Thinking about grief and sense of self.

[Maya L]

I have had a period of grief and deep thoughts about stuff now that I’ve researched a bit more on the affects of growing up with a BPD mom. It’s sad when you realize how much it has affected your life and your sense of self. It’s interesting too that it’s not something I knew that I lacked but it explains a lot of my feelings.

With this comes a lot of anger towards parents, not just my mom but my dad and my stepparents. My stepdad saw it and was totally drawn in and codependent, went along on her accusations against me. I’m also angry with my dad who stopped contact with my mom since I was like 7, he should have been more involved and seen the problems, but then again he did not protect me from the abuse of my stepmom (npd-ish?) that he did see. They all should have done a better job.

Today is better than yesterday though. Grief and anger comes and goes these days. Although I’m happy that I’m not handling it too bad, I have a nice supporting husband and good friends. My T says he is surprised my life has turned out as good as it has. It could have been worse and I’m doing pretty ok.

I’m wondering what my life would have been if I would have been able to develop myself without having to please my mother all the time. Who would I have been? Would I have not been so afraid of failure all the time? Would I’ve not had ocds?

Does it get better? Can your sense of self grow?

Anyone relate to those questions?

[HappyChappy]

They all should have done a better job.

Very true. I certainly felt that way. So sorry you had to go through this as well. PD was only discovered in recently years. So billions of people, over thousands of years were all fooled by this manipulation. Even though we still know, Trump and Kim Wrong un, or whatever he's called, are getting away with NPD type manipulation as we speak. It wasn’t personal that your dad didn’t do more, it was ignorance. I was angry with my dad for being week, but if everyone fought against it, would there ever be peace ?

I’m wondering what my life would have been if I would have been able to develop myself without having to please my mother.

Thing is , it may have been worse, it may have been better. I note, they're scared of changing the past in movies like Back to the future, or simpson cartoons. But main thing is you appear to be doing very well, despite all this. That's worth celebrating. Destiny warms us.

I do relate to your questions, how would you answer those questions ?

[Maya L]

 
Hi HappyChappy.

Certainly, at least now we understand the behavior more than people ever had, in that way we are lucky.

We can never know what might have been or if it would have been better. But of course we don’t enjoy the pain we have some days. I like many parts of my life so not sure if the alternative would have been all fame and glory either. I discussed though with my T that when you have been through these kind of stuff you tend to think deeper about things generally, so all is not bad. Although, I think with many friends you often don’t connect on that level if they are not there themselves.

I don’t think there is a lot of point in blaming people in the long run. For me I think it’s healthy to be angry for a while but later try to move on. My T suggested confronting my dad about my mom (already done about my stepmom) but I don’t think it will lead to anything productive really. It’ll probably just make him feel guilty like last time but without change anyway. I believe forgiveness is healthy even if it’s hard and could take time.

I have no idea how to answer those questions. Sometimes it feels like asking them is what is most important. Maybe we’ll figure out an answer or just continue ponding on them.

I’m glad you said felt instead of feel. Thanks for giving me hope!   

During this grief period I’ve returned to some of the music ( alternative rock - 90s, 00s, Pink Floyd ) I used to listen to. Interesting how the feelings I felt when listening to this music comes back a bit now and I understand them better and remember hos much hiding in the comfort of music helped. 

[HappyChappy]

when you have been through these kind of stuff you tend to think deeper about things generally, so all is not bad... I think it’s healthy to be angry for a while but later try to move on...During this grief period I’ve returned to some of the music ( alternative rock - 90s, 00s, Pink Floyd )

Pink Floyd comfortably numb is my all time favorite. You have taste. We've got a thread about sharing music, if that interests you:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329349.120

I must also say your post made me think (thank you), you appear to have a very healthy outlook on all this. I know I wanted to tell my Dad, but he was so far gone, it just wouldn't have helped him. You suggest the same with your Dad.

Sounds like you many have been through many of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Where would you say you were with your grief ? BTW your avatar really makes me chuckle.