled that I began looking online for explanations and discovered this site. Like many it was a lightbulb moment and made me realise that it wasn’t all me. A small part of it might have been but that her reaction and way of dealing wasn’t not ‘normal’,  and at last I had some sort of explanation for it all.

We ended up parting company, she moved out, and had little or no contact for a few months however we did get back together and actually married  about 2 years ago. Not a lot changed really, we had a few good moments and a few bad moments but a lot of the time I felt we were a change in the wind away from another melt down. We’ve all been there I’m sure. My wife is undiagnosed although when pushed she concedes that she can be a ‘psycho’ at times and one of her daughters thinks she’s bipolar. So although there is acknowledgement of an issue there is currently nothing being done about it.

I am now at the stage where I am numb with it all. I know that it’s not her fault, she’s had a number of traumatic events in her life any one of which could have been the trigger, never mind all of them. I feel sad for her not knowing what to do.

In the past she has talked about leaving but has never followed through but she recently started work at a new place and they have onsite facilities for people who live out of town. She has stayed there 3 weekend nights over the past 2 weeks and although folk are saying she must be seeing someone she is so stubborn that she could just be there to stay away. So at the moment she has the best of both worlds with possibly someone on the side thrown in.

I was warned by family and close friends when we got back but went into it again knowing the pitfalls so I am partly to blame for my situation but I honestly thought that things could change, despite testimony to the contrary on here.

I’d like her to admit she has a problem and ask for help but I don’t think that she will and I do not know how to go about it. I have a feeling that the only solution is to lay down some ground rules about her behaviour ( I’d never get away with treating her like this) and see what the reaction is. If we parted company I’d be sad for a bit but probably feel better in the long run.

The bottom line is that it’s not treatable, only manageable and that’s with the person concerned admitting there is an issue and wanting to do something.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mama-wolf]

Hi juniorswailing,

I'm sorry you find yourself in a place to come back, but am glad you're here to get some support from the community.  I hope you'll go easy on yourself as far as the decision to work on the relationship and ultimately marry your pwBPD.  You're not the only one to hope that things would get better, and maybe there were good indications that it could happen.  Try not to judge yourself through the lens of hindsight...it's really not fair to you.

In reading your post, I guess my question is...what do you want?  You're posting on the Detaching board, so does that mean you are seeking support as you make your way out of the relationship?  Or are you looking for help with establishing some boundaries in hopes that things will improve?  Or if you're just wanting to vent and be heard by others who have been there, that's totally fine as well.

Ultimately, you won't be able to control your pwBPD's behavior...not her choices, and certainly not her acceptance of whether there is a problem.  You can only decide what you need and act on that.  And while you're at it, make sure you're taking care of yourself.  I have been there with the numbness, and it can get pretty bad.  Still working through it myself, even 8+ months after separation from my uBPDxw.

mw

[once removed]

my first thoughts are, why go underwater from your support group? why weather this stuff without guidance or feedback?

it looks like you have spent most of your time here on the Detaching board. id really encourage you to make an informed decision, learn the tools here on the Bettering board, see where/if theres room for improvement.

what are the primary issues/sources of conflict between you and your wife right now?

[juniorswailing]

I'm currently working my way through Stop Walking on Eggshells which is helping but I think that the relationship is too far gone now.

We are still in the same house as she can't afford to move out and does not want to/ has no-one to move in with. Under out country laws even tho the house is mine I can't put her out. I wouldn't anyway.

She has taken to staying away as much as possible, either overnight or as late as she can and has been sleeping in the other bedroom for about a fortnight now.

This is between random bouts of chattiness once in a blue moon.   

She is in total denial about the situation and blaming me for everything which I realise is classic behavior.

I will keep you posted as it develops but at the moment we are in a limbo with no obvious end to it.

[Radcliff]

I can't say whether things are too far gone, but if you've not spent much time on Bettering yet, there are many more things in the tool kit that can be tried.  I'd encourage you to keep at it until you can say you've worked through all the tools.

Tell us about the "once in a blue moon" chatty times.  What are these like?  Can you tell why they happen?  Is there a pattern, anything that happens leading up to them?  Do you enjoy them?

RC