Desperate need off help and insight.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, i can probably write 1000 pages about my story with me and my "ex", but I'll try too keep it short.

Me and this girl, who is diagnosed with BPD mer around July last year. We always had so much fun together and everything was just great. We got officially together about a month after we first met and i really tought i finally could settle down. She told me very early (before we got together) that she had BPD, but i didnt really notice it untill late September. We were at her moms place, and while we were trying too sleep she suddenly just sat up and started crying. Told me she didnt see any hope in the future and that i she had no idea why a "guy like me" would be with someone like her. Keep in mind this was the first time i ever really experienced any "BPD outbreaks". After just holding her tight, and trying to calm her down she stopped. I also think i made her laugh at some point which sealed the deal. Two days after i went back too my place (about 3 hours away from hers) and i tought everything was fine again. We talked pretty much all the time on social media, phone etc.

About a week later she called me in the middle off the night, i've never heard her so upset and sad. She had a fight with her mom, and something unpleasnt had happened at a friends party which she attended. Asked me if i could come home too my second apartment so she could stay there for her holidays. Told me she needed me. So i did you know... Took a week away from work too go "help her". This was when the real mess began, she cried so much those days, and were so sad. Said she didnt feel anything anymore when we kissed and it came to a point when i couldnt handle it and started to cry myself. I could not bare watching her so sad... So she came to my place at monday, was gonna stay untill sunday, but when we woke up on friday she told me she tought about going back home. That was off course fine with me, but made me a little sad even tough i didn't show her that. So she went back home, and the second she said goodbye i bursted into tears, i was so sad that the week turned out the way it did when all i wanted too do was to help her. The Next two days we didnt communicate as much, but i didnt really think off it. Tought she needed some time.. So here comes sunday. I woke up to a text from her saying she had too break up with me, that she didnt want too bring me down with her and that she was a mess. She also Said she wasnt mentally ready for a relationship. I accepted that.

The next 4 months was the worst months off my life. I got so depressed and i felt like the breakup came out off nowhere. I couldnt recall the last time i cried before i met her, but it had me crying for weeks straight, didnt go to work. Every time i was with my friends it just ended with me crying again. I later heard from her friends that she had a fling with one of her guy friends, and it looked like they were getting together. I met him, didnt really fancy him so it made me even more depressed.

I did everything i could to win her back at this point, because i really tought she was the one. Even agreed too "just being friends" and met up with her sometimes. It got too emotional for me at one point and i told her that i couldnt be friends witj her because i still had to much feelings for her. That made her delete me from everything. (Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, etc.) A week went by, im still very depressed and i write to her. Apologi ing about how i was and how i talked to her, even tough i really had nothing to apologoize for (according to her mom, dad, and friends...) So we agreed to try to be friends again. All tough i still had a hope we could be something more. She said many times earlier and still that we could be nothing more than friends. I was in the friendzone, and for good ( i tought).

About a week later, i went to a restaurant with her, her sister and a friend. I was in a good mood for once meeting her, and we were having a really great time. It felt like the "good old days" and i could tell that she really liked it aswell. After we ate up and chatted abit, i went home to drink with my friends and she went to her grandma who lives in the same town as me. Then it reignited. The next day, in the evening she asked if we could chat via phone. So i called her. She told me bassicly everything i've been longing to hear, that she missed me. That she didnt believe that i had changed and all she could think off me before that trip to the restaurant was that i was a depressed man. She realised that she was the reason i got so depressed the last week we were together and bassicly asked me if i wanted to give it another try. Even told me she had a long conversation with her mom about me and wanting too give it another shot.

We met up once since that, cuddled that day even and everything felt great. But now later i don't know where we stand. I tried asking her once, but she didnt really answer and really hate to talk about feelings so i didn't really ask anymore. We talk everyday now, but not so much and she ignores my messages and snapchats alot. Can take hours before she replys and i really feel its not going anywhere which is starting to make me even more depressed. What really hurts me the most is that her mom says she's never seen her so happy with anyone and never so proud off bringing a boy too her home.

So iguess my question too you guys out there is what do i do? Where do i go from her? I really want to burst out my feelings too her but i think that wont do me any good. Her sister tells me to let her come ti me, and let her do the feelings part, but i cant hold it in forever. Ive really never been depressed and iff she regrets now and doesnt want to try again it will be so damn sad and im really afraid off what ill do to myself if that happens. I really love this girl and there is nothing i want more than to be with her.

[flangleboi]

Hello, i can probably write 1000 pages about my story with me and my "ex", but I'll try too keep it short.

Me and this girl, who is diagnosed with BPD mer around July last year. We always had so much fun together and everything was just great. We got officially together about a month after we first met and i really tought i finally could settle down. She told me very early (before we got together) that she had BPD, but i didnt really notice it untill late September. We were at her moms place, and while we were trying too sleep she suddenly just sat up and started crying. Told me she didnt see any hope in the future and that i she had no idea why a "guy like me" would be with someone like her. Keep in mind this was the first time i ever really experienced any "BPD outbreaks". After just holding her tight, and trying to calm her down she stopped. I also think i made her laugh at some point which sealed the deal. Two days after i went back too my place (about 3 hours away from hers) and i tought everything was fine again. We talked pretty much all the time on social media, phone etc.

About a week later she called me in the middle off the night, i've never heard her so upset and sad. She had a fight with her mom, and something unpleasnt had happened at a friends party which she attended. Asked me if i could come home too my second apartment so she could stay there for her holidays. Told me she needed me. So i did you know... Took a week away from work too go "help her". This was when the real mess began, she cried so much those days, and were so sad. Said she didnt feel anything anymore when we kissed and it came to a point when i couldnt handle it and started to cry myself. I could not bare watching her so sad... So she came to my place at monday, was gonna stay untill sunday, but when we woke up on friday she told me she tought about going back home. That was off course fine with me, but made me a little sad even tough i didn't show her that. So she went back home, and the second she said goodbye i bursted into tears, i was so sad that the week turned out the way it did when all i wanted too do was to help her. The Next two days we didnt communicate as much, but i didnt really think off it. Tought she needed some time.. So here comes sunday. I woke up to a text from her saying she had too break up with me, that she didnt want too bring me down with her and that she was a mess. She also Said she wasnt mentally ready for a relationship. I accepted that.

The next 4 months was the worst months off my life. I got so depressed and i felt like the breakup came out off nowhere. I couldnt recall the last time i cried before i met her, but it had me crying for weeks straight, didnt go to work. Every time i was with my friends it just ended with me crying again. I later heard from her friends that she had a fling with one of her guy friends, and it looked like they were getting together. I met him, didnt really fancy him so it made me even more depressed.

I did everything i could to win her back at this point, because i really tought she was the one. Even agreed too "just being friends" and met up with her sometimes. It got too emotional for me at one point and i told her that i couldnt be friends witj her because i still had to much feelings for her. That made her delete me from everything. (Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, etc.) A week went by, im still very depressed and i write to her. Apologi ing about how i was and how i talked to her, even tough i really had nothing to apologoize for (according to her mom, dad, and friends...) So we agreed to try to be friends again. All tough i still had a hope we could be something more. She said many times earlier and still that we could be nothing more than friends. I was in the friendzone, and for good ( i tought).

About a week later, i went to a restaurant with her, her sister and a friend. I was in a good mood for once meeting her, and we were having a really great time. It felt like the "good old days" and i could tell that she really liked it aswell. After we ate up and chatted abit, i went home to drink with my friends and she went to her grandma who lives in the same town as me. Then it reignited. The next day, in the evening she asked if we could chat via phone. So i called her. She told me bassicly everything i've been longing to hear, that she missed me. That she didnt believe that i had changed and all she could think off me before that trip to the restaurant was that i was a depressed man. She realised that she was the reason i got so depressed the last week we were together and bassicly asked me if i wanted to give it another try. Even told me she had a long conversation with her mom about me and wanting too give it another shot.

We met up once since that, cuddled that day even and everything felt great. But now later i don't know where we stand. I tried asking her once, but she didnt really answer and really hate to talk about feelings so i didn't really ask anymore. We talk everyday now, but not so much and she ignores my messages and snapchats alot. Can take hours before she replys and i really feel its not going anywhere which is starting to make me even more depressed. What really hurts me the most is that her mom says she's never seen her so happy with anyone and never so proud off bringing a boy too her home.

So iguess my question too you guys out there is what do i do? Where do i go from her? I really want to burst out my feelings too her but i think that wont do me any good. Her sister tells me to let her come ti me, and let her do the feelings part, but i cant hold it in forever. Ive really never been depressed and iff she regrets now and doesnt want to try again it will be so damn sad and im really afraid off what ill do to myself if that happens. I really love this girl and there is nothing i want more than to be with her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

hi flangleboi, and

So iguess my question too you guys out there is what do i do? Where do i go from her? I really want to burst out my feelings too her but i think that wont do me any good. Her sister tells me to let her come ti me, and let her do the feelings part,

i think this is stellar advice from her sister.

i know that in my experience, when ive felt confused about the status of a relationship, and wanted to talk about it, or pushed the matter, its never gone especially well for me. im generalizing here, but women quite often prefer to lead in that department, and initiate those sorts of conversations themselves, like for example, if they want to be exclusive, they will let you know. women tend to like a man that is confident and secure about where things are going, and can roll with the punches. it shows strength, which is mighty attractive.

all of that applies to people with BPD, though perhaps even more so. being with someone with BPD requires a great deal of strength, to weather the storms, the mood swings, the changing feelings, the uncertainty, and more. if we feel unsure, they are likely to feel that much more unsure themselves.

so it would likely be a good idea to dial things back on your end a bit, not over pursue or push, or get too heavy...let her dictate the pace of the relationship.

what do you think?

[flangleboi]

Hey, thanks for the reply and sorry for bad english. But yes, i think that is the way to go if i want to go somewhere with this girl. I forgot too mention that she's 18 and i am 21. Really Hope she Will start communicating better after some time. Im just really afraid she has allready found someone new. The first week or so after that phone call she wanted to talk pretty much all the time on the phone and social media. She seemed so happy about us giving it another try. I asked her what she felt about me saying i would wait for her, and not do anything with any other girls before we figured out about us. And she seemed happy about that. Do you think she will tell me if she found someone else? So i don't wait forever for nothing? Im quite scared tbh. Last time she didnt really give me any closure at all. So it feels like she would just hide it from me if she found someone else.

Again, i appreciate the help❤ I can safely say i need it!

[Purplex]

Hi flangleboi and welcome to the family 

I agree with once removed in that it would be best to give her space and avoid pressuring her. It's common for people with BPD to withdraw once a certain level of closeness is reached and things are about to get more serious. Fear of abandonment and low self-esteem are core issues with BPD. Generally speaking, they feel like deep down they are too flawed to be loved and that everybody who truly gets to know them will abandon them eventually. So the only option to avoid this  (in their minds inevitable) abandonment and keep some degree of control is to pull back themselves.
Does that make sense?

Do you think she will tell me if she found someone else?

Did you ask her to? What would the consequences be for you if she started dating somebody else?

So i don't wait forever for nothing?

Understandable. I think a good method to avoid this, is to document the course of the relationship, e.g. by keeping a diary or - even better - posting here. It will be easier for you to recognize if there are changes for better or worse, how you feel about them and if you still want to pursue a relationship with her. And of course you can discuss everything that comes up with us, learn more about BPD and how it might affect your relationship, so that you can make an informed decision at any point in the future.
How does that sound?
 

[once removed]

the two of you are both at a young age. thats a very important context.

it would not be unlikely or uncommon that friends, and having fun are her top priorities. i know at that age (im not that much older), i was hesitant to commit. i had other priorities. thats not personal or anything against you. it just means you gotta play things really cool, and not push her.

is there a reason for you to think she could be seeing someone else?

[flangleboi]

Thanks for the reply again both off you. I love this site, and will continue to post and look for advice her as long as i have someone in my life with BPD. But back to your question about her seeing someone else. I guess there is not, just that she doesnt seem so interested talking to me as she was 2 weeks ago. I guess im overthiniking alot.

Update tho. We talked feelings today via chat. She started it, so i went in for full.. It was a mistake i think.. Last time we did she told me she wanted to give us another try, she were the one to ASK me about that. Told me she had a different view on relationships then she had before. So 2 weeks ago she told me she missed too have someone there, missed me, and wanted to try with me again. But today it was a completely different story.. Tried hiding alot off the things she said earlier and said she didnt want to get in a relationship for a really long time. Told me my friendship mattered more, but honestly i cant be friends with her. I have to much feelings for her. What does this mean? And where do i go from here? How can she change her mind like that in just 2 weeks?

We are meeting up next weekend, same restaurant as last time with the same people. But as friends. Im scared, dont know how to act around her after our last chat now.

[once removed]

Tried hiding alot off the things she said earlier and said she didnt want to get in a relationship for a really long time

between the lines, i think shes saying you are still pushing for too much, too fast, and she feels cornered and pressured. she likes you, but if you arent secure in the relationship, shes not going feel secure either.

the key is not to over pursue. so think of it this way:

whether she just contacts you regularly, or comes on strong, or somewhere in between, is not necessarily a signal that you should come on strong, and especially dont come on even stronger than she is.

if she gives 20%, you dont want to come in and respond with 100%, or 120%. its too much. you want to let her lead, and either match her, or dial it back.

the key is to read her. take this at her pace. be cool. dont push, and dont get heavy.